OK. This is an issue I've buried, but it is coming back to hit me in the face. I subscribe to a couple of other threads, but I'm not sure any of them would understand this. They are great people, and very supportive, and they would probably be insulted that I didn't bring this to them.

I seem to be an ALL OR NOTHING kind of person. I am on a yoyo from ****. My disorder goes from one extreme to the other. Having always been a chunky kid, the teasing in high school got to be too much and I became friends with anorexia. For months and months I would do nothing but drink diet sodas all day, and eat one egg or nibble some lettuce every other day or so. I was the smallest I had ever been. I had size 5 jeans that were too big. My friends and family began forcing me to eat, or they were going to have me institutionalized. Once the eating began again though, I went to the other extreme again...overeating. And over the years I gained so much weight and didn't seem to care. I was over 250 pounds, and then something snapped. Last year I started dieting and exercising. I got down to 185 and then kind of plateaued. I began gaining again around the holidays and went back up to 198. I am now back down to 185. But for the first time since I was a teenager so many years ago (about 12 years ago) I can feel the anorexia sneaking back in, and it is getting harder and harder to reason with myself. I journal my calories, and they have been dropping lower and lower. I have started feeling weak and faint everytime I stand up. I find that I DON'T want to eat. I don't want those calories going into my body. Here I am at 550 calories today, and I just can't seem to reason with myself into eating. I know this isn't healthy, but usually when I force myself to eat, it goes entirely the other direction and I binge big time and hate myself for it. WHY CAN'T I JUST FIND A HAPPY MEDIUM. I'm so frustrated. I know that I should have at least 1200 calories a day, especially since I am exercising and weight training, but just don't want to eat. Why is this happening. HELP!!!
Jen

Hey Jen - this is my first post to this sight...for the most part I have been going to sights for eating disorders specifically but the users seem so young that I needed to find some other forum.

One thing I believe is that what you are doing is NOT all about food...there is something much deeper going on inside of you that you are avoiding...my suggestion is to get some professional help...
I have been a compulsive overeater for as long as I can remember and bulimic for the past eight months or so. I am just starting on my road to recovery and I know it is not going to be easy...I am armed with a therapist and two friends that I have chosen to share this problem with...you cannot do this alone...

I know that I do not react physically well to sugar...so I am trying to avoid it as well as I can but I also realise that there is alot of psychological stuff involved in any eating disorder...
I hope this helps...
shnadle

Hi Shnadle!

Well, I have known for quite some time that I could use some professional help, but not having insurance makes that next to impossible, so I just try to deal with it the best I can.

I'm glad you found this site. It has been my greatest source of support. I post regularly on the "300+ and ready to try again" thread under the "Support" heading. You don't have to be 300+ to join the thread. A lot of threads of posted on tend to dwindle, but the gals on 300+ are a fantastic, supportive bunch. I invite you to please pop in and say HI.

The reason I posted this message here is because all of us on that thread are big time overeaters, and I just didn't feel a discussion on NOT wanting to eat would be right in that forum. I have two different mentalities. When i am an overeater, which I have mainly been over the last many years, I was like "Anorexia, yeah, whatever, wish that was my problem" as if it had never been me. I completely buried that part of my life. So I know as an overeater, to hear someone complain that they just can't make themselves eat is a hard pill to swallow. On the other hand, having been on both ends of the spectrum, I can say I understand that overeating, not eating, and bulemia are hard disorders to cope with, because all of them are about what's going on inside our heads. I just teeter on the edge all the time. Most of this week, I just couldn't stand the idea of putting any calories into my body, and today has been a MAJOR struggle to stay out of the kitchen. I am on the edge of a binge, I WANT to eat, but know that if I do, I will eat anything and everything until I am sick.

I'm sorry if I'm rambling, but appreciate you listening. I do want you to know though, that this is a fantastic site for support, and encourage you to look around the threads, and find a group that suits you. It really is a big help.

See you around!
Jen

Thank you very much for the "welcome" and suggestions... I am not sure where youlive but I have been able to find a therapist here (she is a psychotherapist not a psychiatrist) in Toronto that works on a sliding scale and is pretty reasonable...I am not sure what it is like in the U.S. or elsewhere when it comes to "shrinks"...
BUT!!! There are soooo many books out there that you could read that might at least give you a head start! I recently found a really good one called: The Deadly Diet by Terence J Sandbek - it focuses on how to deal with stress, "the voice" that I am sure you are familiar with and relaxation techniques. You might find Geneen Roth more your pace - Breaking Free from Compulsive Eating is a great book...what about OA???? Those meetings are FREE!!!
I hope that I do not sound pushy - I just know the **** that I just passed through (not even a month ago) and if I did not have some sort of true support network (even though it is small) I would not have been able to realize the harm and destructive pattern I was falling into...my boyfriend has had to point out to me a few times that people DIE from Bulimia - without this reality check I would just keep on going...off in my own little world...
One more suggestion and I will stop...I know that in my home town there is a place called Sheena's Place that was founded by a woman who lost a daughter to Anorexia...you can go there for FREE they have workshops and groups that you can attend - it is a great source of support.
I hope that I have not seemed to pushy ...
Thank you again for replying to my post - I think that I will hang around here for a while...
shnadle

Hello again Snadle!

