I am not even sure where to write this. I have issues - and I need support. I'm not sure if the official word is "depressed" - but I have issues that I can not over come and I'm not sure how to get over it.
To ignore many other issues and make a long story short, we have 2 boys, 2 wonderful boys. I am sick and tired of people asking me "are you going to try for #3 so you can have a girl?"
A) that is so rude.
B) I went thru menapause when I was 38 so I can't have any more
C) I almost died when our 2nd child was born , and don't want to risk my health or their health again. Plus I had a m/c after he was born too.
I always thought I'd have 3 kids. But it wasn't meant to be. Would I have liked to have had a girl? Sure! But would I trade my boys? NO WAY! I love both of my little guys more than life itself. I never knew a love so strong until I held them and looked in their eyes.
My problem is - I can not accept the fact that we can't have more kids and I get jealous of friends with baby#3.
I try to tell myself that there are many people out there TTC and they can't. We were lucky and got pg very fast without trying.
I figured God had a plan - I was torn about having a 3 rd child after the problems with the other 2 pregnancies (both were in NICU), so I tell myself that God gave me premature menapause so I wouldn't have to worry about having #3 or not. Though I did have a m/c -- which I blame myself for because I was so scared about being pregnant - and almost dying again - and blah blah blah - I could write a book -- but I am trying to keep this short.
To top it all off - my husband makes a lot of $$$$. It's in the 6 figures, and a $20,000 bonus now and then is very common. Our IRS refund is always over $10,000 because DH withholds a lot on his W2- we have money saved, and we are debt free. We live in a nice big house full of beautiful things. Our kids are healthy. I am a stay at home mom.
Nice life huh? Then why am I hung up on not being able to have a 3rd child? I know I need to put on my big girl panties - but I can't

What about adopting a little girl?

KLK you read my mind...

2Bthin - Maybe this is Gods way of telling you to adopt a little girl... We have friends that are in the same situation w/ 3 boys. She felt she was meant to adopt a little girl- They just found out this week they were approved and will be getting their baby girl.

Good luck.

Well if I adopted a "girl", then I don't want my boys to think why I needed a girl. I don't "need" a girl. I know a lot of moms when they are pg they are hoping and praying for a girl. I just hoped and prayed for a healthy baby. I know women that say they were "meant to have girls so they must have girls" then they end up with boys. I don't know if I care if #3 is a girl or not -- I just always wanted 3 kids.
As for adoption - I am worried about that too. Worried it would get messed up some how -- worried that the birth mother would come back. I know a local family who did foster to adopt - brought the baby home from the hospital - they were planning the 1st birthday party and were told they could adopt very soon - low and behold a long lost birth UNCLE came out of the wood work and the court gave full custody to this guy.
So that is my main fear of adoption.
I would want domestic - I don't have the energy to go overseas ...esp. with little kids at home now and nobody to watch them while we flew half way around the world to find a 3rd child.
DH has always said we could take in a foster child - who is older -- but that scares me too - because I've heard many of them have so many issues and I wouldn't want harm done to the other kids.
My mind thinks way too much and I've tried to think of everything.
Right now I feel it's time I accept it and move on.
While others are having baby #5 and #6, etc.
I guess it just hurts worse when people ask "are you trying for #3".
Sometimes I am rude and say "I went thru menapause already". Sort of embarasses them. Not many 30-somethings have hit POST menapause.
And knowing I almost died the last time people still ask -- I'm thinking "are you crazy? Who would want to risk their life and know their kids would grow up without a mommy?"
I'm sorry to be a downer today - just have wanted to talk about it - and figure 3FC is the best place -- better than friends in the neighborhood who may or may not understand.

I'm going to go out on a limb and agree with you.....count your blessings.

You are fortunate enough to be blessed with 2 wonderful children, lifestyle and husband...why not get involved with THEM instead of wishing/wanting what is not able to happen? You have the opportunity to do so much for yourself and your family just as you are.

many women would be happy to be in your situation...and you still have a little time for yourself (i'm guessing here).

do you think that the menopause is causing the blue moods? whatever you decide, you are a very fortunate woman with 2 great kids.

I can't say for sure, but I really don't think your sons will think you'd adopted a daughter bc you needed a girl (i.e. that they weren't good enough). They would all grow up together and they would understand that you adopted a baby that needed a family, not that you needed a girl so you adopted a baby, if that makes sense. Personally, I always thought adoption is a pretty great thing. I'm SO not ready to have children yet, but I always thought it would be really great to have two children naturally and then adopt a third, possibly from my fiance's country (Albania).

