In my office there are 13 women and 6 men. Of the 13 women, I am 28 years old and right in the middle of the age-range, though there are none within 5 years of my age. The girls who I work closest with on a daily basis are in their early 20's and absolutely the most petite, fit girls I've ever met, and very obviously never had a weight problem in their lives.

I guess the hardest part about my day-to-day is that they really are just so clueless about the things they do and say. One day last week 3 of the younger girls were in one girl's office talking about their weekend trysts and complaining about how "gross" it is to see one particular group of "fat girls" at the bar they frequent. I just happened to catch part of the conversation and it really made me wonder how they talk about ME when I'm not around...

Am I being paranoid? One of the girls is technically my superior, but it really irks me that I have to answer to someone so ignorant.

Any advice?

That's really tough, and it is so unfortunate that they sound so immature and ignorant. I'd like to blame it on their youth, but then I've heard people of all ages (and sizes!) say unbelievably rude things about people who are overweight -- particularly women. I have heard men who were significantly overweight bash overweight women without a second thought as if the rules are somehow different for women. We seem to be the last safe "target" and some people just enjoy putting others down, it just makes them feel good.

They are small, narrow-minded people. Perhaps these girls you describe will someday grow out of such behavior, perhaps not. If I were you I would ignore it unless they begin to make rude comments directly to you, at which point I would state unequivocally how innapropriate such behavior is.

Oh boy. I'm so sorry that one of those ignorant people is your superior.

Were it me that overheard the conversation, I'd do my best to ignore it. For me, no good would come of bringing such a thing up to people. But, it depends on what you want. If you feel very strongly, you may want to talk to HR.

Are they talking about you ever? Who knows? It's not worth your time to be too worried about it, though. Thinking about it isn't going to make you feel any better, nor is it going to get you an answer.

Thanks Josephine. I do try to ignore it for the most part, but its hard to brush off comments like "oh my god i totally need to lose like 5 pounds"...they have no idea what kind of hurt that puts on someone who needs to lose ten-times as much.

If it were that easy for me i wouldn't have posted the thread in the first place... but thank you for your words of wisdom.

That's a horrible situation...but since one is your superior, and she's making you feel the way she is, you may think about talking to her, face to face. Tell her you've heard her derogatory comments about larger women, and that you take offense. If nothing changes, go over her head. You shouldn't have to work for someone like that.

There's a woman in my office who's a size 4, max. And she goes on and on and on and on about how "fat" she is, and constantly fishes for compliments. She just "can't believe how GOOD" I look now, and wishes she could do the same thing (while eating out twice a day, snacking, etc.) One day I'm just going to agree with her, tell her she could lose a few pounds and walk away.

A few thoughts -

First, psychologically, people tend to put labels on people they don't know, and not on people they don't. So, most likely, when they make comments about "fat girls at bars" they aren't thinking of you as a fat girl. You fall outside of that kind of broad categorization, because they know you personally. You're not a fat girl, you're Dina, and therefore not lumped into that class of people. It doesn't make a ton of sense, but this is how the brain works. So they probably don't even realize they're saying anything that might upset you, because they're not classifying you in with that group.

Second, I really disagree that just because they say they want to lose 5 lbs, they are insulting you in ANY way. You may need to lose more, but that doesn't change the fact that, in the body they are in, they'd be more comfortable if they lost 5 lbs. It has nothing to do with your body...it is them, talking about their own bodies. If you are hearing that as an insult toward you personally, I think your self esteem and feelings about your weight might be a bigger factor than what they actually mean. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, but it does mean there isn't much they can do about it.

The fact that this woman is a supervisor, though, does move the conversations clearly into the "inappropriate" category, and you'd be within bounds to talk to her or her supervisor if you really can't take it. Just know that, most likely, they don't even see you as a member of the group they're talking about, because they don't categorize you that way.

They are probably just self absorbed and not even realizing their comments are hurtful to you if they aren't directed at you personally (maybe you should have a loud phone conversation with a friend about how "gross" it is to see air headed bimbos running around dressed like sluts at a place you went over the weekend ) but, as a person who is (presumably) in a supervisory position, the one girl should not only be putting the lid on dicussions of weekend trysts but should absolutely not be making derogatory remarks about anyone - what if she were allowing/encouraging negative comments about an ethnic group? There would be **** to pay! I'm not sure what the laws in your state are (and this could possibly be federal) but harrassment is defined as any behavior that makes the workplace an uncomfortable or unpleasant environment. I know you don't want to stir the pot and give them the impression you are just jealous but, if you handle it calmly - maybe ask them how they feel about "blond" jokes - and tell them "fat" comments make you feel degraded, you will give them the opportunity to learn a little compassion.

