My body is screaming at me to lose weight. I have over 100 pounds to lose, and my body feels the aches and pains of the weight. It's annoyingly difficult to get dressed - or do much of anything else.

But when I was thinner, I was treated like a piece of meat far too often. Even dressed conservatively, some guys had a hard time keeping their hands to themselves. Even in professional settings, too many guys would either try to take non-professional liberties, or waste my time trying to sound like they had legitimate professional reasons for taking up quantities of time that I would not have spent on personal matters - only later to find out that they were just talking me up to try to get me to go out with them. Also, a lot more people seemed to feel they had the right to critique my figure (I was actually called too fat and too thin by different people in the same day - and I didn't ask for EITHER of their opinions!), my hair, and my clothing choice than they do now.

Being heavy does not eliminate shallow behavior - now various guys seem to think that they don't have to keep their word with me, or treat me with respect, and rather than the degrading whistles, I get rude comments by strangers passing by - although it is less frequent than the unsolicited critiques that I got when I was a reasonable size.

I know that for my physical health I need to lose weight, but what about my mental health? Which devil is more tolerable?

hey there, sounds like you've been in some pretty awkward situations. I would say that no matter what your weight, you shouldnt have to put up with that kind of behaviour and those comments from people. If I were you, I would lose the weight. If you get guys in professional settings doing that kind of thing, report it to your boss or someone who has the power to do something about it, you dont have to put up with that. As for the comments, well people love to comment. How you deal with that is up to you- i like to make sarcastic comments back about THEIR figure/hair/personality/the fact they cant keep their comments to themselves

I think you shouldnt let them hold you back, shouldnt let them shorten your life or make you uncomfortable and in pain. I know that for me, being overweight is not good for either my physical or mental health. But ultimately its up to you what you do.

Big to you! You need to get healthy (which will include the side benefit of losing weight) for YOU. Not because of how others may or may not react. When we are physically healthy it is easier to be in a good mental state.

Being heavy isn't why guys don't treat you with respect, if you don't mind me giving my opinion. You must demand respect from others...and respect yourself first! You are far more valuable than to allow anything less.

-Susan

Hey Elizabeth I have been the typical yo you dieter for years. I have been a professional for well over 30 years and have always carried myself with pride no matter what my size. People can be hurtful. You don't have to stand for rude comments at work, report the idiot. As for a reason to loose. Do it for yourself and no one else. Hang in there.

I haven't posted on this board before.. I'm on the MRC program and have just been popping around to other boards to see all what is on 3fc. Be true to yourself. Good luck

Sadly we live in a society in which people are very fixated on outward appearance.

The choice, in my opinion, has to be....do it for your health. I didn't think to look to see how old you are, but after carrying extra weight for years with no real ill-effects (used to drive my doctor nuts), in my late forties, it all hit me at once. Sore knees and hips, fatigue, sleep apnea etc.

Losing weight has been a real effort, but...as I lose weight my mental health seems to improve because I am in less pain, I feel more in control, I sleep better.

It may be a double bonus...improved physical and thus mental health and you will then be better equipped to deal with the "dorkwads" who feel everyone is entitled to their opinions?

Thanks everyone. As for reporting that kind of stuff - that's actually how I lost my last job working for someone else. He was a bilingual psychiatrist, and I was just a counselor - so my boss actually wrote me up for turning him in! Although she did not say that specifically in her write-up (which was worded strangely enough to cause multiple lawyers to raise their eyebrows), but in her verbal explanation, she specified that was what it was for, and said that my turning him in to management for stripping down to his underwear in front of me, over my protests, was inappropriate because it happened after hours in relation to a training event. She said that whatever happened between him and me after hours was none of her business, and I showed very bad judgment by talking to her about it.

One thing led to another, and very quickly I went from almost being guaranteed a promotion to not having a job. I'd been through too much unethical nonsense in too many positions to be able to work for anyone else again, so I went into business for myself.

After that, I was no longer ordered into garbage, but that does not stop certain slicker individuals from tricking me out of my time and money. The differences include not getting paid for being tricked out of time. Perhaps not having anyone to turn to is better than turning to someone who can make it worse, but it still stinks.

And how do you demand respect out of guys that sneak up behind you in a crowd and grab your butt? or from people just driving by? "Just don't let it get to you" only works so many times. I do tolerate a lot more than most people could - and have been told so by people who have seen it first hand - so it isn't that I'm being oversensitive. Yeah, I know it's my responsibility to do something about it, so I gained weight and the behavior of others did change. I just didn't realize that being fat would be this physically painful and limiting.

But now that I'm here, it isn't so easy to just lose weight - and it's extra hard if I don't have confidence that I can handle being thinner any better than I did before. The suggestion about sarcastic comments is good. Actually I had gotten better about being able to do that and also be bluntly honest, when I no longer had a boss to answer to - but what about the rest of the situations?

Since your original question is simply, "Do I really want to do this?" I would have to say "yes." I realize you've gone through a lot of crap that you shouldn't have had to go through; but I think that needs to be kept separate from the weight issues.

Sure, it's easy for me to say that, at a safe distance. But deal with the issues one at a time and try not to confuse the two.

