I have PCOS and insulin problems. I want to be skinny. I want to be a size 0/2. I do not want to be anorexic boney skeleton thin, but I want to be SO skinny, with muscle definition. Unless I started to look like a skeleton, in my mind there is no limit to how thin I wish to be. I would be so happy to be a zero.

Ugh, I just wanted to come out and say it.

I could never be anorexic b/c I love food too much and I know it's unhealthy and would ultimately kill me. I love my body, but the changes I want to make are to the extreme. I won't be able to stop at 160, 150, or even 130. I want to go the whole way.

Problem is, I've been dieting and working out for months and have been fluctuating within the same 10lbs. I have PCOS and insulin problems, so going low carb WORKS so well, but I get depressed b/c my brain is lacking carbs.

I saw Ali on the Biggest Loser last night and she's making progress the same way I want to be making progress. She's like SOOO thin!! She's hit the 130's already! I know if she can do it I can do it, too. I want to see how much skinnier she can get by the finale next week!

Anyway, I was so frustrated this morning with never reaching my goals, goals I've wanted since I was in grade school, and I just wanted to scream that I want to be thin... I want to walk into Banana Republic and pick out a size 0.

Is that wrong?

It's not wrong, but it can lead you into crazy thinking which can lead you into crazy behavior.

I think many of us get into trouble with all or nothing thinking. If we want to lose 20 lbs the first month, and only lose 10, we don't celebrate the success, we mourn the failure. Or if we have a two or three week weight plateau, we throw our hands up and decide we "can't do this," and give up (and regain all of the weight, and usually a little extra for good measure).

For me, the craziness stopped when I started seeing each loss as a victory, in and of itself, even if there would never be another. The thing is I'm losing a LOT more slowly than ever before in my lifetime of dieting. However, I've also gone the longest I've ever gone without serious regaining (the little ups and down from TOM and water retention are still there). I mean major world record for me. In the past, not losing pretty much meant gaining. I was terrified to try to lose weight, because in the past it always meant an eventual gain rather than a loss. Breaking that cycle has been a tremendous achievement.

It's not wrong to have want a dream body, but don't let it prevent you from seeing and celebrating the changes you've already made.

Michelle- I understand where you are coming from. I think a lot of diets are started because of body envy... you see someone else's bod, and you say "I have to have that." But, losing weight isn't just about being thin- it's about being healthy, feeling stronger, and feeling better about yourself.

I would have to argue that the first step in losing weight is loving yourself at your current weight. If you learn to see the beauty in you now, the journey will be so much easier. If you have that way of thinking like "I am not beautiful until I am skinny" than you might end up struggling more. You need to make peace with yourself first. That way, you can celebrate every little accomplishment, rather than causing self-hatred when you don't lose x number of pounds by x date. That way of thinking sets you up for failure- believe me, I have lived it.

Have you talked to your doctor about PCOS and weightloss? Have you thought about seeing a dietician- someone who can direct your eating to help fight your PCOS? From what I understand, diet and exercise are KEY in relieving PCOS symptoms. Maybe you just aren't eating the right foods or exercising in the right way to lose weight with your PCOS. There are tons of people here who can help you!

I am sure you are beautiful at the weight you are. Try to embrace who you are now, and accept yourself. I am not saying you shouldn't try to lose weight. Just make sure you are starting off with the right frame of mind. This life change is going to last for ever!

There is nothing wrong per se with feeling the way you do. It is neither wrong nor right. It just is. I think, if you first accept that is how you will feel, then you can relax about that. Just remind yourself one thing: feelings are not facts. Feelings are just feelings.

If you want to be a size 0, be one. No one is going to stop you but one caveat: are you willing to do whatever it takes to get to that size? There is a quote floating around here on this website: Being fat is hard. Losing weight is hard. Being thin is hard. So, choose your hard. Or something to that effect. You have already learned about the first two but have you considered how hard it might be to be that thin? Maybe, you will still think it is worth it. Only you will know that.

I have changed my end goal weight once. According to a normal BMI for my height I should weigh between 125-155 lbs. I have been 125 lbs but I was only able to maintain it for about 6 months. I have also been 135 lbs all through high school and it seemed to be the weight I gravitated to. So, for now, that is the end goal weight I am choosing. If, when, I get to 135 lbs and I feel that I want to continue to 125 lb I will make that decision at that point.

Maybe, you need to concentrate on the weight lose right now and as you get closer to your end goal weight you can make the "final" decision then.

I too have had difficulty in losing weight in the past. I had undiagnosed PCOS for decades. I am sure that I am insulin resistant as well. I have found that good carbs (no white flour or sugar and minimally processed) works best for me. I just try to eat well balanced meals every day. I count calories. I follow the food plan that is allowed on South Beach Diet. I do avoid added sugar and white flour because those cause both cravings and water retention problems. I am losing a steady 1.5-3 lb per week. Yes, I have slips but I get right back on my food plan the next meal.

Is it hard? Yes! Is it worth it? Yes! I am at a weight that I haven't seen since 1985!!!

