I've kind of been on a roller coaster of emotions and weight for the past year and a half. Somehow, I lost 80+ lbs in the span of six months by doing nothing more than eating healthier - that's not normal. Come to find out, I've got incredible blood sugar issues on top of a severe anxiety problem and depression. That's fine; I can handle that.

However, I have now gained back a vast majority of what I lost, and I've going back into eating disorder mode. I see myself in the mirror and I hate myself, I get so suicidal and angry when I see rolls on my stomach, knowing that just last summer I could wear a bikini. It's like someone dangling a piece of cheesecake in front of me, letting me lick the tiniest little bit of icing, then taking it away just when I've gotten the best little taste.

I feel completely useless and alone right now. I haven't been able to find a job, because my anxiety has gotten the best of me lately, and I just feel like such a hideous blob that I am ashamed to leave the house. I can't refill my meds, because I have no insurance. This is the hardest thing I've gone through in a very long time, mental-health wise. I even started cutting again every once in a while - and I haven't really had an episode of that since I was sixteen.

I just wanted to vent, I feel like I am losing my mind and all of my control. and it sucks!!

I wish I had some great advice. All I have is this hug, though.

Hey you haven't lost it this time, but I'm sure you feel it!

while I don't have the issues you are having, I HAD quite a lot of depression and anxiety a few years ago. Believe me, I know it sucks to see that image in the mirror and KNOW it's not really you, but you have got to just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start over again.

Is there ANYONE at all that can help you, someone you can talk to, to help you get new meds? Maybe you can get some samples from your doctor?

Whatever you do, and I KNOW this is easier said than done (I'm not a cutter, I'm a scratcher and I looked like I went through a meat grinder a few years ago and have scars everywhere), but cutting, suicide, and other negative actions are not going to help you. Those things really aren't the solution. If you can find someone to talk to, someone who can be there for you, that's going to make all the difference.

I can only give you a virtual hug from here - but please know it's really going to get better.

I also have no insurance and a long history of depression. I went through a really dark period just a few weeks ago, but it turned out to be ... well, it was a turning point. What I mean to say is that I do understand the feelings you are having.

The hardest thing in the world to do in your situation is to reach out for help from others, but that's what you need more than anything - real people you can speak with face to face, who can give you hugs you can get wrapped up in and offer tangible help.

If you have a family member or friend that you trust, go to them now. Tell them in specific detail the feelings and thoughts that you have. I understand you don't have insurance. Neither do I, and it grates on me every time I hear "maybe your doctor..." No insurance = no doctor to me.

When I needed help, I went to church. I didn't feel comfortable in the fundamentalist Christian sector, but I managed to find a liberal church (so liberal that there is no official creed) and the minister there referred me to a counceling center that operated on a sliding scale. I kept returning to the church and made new friends there.

I have no idea what your religious background is or where you are located, but no matter what your beliefs, I'm certain there is an organization that can help you... unless you happen to live in some tiny town in the boonies.

Don't give up. A better day is just ahead.

Tera

I can't really give you any constructive advice because I live in the UK and simply can't believe that an individual like you with severe mental health problems can't get help and support from somewhere. Surely there must be organisations that will help people that haven't got any insurance because their illness prevents them from working? There must be some kind of safety net?

Kitty

Thank you all for your incredible support, hugs, and advice. It's so appreciated.

I have my mom and my boyfriend, but a good 90% of the time that I say "I really need help," it turns into a) "oh, you'll get over it" or b) "this is how your problem is affecting ME." So frustrating! I haven't been to church in a few years, but I do know that I am always welcome there with open arms.

As for organizations that would help with the no insurance.. I don't qualify for assistance as I'm middle class/made too much money last year. I'd also feel quite guilty using assistance. I will keep looking, though. There is no worse feeling than knowing you can rise above it, but not being able to.

Hi, Kitty. Unfortunately in the US there's a huge gap between income that's low enough to qualify for social services and high enough to meet our needs. Getting medical assistance is especially difficult since you need to have a documented disability as well as extreme poverty in order to qualify, though how someone is supposed to get their disability documented without the money for doctors, I don't know.

A lot of us are falling through the cracks.

That's good to hear. There are centers that offer services based on your income at this time. Some of them even adjust to any income, rather than only accepting people below a certain level.

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Please try to remind yourself that you are deserving of assistance and that by receiving it now, you're putting yourself in a better position to assist others in the future. There is no need to feel guilty.

And do check in and let us know how things progress.

Why would you feel guilty in getting assistance in getting your prescription filled? Haven't YOUR tax dollars went to pay for those very programs? Buck up girl, you deserve it!!

I don't know what you are on or where you live, but I was at Walmart recently and they have a big ole' wamping list of meds that are just $4. That's right...$4!!! Perhaps you could call and see if any of your meds are on the list (at least their generic counterparts). I assume you are on name brand meds because they are so expensive.

Back to the guilty thing, do you know how MUCH these pharm comp's make off of these meds? It's insane. You'll not put them out of business, lol.

Get out the phone book. Call your local County and find out where you can go to get your meds on a sliding scale. Most places don't care what you made last year. It's what you are currently making that matters.

Fred Meyer has a list of $4 medicines, too.

I don't know what your background is, but have you thought about temp work? My sister had some pretty severe issues but made some pretty good money working as a house cleaner/errand runner on contract with the state for people who couldn't leave their homes or do things for themselves. She liked it because she had flexibility in her schedule and didn't have to spend a lot of time around people all the time.