So I'm in this stupid scenario with this boy and at this moment I'm intensely pissed and need some perspective. The background is, we've been seeing each other fairly casually for a few weeks. He just broke up with a girlfriend of three years, and was in another long relationship before that, and so is not ready to be exclusive with anyone at this point. That said, we see each other a lot, he's told me before that he thinks if he met me 6 months after the breakup, it would be different, and he's told me that he's seeing other girls but not sleeping with them, so we're exclusive but not exclusive? Ish? I don't know. It's an odd in between point. I'm in the middle of finals and insanely busy and stressed, and had a really hard day today - passover with a bickering family, when I really just needed something to go right. He told me a few days ago he'd be staying over tonight after he got off work, he works right around the corner. Called and texted today, he wasn't getting off until really late, told me he'd be over around 1. So I stayed up, like an idiot, for three hours. At 1:20, I get a call, he started feeling sick again (he's been on and off for a while), he really needs to sleep, he's going to go home, can he stay tomorrow night instead? God. Damn. It. This is the third time int he last two weeks he's done this, and I made it really clear how incredibly frustrating it is for me, that flakiness is the one thing I ABSOLUTELY cannot stand. I told him I'm really angry, but that yeah, I guess he can come tomorrow, because I do want to see him, if i didn't want to see him I wouldn't be so pissed. He apologized, but really didn't have any excuse. I don't even particularly mind that he doesn't feel good and wants to sleep in his own bed, but the jerk didn't tell me until 1:20, when he KNOWS I've been a crazy person and waiting for him. I'm just generally starting to feel like I'm not sure this is worth the stress. It's hard, because I really do like him, and I do think we have potential, eventually... and frankly, when I do see him, it's great. It's just a really frustrating situation. To make this more confusing, he just asked me to go on a trip with him for 2 days to see a baseball game. I hate baseball, but I said yes, because, again, I'm an idiot, and I like the jerk. And I just don't know what to do. My inclination is to tell him tomorrow how frustrated I am, and that honestly, if we're not in a relationship, I'm frankly not willing to deal with the stress. This is supposed to be fun. If things like this happen again, I'm out. It's just not worth it. It sucks, but it's really not. Do you think I'm right? Wrong? An idiot for sticking around?

Having been in similar situations, I'd say let him go and if it's meant to be later on then fine, if not you're better off. He may be a really nice guy, but if he's not ready for a relationship right now then he's more then likely just going to string you along.

Also, do you really know him well enough to believe that he's not sleeping with the other girls he's seeing? I'm asking because I've been in this situation and have seen girlfriends in this situation and 9 times out of ten they are sleeping with the other girls. Maybe that isn't the case in your situation, but I'd be very skeptical.

Well, if you are going into this with open eyes and really hear what he is saying (he won't commit to you, it's just a "friends with benefits" sort of arrangement, right?) and are okay with that (it sounds like you aren't at this time, really) then, it is what it is and you will get out of it what little he is willing to give.

To his credit, he's been direct with you about not being willing to commit, so that's good! If you are truly fine with this, good. If not, and you are hanging on in hopes that he will change his mind, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment. It may be worth the risk though! Only you know.

I don't know, it's odd. To zenor, I didn't actually ask him whether he was sleeping with other girls or not, or ask him not to, or any of that, he volunteered on his own. Soulbliss, we've had conversations about this, that it's an odd scenario because we do go out on dates, we do have an emotional connection beyond what would generally be considered friends with benefits, we're just not in a scenario where it can be exclusive. Essentially, the problem is that it's this suspended limbo state. Generally you know fairly quickly with someone whether you have potential or not, and then either move into a relationship or stop seeing each other or have a purely physical connection. We don't fit into any of those. And I know I sound deluded, but he's been the one to clarify that he's not just interested in sex, even when I've made it clear that that's not a prerequisite for us having SOME type of relationship, friends with benefits or not. And we've ended up at not. Relationship not otherwise specified. I don't know.

