Okay, so anyone who knows me from my how-many-years here knows that I have a serious obsession with Le Tour de France, even with Lance out of the picture.

I have forgiven Floyd and still think Basso would make a fine son-in-law (he and that cute little guy on the Red Sox team that just makes ME gaga).

Every July I watch these guys and drool over their butts. And I've come up with my list of wants and needs.

Thankfully, I have been blessed with everything I need. I've only to work on the Wants List.

I want a Tour butt.

I want to sit on a chair and have my thighs remain on the chair with no overhang. I want the chair to be my grandson's Big Bird chair.

I want to SEE my belly ring even when I'm sitting.

I want to stand with my feet together and still have a two-finger gap between my thighs.

I want to run five miles and have a bounce in my step, my ponytail, and my boobs. Nothing else.

I want the word jiggle to pertain only to Jell-O.

I want Susan Sarandon and Monica Bellucci to be jealous of ME dammit!

And I want it ALL before the war in Iraq ends!