Don't give up. You are You. Not Ali, not me, not the next person. Celebrate You and make this happen for You.

You can do it Michelle!

Thanks so much for all your encouragement!

There are lots of reasons why I want to be that extremely thin though...

In high school my Dad sat me down and told me that successful men only marry thin women. So if I wanted to find a good man with a good job I would need to be thin. He is very successful and my mom is a size 2. This WRECKED my self esteem. At that time I weighed 145lbs and was a size 10. I was in NO WAY fat. But I wasn't as skinny as my mom.

Then there was another talk a few years later- he said if I wanted to get a good job out of college I would need to be thin, since people will judge me on an interview. At this point I was 160lbs and a size 12. I wasn't thin, but I still wasn't fat. Well this just totally wrecked my self esteem even more, and I totally flew out of control with anxiety and wound up at 220 at my highest.

Now my Dad is not a bad person or anything and I think he was trying to help, not realizing what exactly he was saying, or the damage that it caused.

But, I've never been able to shake those words from my head. I've had lots of boyfriends since then, none of them successful but good people. My current boyfriend I am totally in love with and he treats me better than any man on earth has ever treated a girl, and he makes me feel beautiful. But, he's had the worst luck with job hunting even though he's a professional, and right now he's broke and can't even afford a car, or a ring for me.

Guess what? I blame his situation on my weight. I know it's stupid, but it's true. I can't shake that belief. If I could get as skinny as possible I believe we wouldn't have money problems. I know, IT'S TOTALLY STUPID!!!

Also, I've disproved my Dad by having a great job for the largest publishing company in the world, and I make a lot of money for someone my age. So, there's that myth put to rest. Ugh.

I’ve never really told anyone about these demons before. It's totally horrible what I've been told to believe. I was very happy with myself before those conversations started in high school. I thought I was 'okay' and now I have a feeling of being 'not okay' or even a 'bad person'. I know it's not true but...

I feel like my whole extended family (aunts and uncles are highly successful or married successful, and are thin) will judge me if I marry a guy who isn't successful and I'm not thin. But I feel like if I'm thin and marry a guy who's not successful it will be fine, b/c as long as I'm thin I 'picked' him, instead of 'settling' for an unsuccessful man b/c I'm not thin.

I know these ideas are totally outrageous but they hurt my brain every single day. I don't want to believe them.

I'm so sorry that your father's words caused such damage.

Who decides what successful means? Is someone less successful if they make a quarter as much money as a miserable person, but come into work every day happy about what they do and the difference they make in the world? Is someone less successful when they find a size, weight and athletic level that they are happy with regardless of what it is?

Successful is one of those words. It creates a need for us each to draw our own lines & definitions. I think more than just damaging your self-esteem, your father ended up skewing your view of a wonderful word. Success!

Parents. We love them to death. But, we'll never, ever be everything they want us to be. It's truly sad and unfortunate that your father's view of success seems to be so small, because there is a world of success out there for everyone of us. Very sad that he equates skinny and only one type of success as happiness for all.

For example, I consider you to be successful. From your ticker, you began at 220. You're no longer at 220 are you? Success!

It'd be a great thing for you to define your OWN success. Make a list. An HONEST list. Not your father's list. Deep down. What do you want to do that makes you feel successful? I'll bet you already doing some of those things.

My father came from nothing, and now he makes a lot of money by building his own businesses. So, he always talks about his previous hardships and how he learned to be 'successful' (make alot of money). He was also overweight as a teenager, then lost it by starving himself, then met my mom. He's never gained the weight back. So he tells me 'if I didn't lose weight did you think your mom would have even looked at me when we met?'

I don't judge anyone by social status, education, or finances. My Dad deep down doesn't either, but I think sometimes he comes across as doing so. He's a very good man, attends church whole-heartedly, and donates a ton of money to charities. He is not greedy or snobby. And he hasn't mentioned anything to me in years. But those few moments back then hearing those words just completely destroyed my world... and then I gained weight. Funny how his words meant to help had the reverse effect!

Anyway, I'm very 'successful' at everything I do (except losing weight!). I'm great at my job, going back to school for my MBA, work and ride at a stable in my free time (my bliss), and have healthy relationships with my friends and boyfriend. I am supporting a woman in Africa who is raising 9 kids in a hut. I know I am very awesome person (I think?). I just worry about what others think, and I worry they won't see that stuff if I'm not thin. It's so weird, and I know I'm totally wrong! That's the thing- I know I'm wrong, lol!

Ahh well- I feel better just typing it out finally. It literally has been making my head hurt every single day keeping it all cooped up. Oy. Thanks, everyone I had no idea my first post would even lead to all this coming out!!!

I won't say right or wrong here...but I WILL say this: I completely and truly understand you.

I know there are others out there that feel the same way - and I do. I always have felt this way. That, no matter WHAT i do in the world - no matter how much "success" I attain - it doesn't matter unless I'm thin because people just don't look at fat people...at least that's what's been in my brain for - well, probably 28 1/2 years! lol.