Oh, and the next time someone decides to strip down to his underwear in front of you, over your protests, snap a picture and say, "Since you obviously don't care who sees you in your skivvies, then you won't mind if I post this on the internet, right? Oh, I'm sorry. Do you consider that inappropriate?"

Hi Elizabeth.

I am having mixed reactions to your post I must admit. You want to lose weight because you are in pain and unable to do even the everyday things you want to do ... and yet you might choose not to because some people are sometimes *******s?

I think perhaps you should rephrase your question as this: Will I allow myself to remain miserable and unhappy because of the actions of other people that I cannot control?

I think that might give you some clarity.

There will always be people who will be jerks. There will always be guys who see women as nothing more than "meat". The thing is, are you going to allow yourself to make decisions about YOUR body based on other people's actions and thoughts and opinions? Or are you going to do what's best for you?

I think, if you really think about it, you'll make the right decision for YOU.



.

Hi
I get similar comments and reactions because of my profession I am a nurse working in a factory which is predominately male - one of the questions I get asked frequently when appointments to see me are made is "Are u going to be wearing your uniform?" I walk through the factory and get lewd comments about how parts of their anatomy need looking at.
The best way I find to deal with it is throw it back at them, you have to be quick thinking and not easily embarrassed. If this fails then seek out help from management and tell them how you are feeling.

Hope this helps - Don't let others stop you finding a healthy new you -just thinmk how good it would feel to wake up pain free, spring out of bed full of energy and wear the clothes that you really want to

As the saying goes - nothing tastes as good as slim feels!!!!

thats awful, you should have got her for unfair dismissal To be honest here, im not sure how to help you. I have used my fat as a defense for a long time, before i decided enough was enough, and that it was time to face my issues with self worth and get on with having a nice life with a healthy mind and body. I really think you need to decide for yourself, and that no one else can persuade you to do it. Weight loss is hard, you need determination. Im not saying that you cant do it by any means at all! I just dont know how i could get through it if i didnt know that it was absolutely something i wanted badly. You mentioned that you are a counsellor, have you thought about seeing one yourself? It might be nice to just talk over all your concerns with someone

I've had friends who had a similar problem. They were so good looking that they were always being "hit on." They found it very tiring. But none of them decided they ought to "ugly up" to avoid the issue.

Besides, unwanted attention can happen at any time, regardless of size.

So, I'd say, take all of that out of the equation, if you can. Being heavy does not guarantee safety. You might want to consider a self-defense course so that you can feel more confident about your ability to protect yourself. I'm not saying that every guy who makes a pass needs to be dropped to the floor, but sometimes it's easier to tell someone he's out of line if you know you could put him there.

I sense a lot of "victim thinking" in your posts. Take a look at that. Of course I could be wrong--I don't know you at all. But when the same things seem to happen over and over, it's worth assessing what part one might have in it.

If I were you, I'd lose weight and face the fears!

Jay

Elizabeth,

There is a compromise. Perhaps you don't want to lose 100 pounds, perhaps it isn't a great idea for you to be that thin. But some weight loss would greatly improve your life by making your choices better. At 50 pounds overweight would you still stop traffic? At 25? Many of of have found that a loss of even 25 or 30 pounds greatly improves our quality of life! (My knees stopped hurting, I can move around more easily, my heartburn has diminished, my blood pressure and A1C levels are better.) It doesn't really have to be all or nothing.

You've had lots of advice on how to handle the reactions to your thin self. That isn't something I've ever experienced, but I suspect that you can also make other choices to diminish the effect. (And sadly I can tell you that years alone will help that problem.) Meanwhile I hope you won't let the fear of others take control of your life.

I like this - thanks.

Yeah, you're right. And some guys even get hot and bothered over women triple my size.

And maybe if I'm thinner - and therefore quicker - and with martial arts training, I'll be quick enough to grab the wrist of whoever is grabbing my butt, and I'll at least be able to see which of the a******s did that - and give him a wake-up call that he can't always get away with that.

As for seeing a counselor - funny thing tends to happen when a counselor goes to see a counselor... really quickly they start saying "well, what would you say to a client who came to you with that?" I can ask myself that for free from my own home. Not telling them about that part of my life also does not work because they get all fixated on why I don't want to talk about that.

So I turn to you instead. We are all human, prone to doubts and fears especially after we have been through more than enough. It is best to try to be strong, and in general that is what I aim for; but not being allowed to be human is just as painful as whatever shook our foundation to begin with.

Thanks for the input. There were many helpful comments in this thread, and I appreciate that.

Wow, you have really had men grab your butt on the streets? Co-workers stripping? Continual unwelcome comments and touching? What is this world coming to? What area do you live in? Remind me to never visit...LOL

I think you should lose weight. It's an unbelievable feeling. I also think you should take the advice of the poster who suggested martial arts. Instead of a gym membership take Judo lessons. I wouldn't take that cr@p. First sleazy man to grab any part of your body should be laying flat, holding his crotch. Don't let men dictate your life. You need to be in charge. If it takes becoming a scrapper, than so be it.