But you may be right about becoming content with the family you have, which seems to be pretty great as is!

I don't know your details, so disregard this if you want. It's true, you are blessed, but that doesn't make the losses any less painful. Have you ever had a chance to really talk it out (over time, not one conversation), really let all the feelings out, express all the thoughts, not just the ones you think are OK? All the angry ones too? It is perfectly normal for it to take time to deal with painful things and reach a place with some peace, but it doesn't happen at all if you don't really, fully experience the painful part in all it's ugly glory in the first place. You have to really feel heard and understood before you can let it go in any sense.

Here is a different perspective! I am the middle child and I hate it! I will never be as special as the oldest nor as cute as the youngest. I felt basically ignored when I was growing up. My parents are great but the oldest knew all the tricks to get attention and what she wanted. The baby didn't even have to try. Every one takes care of the baby. Now I love my brothers and sisters to death so I'm not whining. This is a very common thing for middle kids...Do some research.

Now take a look at your baby boy...Do you want him to be a middle kid? I feel so strongly about it that I refused to have a third just so my baby would never have to feel the way I feel.

D

Actually - I have not opened up to any one person. My DH tries to stay focused on happy things...his desire is to give me what a want, no matter how big, no matter how small...he knows he can not give me a 3rd child.....well he could, but physcially I can't have one----the subject I think is too depressing for him, and he is always always a "glass half full" kinda guy. My girl friends - don't get it.
So no, I have no really let it out. Good question.

Thanks for the smile -- I will try to remember that ! Good points!

I'm the baby of my family, and I know all about "getting everything" because I can't deny it, I did/do get everything, I want. My sister on the other hand, generally doesn't. My mom can't say "no" to me, and when my dad was alive, he couldn't either. My mom wanted 3 kids, so that would've put me in the middle, but then they went against it... I sometimes wonder really if being the baby is the best thing, I don't know. "Getting everything" isn't always the best thing. However, I don't whine and cry if I can't have it... I'm not that type of person. My family was very grounded, so who knows... If you do want 3 kids, do some research first - Make sure it's what you really want, and see how your other 2 kids are going to be affected by it. Ask questions.

I could not have another baby after I had my daughter. And my husband and I chose adoption. We adopted thorough the department of social services. Did we get the perfect baby? NOOOO! LOL.. We adopted school age kids (ages 6 and up)..cause I found out - lots of people want new babies... no one wants older kids.
In fact we have 7 adopted kids. hahaha... Our first adoption was 28 years ago and our last was 9 years ago. We have Kara age 10 then adopted now 38; Tony age 7 when adopted now age 28 (with a 3 year old son of his own- my first grandson!); Michael age 6 when adopted now age 26; Meaghan age 8 when adopted now 21; Nicole age 6 when adopted now age 19; Jennifer age 10 when adopted, now 18, Christopher age 7 when adopted now 16.
Every one of our children has been a blessing! Have their been problems? Well sure! Even with birth chidren you have problems... giving birth does not insure a perfect child. I can't say I would ever change a thing! We did NOT have a lot of money, but we did have enough... but we had a lot of love. I never had a problem with birth moms. I insisted on meeting them BEFORE the adoption to allay their fears..so they would know their children were going to a family that wants them and loves them. I found most birth moms were relieved to be able to talk to us- my husband and I- and to ask us questions. It made the adoption process easier [in fact my sons' birth mom would only release them for adoption if my husband and I adopted them]. I also set up a post office box in a city 30 miles away.. and gave them that address to write to me. A few wrote for a few months, but within a year or so all birth moms had moved on with their lives. (Remember, most of these women have many problems of their own- the reason the kids cannot live with them).
Oh and for your kids thinking you "needed" another child... It is so funny, every one of my kids had asked me not to adopt any more kids... in fact some begged me. But as I explained to them, I apreciated their input, but this was grown up decision. It's not for kids to decide. And yet when their new siblings move in... their feelings change. My birth daughter is 30 and her brothers are 28 and 26... the three of them have been thick as theives since the boys moved in! They couldn't be closer, if they were birth siblings. Meg is 21, Nici is 19 and Jenny is 18- and the three of them are like triplets..lolol...with different hair, skin and eye color..lol! And Chris at 16 is till my "baby"! A 6' baby, but a baby none the less! HAHAHA!
(My Kara who is 38 was 10 when we adopted her- we knew she had brain damage caused my physical abuse from her birth family and was mildly ******ed- what we didn't know was that she was mentally ill (also inherited from her birth family). She is my special child... and she functions around the level of a 7-10 year old... when she was 18 I started advocating for her- to get her a sheltered apartment through the Department of Mental Health and by the time she was 22, she got an apartment with 2 other girls like herself and a job in a shletered workshop. She is very happy and productive- works, lives semi independently, goes to DMH sponsored dances, has lots of friends, vacations in FLA every winter for a week and Nantucket for a week every summer with her program. And she visits us any time she want- usually, she she has a sleep over once a month and every holiday.... we knew ahead of time she was going to be a challenge...but I didn't want to see this kid go into an institution! She deserves so much more. She deserves a REAL life.. and now she has it.).
I recommend adoption to all people with love in their heart to give to children. It doesn't take very long before they become YOUR kids. My kids all consider me their real Mom.... and their birth moms are their birth moms.
(by the way my birth daughter is 30- so I did disrupt birth order by adopting. but she still acts like the oldest child- go figure!)
I also recommend domestic and LOCAL adoption... there are literally thousands of kids that need homes... don't limit yourself to a baby... it doesn't guarantee anything! Kids don't come with guarantees! I figured I had the "baby" experience... I left the baby to someone who did not. I love my kids and don't regret a single minute! Good Luck and Bless

