Hi There,

I'm just sharing my story, I really feel the need to tell people who understand and can really support me and tell me what to to.

I'm 19 years old, 152 pounds and I just ate: Three Pieces of Toast, A bowl of Berry Oatmeal with Yogurt, A Bowl of Noodles, A glass of hot chocolate - and half the powder I used to make it.

Yesterday I ate: Packet of Chips, A cookie, carton of fries, Sorbet, A turkish kebab, a chocolate bar, A huge burger, a carton of sweet potato fries and more...

I have always been a binge eater - as long as I can remember, after school when I was alone. Buying my lunch at school as well as eating my packed lunch.

My mum had gastric bypass - my family are all either overweight or starving themselves slim.

When I was younger, I was the chubby kid, and I wasn't very pretty...I used to get teased - I remember once, eating Pizza at a fireworks show - and some older kid saying "You don't need to eat that". I never really had an off switch, or a stop switch. I felt the fullness, but it didnt make me stop eating.

Between ages 10 - 16 my home life was pretty unstable, I binge ate when I was alone. My dad had bipolar, my mum was depressed, I never knew what I was coming home to. I couldn't sleep for the yelling and smashing, and I guess I kinda got in the way of everything -Pretty much screwed me up, but I gained alot of wisdom from it.

At about 15 the purging started infrequently. I started hanging out with people I shouldnt have been, the drugs and alcohol came and ended up losing my virginity to someone who I'd quite adamantly told I didn't want to. This lead to quite a promiscuis following few years. I guess I've always needed a coping strategy.

At 16 I was 170 pounds, I hit the gym, I got busy, I got happy and got on with life. I stopped binging and lost about 30 poundd without trying over a year.

At 17 I met my boyfriend, I was "healthy" i didnt eat takeaways, I exercised, I was just naturally happy and healthy. Gradually these things slipped back in, as he discovered what my favourites were and bought them for me.


When I was 18 I moved a long way from home to a big unknown city/ I convinced myself and my flatmates that i had a "small appetite" I lost 25 pounds as I hit the gym heavily. But still had the occasional binge episode. The purging was probably most rampant at that point. When I came home for the summer - my family were shocked at how small I ate and how often I would say no to food. My life revolved around avoiding situations where I would have to eat... I've alwasy had an "all or nothing" approach to my life. I can't do moderation.

This year I am living in yet another city. It has been out of control. I have gained 15 pounds - I binge eat whenever I'm alone or stressed. In my breaks from university I go downtown and buy takeaways and chocolate. None of my clothes fit.

My realtionship is suffering, it makes me binge eat but I can't leave him. I just can't do it...and I think maybe I should. But I don't know what I would do without him.

I want to kick this before it gets worse. I want to be able to have a happy relationship with my body.
I want to be one of those healthy people that gets up and goes to the gym for the buzz. I want to naturally select healthy food, and be able to eat the occasional brownie without feeling guilty or eating the whole plateful.

But I also want to be skinny...

I'm too scared of going to OA cas I don't want to tell people that I have a problem. Whenever I do tell people they give me answers like "keep yourself busy" or "when i exercise I dont eat so much" but they don't understand there's something more underneath it all!

I just want to be normal.

Sorry for blurting out everything, I just really needed to tell someone. I want to stop this but every time I do, the time before I relapse gets shorter and shorter.

What the heck do it do!

If you are up to here - thank you for reading.

Sarah
xxx

Thank you.

Sarah, . I totally know what you mean, I want to be normal too. I think your off to a good start. I'm not in a position to advise but there are some great people here that will help cheer you on. Hang in there honey, you can do this!

Hi Sarah,
I appreciate you posting here and letting people know about yourself. I have yet to do this! I can relate to a lot of what you say though, so please know that you're not alone. I don't know how to help you because I don't know how to help myself. However, it sounds like you've been through a lot, so maybe finding a good therapist would be worthwhile. I hate to say anything negative, but for me, I don't think I'll ever be "normal." I think it can get easier, but I always need to know my addiciton, much in the same way that an alcoholic needs to be careful around alcohol. The tricky part with food is that you can't avoid it completely like alcohol or drugs. I guess I'm not a good example because I'm waiting for medical science to figure this out. In meantime, I count calories and workout a lot. Counting calories gives me a sense of control like nothing else. That way, if I do have a small brownie, I can look up the calories (best to do it before I have it) and then enjoy it as part of my diet. There's nothing off limits. Still, I do binge, but since counting calories, it's not as bad. I hope you get some great advice. Hang in there, ok? HUGS.

