Ok, so on Friday I had a girls night out planned with my new group of girl friends. In perperation, I went out and bought two new shirts, a new pair of shoes, and pulled out the size 10 pants I haven't tried on in over a month (at which point neither pair fit). Well, Friday I pulled on both pairs of size 10 pants and they fit me comfortably! No muffin top, ability to sit, etc. haha. So I wore one of my new shirts to class and my new shoes and all my friends were so complimentary. I dunno, I just felt so good about myself for like 5 hours.

So then I go to the gym, go home and get dressed and go to my friends house as we agreed. And let me just preface this by saying outright that I am still the fat friend. I don't know how I managed it, but all of my friends here are around a size zero. Several of them are just tiny-like 5 foot and 90 lbs or whatever. And exotic looking (think russian, indian, etc.). So basically once we went out my self-confidence took a HUGE bruising. I mean seriously, not one guy gave me the time of day. It's not that I need a guy to tell me I look good to feel good about myself, but it just stinks when you're with a group of girls who are all way thinner than you and there are guys falling all over them and you're sitting there feeling fat and ugly. I dunno. It just made me really sad.

My friends keep telling me that I've lost so much weight, I should be so proud, etc. But in all honesty, i was at this weight freshman year of college-and I was miserable at it. I am still overweight at this size/weight. And yet I was/am happy to be back at it? Not so much. It just makes me feel horrible that I ever let myself get so big to begin with. Is that understandable? Like the fact that I've lost almost 40lbs and I'm right back where I started doesn't make me happy-it just makes me sad.

And to top it all off, I was just looking through my food journal where I write down my weekly wieght-and it's taken me a full month to lose like 3 lbs. Why? Bc I keep cheating so I can "fit in" with everyone else. Pathetic.

Speaking as a fellow "fat friend," I definitely know how frustrating it is to be ignored when your thinner friends are around. I also know how it feels to have soaring confidence one moment and then feel like a piece of crap 2 minutes later--I think most of the members of this site have experienced that; it's definitely one of the ups and downs that come with losing weight. I don't know if my opinion will matter much to you, heh, but at 5'7" and 154, I bet you must look GREAT! I'm 5'8" and I would kill to be so tiny--yes, that's right, I called you "tiny." And the fact that you've already lost 40 lbs IS absolutely fantastic. I've almost hit that milestone too, and even though I'm still nowhere near my ultimate goal, I'm just happy and proud to be closer. And you should be, too--I know that it couldn't have been easy, to lose that weight, and you definitely deserve a pat on the back for it! Try not to get yourself down by thinking about the fact that you're "back where you started"--it's not fair to sell yourself short like that, and disregard all of your hard work. Just savor the moments where you DO feel good and you're graciously accepting dozens of compliments--your happiness shouldn't (and doesn't) depend on your weight, but it never hurts to get a little positive reinforcement.

Think about it this way. Would you talk to a good friend that way? Why not? Would you be secretly thinking it was true even though you didn't say it?

It does suck to work so hard just to get back where you were and still have more to go. But it just *is.* But it is so much easier to make good choices when we feel good about ourselves. Otherwise it just feels like punishment, and that always backfires.

Here's the thing...its better to surround yourself with people that inspire you and not people that are worse off then you just so that you feel better about yourself. For example if you were losing all this weight and all you did was hang out with way heavier people so you would be the skinny one it wouldn't make you work as hard and you wouldn't be getting healthier every day. So even though it can be a little depressing, dont let it get you down because you aren't 5 foot nothin and one day you WILL be the one everyone wants to be!!!

If it makes you feel better I am already inspired by you since you have come so far already!!

Seriously, thank you all so much for your kind words. They made me feel better. It's just that they don't understand bc they've never been heavy. It's nice to know I'm not alone...and that others feel or have felt the same way =). I know I should be proud of the 40 and I was-until I realized just how much that was, and then it was almost shameful.

I just desperately want to get out of the 150's bc I haven't been at the 140's since high school, and somehow i feel like that will be a serious accomplishment. I don't know why. I guess I should learn to be happy where I'm at bc otherwise I run the risk of never being happy at my current place. Don't know. Maybe this is just a bad day =).

But seriously, thank you for being so nice. It cheered me up...

This is such an excellent point, and something that I always seem to forget. I say such terrible things to myself about my own body that I would never, ever say or even think about a friend. It really is shocking to see how much a person can beat themselves up, when really we all ought to be our own biggest fans! If you constantly replay criticisms of yourself in your head, that is just as damaging (if not moreso) as having someone else tear you down all the time. Sorry to get slightly O/T but thanks for the reminder, JulieJ08!

The 140s are a big symbol for me too - I weighed around 145 in high school. Just look at how close you are!

Oh, and losing 3 lbs. in a month? That's a good thing. Slow weight loss is sustainable weight loss.

Instead of thinking, "Crap, I could have lost more weight if I hadn't gone out/had that drink/that dessert (or whatever), try "I am living my life and I'm losing weight." It's not a race!

Confidence is a funny thing. I can completely empathize with your post... I weigh the same as you do, probably a bit more (maybe a lot more now, I haven't seen a scale in a few), and it's such a variable thing. I work in a place with a lot of middle-aged, VERY overweight women (no offense intended to anyone) and when I am there, I am quite attractive by comparison and feel just fine. But when I go out, and see a group of teenage girls with the figure I want and used to have, my heart just sinks.

I have this strange perspective, though, where sometimes confidence isn't even that motivational. It can spell complacency. It's not a bad thing that you acknowledge you aren't where you want to be. Just let that fact inspire you rather than defeat you, and you'll be just fine.

You have come a long way. 40lbs is an AMAZING loss. So first of all congratulations on that.

Second. I hear where you are coming from. I've been there before. I always manage to befriend the really pretty small girls who are naturally flirty and always have guys chasing them. It's so hard when you're there, and you know you look good, just not as good...

But I have to say it's really all about confidence. If the guys aren't coming to you. Go to them. Seriously. Try it. Just smile at a guy and see what happens. I know you might be surrounded by a bunch of tiny skinny little minis, but the guys aren't necessarily seeing it that way.

I bet you look fantastic. And the best thing you can do for yourself, the best thing any of us can do for ourselves, is to try and not compare ourselves to others.

The night I met the love of my life I was 181 lbs at five feet nothin' surrounded by my uber tiny friends, who all wear the same size 6 jeans, and there I was in a 14. Did he care? nope. was he more attracted to my teeny tiny posse? nope. Why? because I felt great about myself, I had confidence. I had just lost 40 lbs and I was glowing with that accomplishment.
Men see what you put out there for them to see. If you feel fat and ugly and you hate yourself, they pick up on that, who wants to approach a girl who looks miserable. SO, the next time you go out, throw your shoulders back, stand up straight, SMILE, LAUGH, DANCE, SING and the men will take notice.