I know - like you said - it's NOT right to think like this - but it's how my brain works...so i do completely understand what you're saying and talking about. For me, I FINALLY have the most fantastic job...the MOST fantastic boyfriend...i'm "happy" yet at the same time - the ONE aspect of my life that i'm NOT "happy" with is my weight. I'm going back down, yes - and I'm NOT where I used to be...but at the same time - part of my brain is constantly telling me I will never be TRULY happy until I can fit into a size 6.

There. I said it. that's how my brain works. It's funny too, though - cuz most times when i look in the mirror, I really DO like what I see because I think i DO look good...just not good 'enough'...

I know it's this kind of thinking that leads to trouble...but i just wanted to say i completely and truly understand where you are coming from and you're not the only one who thinks like this.

Indychick- Yes!!! I look in the mirror, seeing a size 14/16 girl, thinking I'm pretty, but it's like, something inside says it's not enough!!! 'I'm' not 'good' enough!

God, why do we put ourselves through that? It feels so good to finally say it!!

Michele - I see you have "Jillian's black team" under your avetar...what's your opinion on kelly??? I know in the thread earlier you wrote about Ali (who, yes, looks absolutely freakin' AMAZING!)...but (and not to turn this into a BL thread...lol) - but i just reallllllllllllly can not WAIT to see Kelly's final weigh in! At first, I couldn't really stand her cuz she cried about EVERYTHING...but she's gotten SO much stronger both physically AND emotionally...and even though she's much older than I am - i see so much of myself in her. One of her problems is, that while she TRIES, she is always saying it's just never "good enough"... :-( and that's how i feel...i still do it - even finish til the end - but at the same time, it just wasn't "good enough" because it wasn't first. :-(

Anyways. yeah...

I'm very impressed with Kelly, even though I didn't like her in the beginning, either! I didn't think she'd last the first 5 weeks, let alone make it the final! I felt so emotional when BOTH girls were above the line last night!!! And to see Jillian so emotional she just fell to the ground, it was so amazing! I thought for sure Kelly and one of the guys would be below!! Truthfully I think either Ali or Kelly have a shot at being the Biggest Loser. Mark is so strong and I really like him, (oh.. btw, I really think Mark is gonna be voted in as the 3rd finalist!), I think the women are gonna win this one. Maybe even Kelly. I mean, God, Ali is like 135lbs now- she doesn't have much else to lose!! (does she???)

well, you and i differ on mark. i can't stand him cuz i think - along with the weight he's lost - he lost something else, there were two of them...if you catch my drift...i just don't like a guy who has to cry at EVERYTHING. but. at the same time - even though i REALLY like roger - i almost would rather mark be voted in - because if roger wins over mark, he may win it all...he's the 'bigger threat' and if mark is the third finalist then one of the girls may honestly have a chance at winning!

Lol, yeah Mark has really gotten soft! I was telling my boyfriend last night that if I'm ever in the mood to watch sappy movies and cry with a pint of ice cream, all I'd have to do is YouTube "Mark Biggest Loser" and choose any one of those clips! For some reason I'm touched by his showing emotion. God, like when he was voted off the first time... I was in tears. It was like someone was dying. But I like that stuff, hehe.

Is there a Biggest Loser thread on here? I could totally burn up some keyboard in that!

Michelle,
I am so glad you posted all of this today. Our minds can sure play a trip on us, huh? What we feel and what we know to be rational can be very different. I hope that by writing it all down, you will be able to find some peace with what your dad said. His beliefs don't have to be your beliefs. In fact, I'll bet that if he knew how much is affected you, he would take back those words in a heartbeat.

Faerie is right. We each have to define our success in our own ways. Find success in your profession, helping that family, your good relationship with your boyfriend. Money is nice, but it is not everything. I would say your dad realizes that through his generosity to charities.

Maybe write down what success means to you. What makes a successful marriage? A successful family? A successful woman? I would rather have a nice guy who isn't rolling in the dough rather than a rich guy who is a jerk. Would some folks call the ex-governor of NY a "successful" guy?

No thanks!!!

I feel very positive that you will work through this. You may end up a size 0, or not, but I hope you will feel good in your skin. I love your honesty.

I was afraid to even tell people these things before, b/c I was afraid they'd think I was obsessed with money and social status, without realizing WHY I might be obsessed with those things.

And the only reason why I care about those things is because I think I'm supposed to. But that improves a little with every step I take to correct it.

It is very hard though when your cousin is thin and she is marrying a 20-something millionaire. So many things wrong with that relationship, though, and even though I see that and who never want to be in her shoes, there's still that little voice in my head saying, "see, she's proof you should be skinny."

But then also, that would mean I'm trying to marry a millionaire. I don't care (and she does)... but something tells me I should care.

Ahh well- the healing process begins! *whew*

PS- yeah I totally agree that there are so many wealthy men out there who are complete scum and I'd never want to be that wife!!!! I know deep down I don't care about those things, I just have to get rid of this ingrained idea. My boyfriend is so great... sometimes I stare at him and can't believe he's real. I wouldn't trade him for anything.