PS...the best thing about having 8 kids is everyone believes they are spoiled...each of my 5 girls think THEY are Daddy's special girl- to this day! And not one of them can get everything they want, so when they do... they feel spoiled and special!

As I read thru all of the posts i was thinking we can tell you all you want but its you who has to decide and know what you what. You said about your children thinking you need a girl...Is that because that is what you think...you think you need a girl....Because children with only know what their parents put off. I have 4 children and we do foster care. I have had a 15 yr old girl for over a year. She had to go to a group home for a while. She just had some negative thought patterns and behavior. She never ran away, she never was disrespectful, she was nothing major at all. She just has baggage from before and we have been the first family that has stuck with her. Most do fc and as soon as they screw up a little its off you go...they have had that all their life that is not what they need. They need love and to be taught what is right and wrong. They sometimes done know how to deal with things properly...Yes Fc is hard work but my children completely love her and she is on weekend visits with her and they just want her to come home. They have asked why when she has first come or when I have had a teen here for a little while and I tell them that we want to help them and explain in kid language what they need...love, home...etc. As to foster care...when they call you with a referral they are required to tell you what issues they have had, meds they are on etc. Me having so many children I have to be careful what kids I let in here. But I know that God will put in my house the ones that I can make a difference in and that is safe for my family.
I have two neices that are having another baby one was going to get an abortion but she just couldnt go thru with it but she is not ready for another baby....there are girls like that all over the world...some you can just meet privately...I was adopted at 2 yrs old. When i was a teen I was upset because I thought I did something wrong that my mother didnt want me but then I look at all my biological siblings and they have all been in jail or juve. Me I have never been in jail, graduated college, a youth pastor...I know that God had a plan for me and saved me from going down the wrong path...

SOOOOO with all that being said...You first must become content with your family and enjoy them.....Second maybe there is an longing inside of you for another child because there is a girl out there that you are meant to raise!!... ThirdIf you just ignore your want to have a third child you will always have it come up in the future...
So you really need to decide if that is truly want you want another child and start the process for whatever you want to do before you get older and your life changes or whatever. If your worried about the middle child thing then get two more kids...LOL...But I will say there are GREAT parents out there that can make it equal for the children. They can make it not feel like a middle child. Such as giving them their own day or weekend to be the "spoiled child" You take them out one week then your husband take them out the next week...but like have a set amount of money as to this is what I will spend on each of them on their spoiled day...then it is fair. I would not be concerned with the middle child thing but you will HAVE to work on it and make sure your fair with all of them. If your not it will happen your youngest boy will even more resent you for one adopting another one and then two for treating that one better than him and him being left out all the time.
So if your going to do it...do it for the right reason and do it right!!
Sorry it is way way long..just had to get it all in there!!!

I also have an adopted child, he is grown now and I can truthfully say that I love both my boys equally. I don't think of them as "adopted " or " biological" they are both my sons. For purpose of this post the oldest one is the "biological" one ........I think.....