Hi. I've been separated almost a year. Most of my kids are over 18, I have one who's 11. My husband had been cheating on me for quite a while. I think that's why I gained the weight, not to blame him for it but definitely I'm an emotional eater, and I was filling up the empty spots where his love and loyalty should have been.

I definitely feel happier, in a sense, without him. I was so lonely in my marriage that I always felt it'd be easier alone. In my marriage, I was constantly being let down, constantly expecting my partner to pitch in with the kids, with finances, with any help at all. There was a lot of pain in constantly being let down. In his leaving at night, being out all night, then in the morning asking where he'd been, being told a lie, and having to decide to whether or not to believe. I knew he was lying, but if I decided to acknowledge the lie, I'd have to leave him.

Finally, I decided I'd be happier alone. Knowing I'm on my own I at least wouldn't be let down by the person I was supposed to be able to count on.

So I feel free. But I still think about him. He lives a few blocks from me and we do share the children. So how do I get really free? When do I stop wondering about what he's doing? Why do I still care?

Any thoughts?

I am not in your situation and I don’t have any advice to give but I wanted to send you a quick note to tell you how proud of yourself you should be. What you did is an amazing gift to yourself and your future. MANY women are never strong enough to acknowledge the truth and face the pain of a separation. They’d rather settle for a loveless marriage than do the hard work necessary to honor their spirit by walking away from a toxic relationship. You seriously deserve all of the best life has to offer. From one woman to another…YOU GO GIRL!!!!

I think you did the right thing and you are incredibly brave!! My mother went through the same thing and she still love him and thinks of him (it has almost been 6 years now). However I have never seen her so happy and free! She made new friends and does stuff with them (like go on a cruise)……..instead of sitting at home wait for my father to get home from where ever he was. This is your chance to live your life and do the things you always wanted to do!!!

Stay Strong!!! It will hurts like **** at 1st but it does get better!! Just surround yourself with people that love and support you!!

Thank you both for the support!! It does mean a lot. I'm not sure I feel brave, I did it for actual survival because I really did feel like I was dying. Now I need to lose the weight. Thanks for being here.

YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

I went through the separation process, and am now going through the divorce process.

For a while I was doing what you are doing: constantly wondering. Eventually it started to go away, and I wondered and thought about him less and less. Now the only thing I think about him is when I have to contact him about divorce information. We don't have any kids, though. I imagine that makes a world of difference. It will take time, but things will get easier. It's important to take care of yourself and make sure you do things that make you happy. You don't have to worry about a guy who is going to lie or cheat, that is a huge burden off your shoulders. You deserve so much better than that.

Thank you all. It's so nice to have you all to talk to. And thank you for the kind words.
How long were you married, Winter?And your mother, Missy? I ask only because I wonder if there are milestones that I can expect to pass. And it's really hard to get him off my mind, especially because things still pop up. For example, today when I took in the mail, there was a bill for him from Patient First (an urgent care center) in Virginia. We live in Maryland. So what was he doing there? And it came to my house because he is still on my insurance policy. All sorts of wonderings go through my mind. Did he have a girl in Virginia? What took him there? Why did he need Patient First? I could ask him. But from my 26 years with him I know he's a liar, so it would do no good. Then I tell myself it doesn't even really matter. I'm free of him. That feels good. Except when I picked up my daughter from school she wanted to stop at a dessert shop, and we shared a slice of chocolate cheesecake. I didn't eat as much of it as I normally would have. In fact, even with us both sharing one slice, we still left over about a quarter of it. Which means I actually only ate half of a half.
I'm rambling. I needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

I think it's normal to think of him, and it probably will be for some time, this is someone you spent 26 years with.

I used to think of my ratty first husband almost constantly after we were divorced. At first the thoughts were mingled with hurt, it was like I lived in a ghost-town haunted by him, as time went on the feeling was much more neutral. I wasn't married long, but had been with him about 6 years in all. 6 years where we did almost everything together. So naturally, when remembering anything from those 6 years he's included.

I don't hurt over it anymore, but he's certain to still pop in my thoughts in a painless way every now and then.

Milestones that passed for me were making new memories without him. Once his presence wasn't so intertwined in my immediate past he started to disappear from my thoughts. It really just takes time for that to happen.

Thanks - I think that's what I'm waiting for. For my thoughts of him to be neutral, and for the feelings to be neutral. I guess you're right, I need to give it time. Thanks.

My mother was married for over 20 years! My father was her everything...they did everything together. One reason for that was my father was in the air force....and you make friends but you not really in the same place for long so you end up counting on your family. Anyways my father finally got out of the Air force and we ended up moving to Minnesota and he slow started to change.......spending less and less time with the family. He said he was "working"....and every time he was at home he was sleeping. I remember may times I would hear them fighting about cards and gifts my mother would find from other women.

It really killed my mother when he left.....he was her whole life....married when they were just out of high school and she moved here instead of moving closer to her family because my grandmother was sick. By the way my grandmother is living with my mom....she is not my mother's mom...

I would say that the 1st year was really hard.....when I talk to my mom, she would say things like "no one will ever love me Im too old, Im too fat.....or what did I do wrong, it is all my fault."

The 2nd year got better after she realized her children were not going to leave her and she made a bunch of new and wonderful friends. She really saw that she could enjoy life a lot more without my father.

I think that you will do fine and you will be a lot happier in the long run! Just be strong! It is ok to have some chocolate once and a while.....lossing weight is a life style change....take it slow...change small things. You can do it!! And if you need to vent it is fine that is why we are here!!

I feel silly after reading about how long people were together. My pain was probably nothing compared to what you guys have gone through. We were only together for a few years. In those few years we spend, literally, almost every waking, not-working hour together. There were a lot of memories to get past. It was still painful, but probably not compared to 20+ years.

The milestones will be different for everyone. We all have our things to get past and stop dwelling on. But in time they will come. It's important to make new memories without him in the picture. That way you can look back on them and smile and not feel that sense of loss because half of the picture is missing now. You will get through this, and things will work out. They always do. Just be patient, with time and with yourself. Pamper yourself, because you deserve it.

I just recently moved out on my own for the first time in 20 yrs and I'm having the same problems as you... always worrying about him and what he's doing and did he remember to do something..... I'm hoping that it gets easier to live my own life without him as time goes by....

Hang in there!

Karen

Hi, it's so great to be able to come here and give each other support and a listening ear. I know now that I was never happy when I was married. I look back on those 26 years and wonder how I did it. I know I was preoccupied with our children, but I think I was also preoccupied with not wanting to see the truth.
Probably in our 5th year of marriage, a woman called in the middle of the night. I picked up the phone and she said I should ask my husband about his girlfriend. I hung up on her. She called again, said the same thing. Instead of asking who this was, I handed my husband the phone! Why did I do that? He told her she better stop calling, and he went back to sleep! I was afraid to ask too many questions. The rest of our marriage (26 years total - still makes me mad that I gave him that many years) was similar, only progressively worse.
It still haunts me. But I like hearing how you all have overcome it and moved on.
And Ragex, I love your name! When you say you moved on for the first time in 20 years, do you have children? Because if you do, do you find that keeps you tied to him, even as you would love to never speak to or see him again? I find that very hard. That I'm in this in-between spot, I'd love to forget him, but we're still tied. That's hard for me.
And the still thinking about him. I wish I could stop! Today at work they ordered pizze. I had a slice - because I was thinking about him. How do i stop?!