I have to agree with mandalinn's point on this.

Their 5lbs is probably just as frustrating to them as your 50lbs is to you or my 100lbs is to me. You certainly would not feel that you were "putting hurt" on me by saying you only need to lose 50 lbs when I need to lose 103, right? Same prinicple.

Also I'd just like to point out that you say that none of those girls "obviously" ever struggled with their weight. The fact that one of them says she needs to lose 5lbs says to me that they *do* worry about their weight (and I'll bet every one of them has done so at some point). This is something I've come to realize in my journey - that if *I* had worried about 5lbs when I first gained it, I wouldn't be in the position of having to now lose 20x that and struggling with it. If I had a healthy relationship with food, I'd keep an eye on things, nip weight gain in the bud at 5lbs and, be much healthier.

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I agree with mandalinn. I think sometimes those 'skinny' girls are just as insecure as the 'fat' girls. Making comparisons like they were is helping them to feel better about themselves. I know it's hard to hear things like that. My husband always refers to my sister as 'fat' and never gives it a second thought that she and I used to wear almost the same size clothing. Sometimes people are unintentionally mean and I've found that it's best to ignore those conversations and people.

I don't think they're personally insulting me, it's just frustrating to hear.

Hi Dina,

I think you already got a good deal of answers on the "fat girls" thing; I just wanted to mention that often, when it comes to supervisors, one has to swallow all sorts of things. Look at this example: I work in an office that has no perfume policy (although it is not really enforced [unfortunately]). I don't really have perfume allergy per so, but I really do not appretiate having to smell perfumes or colognes (or sometimes aftershaves - we have on guy who obviously POURS it onto himself) that I don't like. We are in one of those new office buildings where the walls are of glass and there are windows to opens, so all the smells are trapped inside.
Now consider this: last year, my manager (a woman), who is also a member of the Health and Safety Committee (yes, the same committee that issued the policy) wears perfume every day. What do you do then? Does one remind her of the policy, of whose existence she is well-aware; ask her to stop wearing perfume, or complain "higher up"?
Luckily, she is no longer my manager so I don't come into contact with her on a regular basis, but it just irks me that she can be so inconsiderate. Otherwise, she is actually someone I like a lot, except for the perfume thing.

OMG when you do that come post here right away, kay?

I'm only 20 and I know the girls your talking about soooooooo well. I see them all the time in class and I wonder if they're thinking I'm fat or something or how they can be so superficial or whatever... and then sure enough the make an off the cusp remark about someone being "fat" and I get offended and stand the sight of them. This, I've been told, makes me seem "stuck up" because I get indignant and don't want anything to do with them because they're so shallow and idiotic in my mind. I had a group of those girls in my pharmacology class this year.

Then I was at spinning the other day and I was completely oblivious to the fact that one of these girls was on the bike right in front of me and at the end of class she sees me, smiles and says "Hi, I'm ________. You're in my pharmacology class aren't you? I've seen you here a few times...blahblahblah" we ended up talking for five minutes. She was really nice. Yes, girls can be stupid and make inappropriate comments but I've found over the years that most of the time, if you can find a way to strike up a conversation with them (or they you) they're not bad people. If you can have a nice conversation with these kinds of girls once in a while the paranoia lessens significantly. Maybe just... try to just be nice around them anyway (even if it kills you) and if they feel like you're open to a conversation they might feel like they can talk to you. They're probably intimidated by you since you're a few years older, even if it doesn't seem like it. Attempting some sort of amiable relationship could make the whole thing a lot more bearable.

I only say this because god knows this pattern happens to me all the time. It might be worth a shot.

I'm now quite thin and it took me a long time (and daily hard work). Trust me, thin girls DO worry about those issues (if we didn't care, we probably wouldn't thin. Metabolism runs out after age 18!)

And thin girls who make fun of overweight girls only do it because it is their way of validating themselves. They are not happy and must put others down to feel good. Low self esteem.