Good grief NO you're not being pushy. I appreciate your helpful suggestions. I had planned on going to the book store tomorrow with my son, so I will look around for those books.

I am currently in a dinky (and I do mean dinky, we don't even have a stop light ) town called Middleton, in southwest Idaho. My husband is currently away at boot camp in Fort Knox Kentucky, and then he is off to Texas, and then goodness knows where. I'm not sure if the kids and I will join him in Texas, or meet him at the next place.

On that same token, I got my enrollement for the military insurance today, and it is on my "to do" list today to get the list of my local providers. It will be such a novelty to have health coverage!

I'm glad you like it here. Like I said, there's LOTS of great support threads here.

I've got to go for now. My son will be home from school any minute now.
Talk at ya later,
Jen

Hi Jehari,

I read your thread and can recognized myself in parts of it, although I have never been anorexic (bulemic yes). I read some articles about the Yoyo thing you are experiencing and it seems to be a fairly normal reaction with (former) anorexic patients. As we all know, we're "branded for life" and I at least will never have a really normal relationship with food. It doesn't dominate me anymore like it used to in my teens and part of my twenties, and I am keeping it under control pretty well but I realize that I have to be careful because it's still there and lurking away, and upping its head when I eat something I feel I shouldn't.
I feel that part of the problem (mine at least) is who I was and who I wanted to be, what I experienced in my life and how it affected me. Think about what makes you eat and crave: do you eat when you feel lonely, when you are bored, when you are under stress, when you are sad, when you think about all the things in your life you now consider stupid etc. BE HONEST! You will feel bad realizing some things about your past, but your might realize what's important to you and what makes you tick. If you can take it financially, do as Snadle says and try for a therapist, otherwise, just ask away at us!

Hang in there,

Greekgirl from Athens

Hey sweetie,
I've had problems with ED's for the past couple of years and now I feel like we're on the same page....

I'll eat just FATTY foods... like a bowl of peanuts, granola bars and chocolate and ice cream.... ugh

I've gained a ton of weight but it always drops off and then rises back up again. It's all emotional for me....

Anyways, if you want to e-mail me or something I'm always here to talk to someone, I know how hard it can be, through my ED's I had absolutely nobody to talk to and it made me depressed and the weight issue worse.

Message me here with your e-mail and maybe we can talk if you need to hun

Hi. I'm new to 3fc, so I am a little late posting on some of the topics, but when I read the initial post it was all my fears being written down by someone else. I was anorexic, I used to freak out at the thought of going above 100 lbs, I would weight myself obsessively, refuse to eat, etc etc... then I stopped. My family started forcing me to eat, and I went in the other direction. I am now overweight, at 220 lbs and I want to diet and get to something normal, but I am terrified that I will become anorexic again. So I don't do anything - which is even worse. I've done diets before, and I felt like I was getting to the point where my obsession was becoming like it was before... and so I would always blow it and go back to being compulsive. I just will eat for no reason. It's disgusting, but I can't stop. My hubby gets mad at me, and tries to control what I have, and that makes me do it even more! I will buy a bag of candy, a big bag, and eat the whole thing. Especially when I'm upset. But, I don't know what is worse... being compulsive, or being anorexic. I don't know what to do to diet safely. I don't like the feeling I get, like I can't eat or I will throw up, or I can't eat or I will gain more weight, and as soon as i start a diet, that's how i feel.
Out of control either way.

I guess, I just wanted to write down how I felt, it's nice to see other people feel the same way. I needed to write it down though, because the things i've written just now are things i've never admitted to myself before. It's scary, but somewhat liberating...

I'm coming to the conclusion I'm a mess and it's time to start fixing myself... I just am not sure where to start.

thanks for listening.

Hi Lizz!

Wow! It's been a long time since anyone has posted here. Well, I'm right back to square one. Damn! I'm all the way back up to 245 !!! Now I wish with all my heart that I could stop eating again. (see how two faced I am? the last post I made a year ago I couldn't make myself eat) AAARRRGGGHH! Now I am going the all out drastic route and persuing gastric bypass surgery as a hopefully more permanent solution. I feel that the only way to control the eating anymore is to make physical changes to my body. Kinda sad, but true. I can't go on gaining. I just can't. I'm hoping that by having this I can kind of "reset" my eating habits and learn moderation.

In the meantime, keep cruising around the threads and hopefully you'll find a good group to join. Come back here anytime and post.

Jen

Hello ladies...it's been a little lonely here and how nice that you have all posted here. I relate to parts of each of your stories. I agree that our compulsive behavior has emotional triggers and know a "diet" is not the answer most of us need. One book that has really helped me is " the Quest for Peace,Love and a 24" Waist" by Deborah Low. She is a lady that has been there. She has several simple exercises that make you think about the behavoir behind the food issues.