I guess the issue is that I'm ok if we've clearly settled on how this is going to work - whatever, we have one DATE a week and he stays over once or twice more, which has been the general pattern - and then he follows through. The rest of his time is his to do with as he sees fit, and frankly, vice versa. The issue is when something comes up that interrupts that, and then I'm just not committed enough (and again, vice versa) to make a whole lot of allowances. And I need to figure out where my line is.

From the perspective of someone who has recently gone through something similar - at some point you're going to have to decide how much you're willing to give to someone who won't/can't give back.

What I would suggest is that if you really think there might be a future between you, that you back off the relationship part and just be friends. Don't go out of your way for him - staying up until all hours or making yourself available or going to things you don't like just because it's him.

If you're free, then say yes. If you want to go see baseball, then say yes. Otherwise, say "no thank you" - just like you would with a regular FRIEND. Be friends first and let him get over/past the breakup.

If the relationship part is going to happen, it will only happen successfully when you're both ready.

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That makes sense. It's hard because we generally have to plan fairly far in advance because we're both busy, so I end up having to make a commitment to set aside time, it's not as casual. The game I only said yes to because it's a 2 day trip, and I thought maybe after that I'd be able to figure out where we stand/what to do. Stupid girl. I just hate feeling vulnerable.

This made me giggle - and not at all a reflection on you. I am in the SAME boat in a way. And there are times I say to myself ... don't be such a GIRL.

*sigh*

Men are annoying. I love them ... but good GRIEF>

.

Right? And yet we keep coming back... I wish I were a lesbian. Wouldn't have to bother with birth control, either!

Right? And yet we keep coming back... I wish I were a lesbian. Wouldn't have to bother with birth control, either!

When I first started seeing my boyfriend he was much as you've described your fellow - we DEFINITELY had potential, lots of it - but he always needed a lot of space and time to himself...basically wasn't ready for a relationship as such. If I am honest...neither was I as I'd come out of a nasty relastionship barely a month earlier and definitely was still in the "man hating" period lol.

We persevered for a time and ended up becoming really frustrated with each other to the point where what we adored about each other became overwhelmed by all the petty things that annoyed us.

He is never on time and he's terrible at commiting to things (going to parties or going away...anything really etc) and being emotionally unavailable where I would be ultra needy and over analyse everything to compensate. It became a viscious cycle.

Anyway, we DID end up breaking up for about 3 months during which time I dated a few times and yes...even once knocked a guy over the head and dragged him back to my cave...

However, Paul and I during this "break up" never actually stopped seeing each other - we'd continually have late night meetings and have hours long conversations. During this, i guess cool off, period we were able to step back and look at the relationship from each others perspective and realised ****...we ARE crazy about each other and yes we ARE opposite thinkers (I'm Miss Instinctive where he is Mr Logical) but we're compatible.

I guess my point is that we had to give each other time and that sometimes relationships don't just happen spontaneously. If you two do have serious potential then as some of the other girls mentioned focus on your friendship and connection. When it's the right time it will progress naturally. And if not well, you may at least gain a good friend.

Oh yeah, lesbians have it easy. Sure they do. Right.

Women try to make things either A Relationship or Not A Relationship. Sometimes a person just wants to hang out now and then. That's what this sounds like. You are wanting to make it more--you're treating him like it's A Relationship. It's not. It's a friendship with benefits.

Stop staying up late waiting for him, changing your plans to suit him, etc. That's not what a healthy friendship is about--or a relationship, either. Get interested in your own life--it's really all you've got.

Jay

I pretty much agree with Jayell - but let me put this out there....

*Is he changing his life around for you?
*Is he staying up late at night pondering when you will call?

Sure....he's fun & great to be around...but all new relationships are....that doesn't mean it'll be the one. Just have fun and don't let him rule your life. You are your own person and should not put your life on pause for him....and once again, if it is meant to be....it will. Life is simple like that.
~A