Let me just first off say, that I ****ing hate myself.
and I am crushed.
My entire life in school (as a kid throughout being a teen), I have been made fun of/harrassed because of being overweight. It was like a defense mechanism people would use on me just to see how powerful they truly were. I would get harrassed by nearly everyone; even if I so much as sat in a corner reading a book. I was never even THAT big, just chunky as a kid.
In the 8th grade I had to switch schools because of financial reasons. The new school I was at was pure ****, and I have a lot of issues to this day because of what people did to me back then.
In my gym class, people made fun of me for not wanting to change my clothes in front of them(because I was self conscious). When I eventually began to change in the locker room, I got watched nearly every day.
One day we had scooter races, and the girl who was stuck with having to push me across the gym exchanged a look to all of her friends, thinking that I didn't see her. She kept mumbling a lot of awful things to me, and overexaggerated the entire fiasco.
Oh, and by the time we reached the end of the gym, she SLAMMED me shoulder first into the wall, knowing I wouldn't be able to stop myself. The entire class, including the gym teacher all burst out into laughter.
I didn't know what hurt more- my shoulder, or my feelings.
Digital cameras were also a major bust. On graduation picture day, the really popular girls thought it would be hilarious to take a picture with me.
I'm not stupid, and I knew there was some mean of sabatoge that they had on their mind.
They came up to me and asked me in a half-assed tone if I would take a picture with them. They all literally had a smirk on their faces, and just looked like they were trying as hard as they could to not laugh. I ran off crying into the bathroom.
Yeah. digital cameras need to be hurled towards the sun.
There was so much more that happened, but I would be here until next christmas writing it all out.
I know I sound like a self-loathing loser.
But lately I feel like crap, and I find myself losing sleep at night with the recurring memories I had as a kid.
I thought I was doing okay with my WL attempts.
But then today, I was in the car with my mom, and I saw a really skinny girl running in short-shorts, and one of those sports bras.
I made a comment that I would never wear that outside[only because I'd be afraid of the creepers around here, but I failed to mention this after my comment]
and my mom said, "well it's not like she's obese or anything."
great. now my mom thinks I'm obese.
I was really shocked by my mom saying this, because she never says things like that.
Needless to say, the rest of the car ride was silent and awkward.
Ughh.
does anyone else ever have a hard time with things like this, and just want to jump in front of a freaking bus??
It's amazing to me how fast/easily people can make a person feel so low about themselves.
/end of rant./