Jehari..my heart goes out to you. I've been over 200 lbs also and now am 194. I'm sure having your husband in boot camp is incredibly stressful. I laughed when you mentioned being in a village with no stop lights. My village is also tiny with no stop light.. But it is so beautiful and I just love it. I know many people have the gastric-bypass surgery. For me it seems like replacing one extreem behavoir with another and never solving the root issues. Please don't think I'm judging you since I know it is the best option for many folks.

Shnadle.. it's nice to see another canuck on the board. I've also been able to access some free therapy. Ironically the best for me is my cancer support group since we spend a lot of time dealing with body image. I relate closely to your going into " your own little world" with your bulemia. I know that feeling much too well. For me it is like someone else was purging or binging and I was not even present. One therapist I went to suggested watching myself with a mirror during a overeating session.. very scary but did it ever help me. I've only been binge free since Jan. So I'm certainly still in the battle. Thank you for sharing your story

Greekgirl...I agree with your mention of YO-Yo behavoir and even more the notion of being branded by past diagnosis. Perhaps we hold on to these "brands" as well. Anorexia becomes very public but we bulemic gals can hide our conditions so well. We damage ourselves with such cleverness...but the scars and wounds still hurt us deeply. I know these scars can heal...I heed your advice to be honest especially with ourselves

LF..Hmmm I think we all have indulged in those fatty foods. Trigger foods for me are peanuts and ice-cream. I still struggle with them. I think that's why the Sugar Buster's program has been such a great thing for me. I actually have given myself permission to eat like a "normal" person. Then I found I had to relearn what that way of life was...

Lizz..I still feel new to this site also. It was hard for me to know I could be totally honest and not feel judged. We are all in the same boat...hmmm..that's not really true but we are all on the same planet It really helps me not only to share a little of my story but also to read yours and so many here.

Last month I was having radiation therapy for my 3rd bout with cancer. It frightens me to know and share with you that the pain of my ED has been as real and intense as the cancer situation. I am doing so well now. I'm loving being on the Sugar Buster's program. I feel so decadent when I have my fruit salad for lunch or have a bite of chocolate.. It is helping me to re-learn how it feels to eat normal. Oops..sorry if I've rambled. You are all special people and perfect in God's eyes. Be kind to yourself today..be well...Lori

Hey, I used to be exactly the same way, until I started a low carb diet. My mood really improved. I stopped the vicious cycle of starvation/binging. Maybe give it a try. You might be addicted to sugar and not even know it....It might not all be in your head....

Jehari - I read your original post and dang if it didn't sound exactly like what I've journaled about. I call myself a "fat anorexic." I either ate without concern for anything, or stopped eating. When in an "anorexic phase" the thought of putting *anything* in my mouth would cause horrible panic.

About three months ago I decided I was old enough and intelligent enough to work through this silliness. I used fitday.com to log every calorie I put in my mouth, and promised myself I would eat 1200-1400 calories a day. It took about three weeks for the panic attacks to start subsiding. And there were days where I didn't make it over 900 calories, even though (at that time) it seemed as though I was constantly eating. And I would weigh myself at the same time every morning, so I started to see the trends that my body followed with weight loss. After about two months, I added exercise. Pilates and WATP. After another month, I started lifting weights. At that point I started fighting fatigue and moodiness. But I was MUCH more comfortable with eating a "normal" amount of food. It took me a few weeks to realize that I was not eating enough. That caused more panic, because I understood that I would need to up my caloric intake to about 1500-1600 calories a day with that level of exercise. I think at that point I imploded. I wasn't ready to handle that, stupid as it may seem. That was about three weeks ago, and I'm starting to work through that. I feel like I'm more ready to handle the extra calories that have to come with the increased exercise.

I have to say that without fitday.com I wouldn't have been able to prove to myself that I actually could eat and still lose weight, and do it in a healthy, non-destructive fashion. Jehari, I won't say that gastric bypass isn't for you. I will say that I know there are a LOT of people who have had the surgery, lost the weight, and then gained it all back because they didn't deal with underlying issues which caused the gain in the first place. IMHO if you can't resolve this duality issue, you're looking down the barrel of the weight gain gun regardless of what you do.

Lizziness... hi there! I too am late coming to this thread. Please don't be disgusted with yourself. If your best friend or your daughter were going through this, would you be disgusted with her? I don't think so, I think you'd feel a great sense of compassion and concern. Those are the things you need to feel for your own self. Self worth, self love, and the desire to treat yourself with true and honest care make a HUGE difference in attitude and ability to lose weight. Or at least it has in my case. It horrified me when I saw my daughter (who is 13) expressing self loathing. It made me feel even more dismayed when I realized I was the person who taught her to think that way. *sigh* I think that was one of my huge kicks in the butt to totally revamp my outlook. It doesn't happen overnight, but it is happening, and I can see the changes in both of my children's attitudes because of MY change. That is huge motivation.