People who haven't had situations that made them develop such coping mechanisms don't understand what it's like to feel that burning desire for food. To them, it's about eating less and exercising more. Coping mechanisms were there for a reason, to help survive situations and feelings that were too threatening. With what I've been through, I could be a lot worse off or even dead if I hadn't had something help me through. But there's also a point where the coping mechanism is no longer a good substitute for facing the root of the problems.

I couldn't stand purges, so I pretty much just binged. It took addressing what was really going on with me, both past and present, to deal with the urge to binge. It took me deciding to be responsible for myself and my own safety, emotional and physical. I still feel the desire sometimes, but I know now that it's my body telling me that I need to pay attention to how I'm feeling and what's going on around me. And I'm developing other coping mechanisms, healthy ones such as journaling and saying "no." For me, it took quite a lot of work and some help from a therapist, but it's worth it.

Good luck!

Do me a favor, I know many of us where brought up not to 'waste' food - but it kinda puts us in this category of 'controlled by food'. When you feel like you NEED to eat crap, part of you knows you dont really need it or even want it, but you find yourself making it anyway... Put washing up liquid into the food. Mix it up, and you probably wont eat it then. Because by doing this, you're sending a message to your brain saying 'You control the food' and do it every time you make food you know you dont need.

It's easier to give in and eat the food despite what logic tells you, when the food is infront of you. If you dont get up and make the food or buy it, then you cant eat it.

Welcome and good luck. You are wise to do this now, it only gets harder as you get older. Pick a diet plan that you will follow and exercise, also. It's OK to experiment until you find what works best for you.

Hi Sarah,

What a brave post.

I'm just another chick here for the ride.. but.. one thing that stuck out to me..

What *is* normal? What does it look like?

We all have baggage. We all have "stuff" clinging on to us. Every person you meet is fighting battles that you can't see. That includes skinny people. It includes people around us who seem to have the perfect life.

I don't know what will work for you and by now you've already figured out that pat answers don't work.

I started my journey in earnest on August 1. Just one month ago. When I first started, I didn't even know if I'd be able to do this for a week. Then I wasn't sure if I could do it 14 days. And, so on. I read back through some of my journals at Fitday.com and my first steps were very tentative. I was almost setting myself up to fail.

But, here it is September 1. I did it for 31 days. I'm going to do it for 7 more days. And then 7 more. I come here every day that I can. I try to post every day. I post a question if I have one. If not, I make sure to encourage someone else. I read the goal stories here. I read about different ways of thinking and eating. I keep one foot in front of the other for today. Tomorrow, I'll work on doing it again.

These are the things that work for me.

You've started. You came here. You shared yourself. Now, it is time to scour this site for encouragement and to find the next step that seems sensible to you and for you. You will do it. I know you can and so does everyone else here. *soft smile*

Please keep us posted. I'll be looking for your name!

Although this is a diet site, many of us have eating disorders and I am one of them. I check out a lot of different supports on the internet. One thing I will say is that binge eating disorder gets harder. When I was 20, a binge was 2 candy bars. Now a binge is a box of donuts and a whole pizza. It's bad. Thought I'd injure myself from the volume of food. Eventually went to OA, then went to eating disorder treatment. I am getting better slowly. For me the big struggle is I focus so much on my weight instead of my heart.

This isn't about losing the binge weight. It is finding a way to love yourself and comfort yourself that isn't a form of self abuse. It can be lonely to have BED. It is such a secret disease. Just like somebody hiding alcohol in their closet.

One thing I know is you can't do it alone. Try to find a good counselor who specializes in eating disorders. You can check out the resource "Something fishy"- it is an online resource for women with eating disorders including binge eating. It is a caring, fun and informative site. Google it. OA is good too. You don't have to go to a face to face meeting. They have online meetings. Go to therecoverygroup DOT org and you will find meetings.

Also, there is an awesome book by a binge eater called The Good Eater by Ron Saxen. He was a serious overeater. Check out his before and after pics- pretty dramatic. Also, Geneen Roth wrote a ton of books on emotional eating. Her ideas are interesting and very well received in the eating disorder community.

There is a ton more stuff, but let me close with a list of things I am doing to be abstinent from bingeing...

1) Daily contact with friends in recovery
2) Spirituality
3) Therapy
4) 12 Step meetings
5) Journaling
6) Fun

Wow... motivated chickie.... I'm so glad you came into this post.. thank you for such great information... for sharing yourself... It is very generous of you.

Best wishes to all of us...