I have a weird question, and I was hoping for some insight from other ladies who are taken (or guys who are taken!!). I have always felt like my husband is just too good for me. I mean, seriously, he's amazing. Top of his class all the way through his masters degree, successful career, completely devoted to me to the point of ridiculousness (refuses to go to strip clubs even though I encourage him to go, is afraid to hurt my feelings over the tiniest thing like telling me I forgot to turn the oven off), good looking, selfless... I mean, all around amazing guy. I, on the other hand, feel rather average- good in school, but no where near as good as him, middle of the road job experience, "okay" looking but nothing to write home about, and overall a good person, but certainly not as utterly-selfless towards him as he is to me. I marvel sometimes at how I actually managed to snag him. But here's the deal... is feeling this way a sign of low self esteem, or am I just observing the truth- that I married "above" me? I was watching the show "According to Jim" the other day, and both characters Jim and Cheryl agreed that Cheryl was just superior, and Jim "married up." What is your take on this? Do you ever look at your significant other and think, "Wow, I definitely married above my level" or maybe the opposite, "Wow, I definitely married below my level." Is there such a thing?

I've actually switched places -- when I met my husband, I was 24, cute, thin and had a great job -- he is 8 years old, has been relativey bald since I met him (which has never bothered me, but always bothered him) and has always had a good job. At that time he was terribly insecure, felt I was "lowering myself" and constantly told me I could do better. I never felt that way. (He always catered to my every whim, if I mentioned in passing I liked something or wanted to go somewhere, poof -- he would pack a bag for me and surprise me with a trip.)

Now, I'm overweight, the age difference doesn't seem to matter after 12 years and I'm a SAHM with a part-time job. I feel like I'm blessed to have him, with a great job, gets more hansome as he ages (how can wrinkles look distinguished on a guy but old on a woman???).

I don't really feel that he's "above" me. I feel you marry your soul mate, the person who identified wtih you and who you are. I think the difference is that you truly appreciate all you have. Some people just take their spouses for granted or feel they deserve everything.

And, you have wonderful things to say about him -- I'm sure you've mentioned to friends and your family how great he is. Wouldn't you like to know what he tells people about you? I know I cut myself down so often and feel inadequate, but when my husband talked to my mother once about me, you would have thought I was a saint!!

Hmm, no, I cannot say that I feel that way. I think DH and I are on the same level. I'm more educated, but he (I truly believe) is more intelligent. I think we're similar in attractiveness, so I feel comfortable around him. I do believe I dated a guy or two who were below me...I don't mean to sound elitist but honestly, one guy was just completely white trash, and I met him at a low point in my life and thought dating him was a good idea. But I finally wised up and decided I deserved better.

You might not like this, but it really does sound like you might have some self-esteem issues. I don't know you, all I know about you is from that little post, but I know what low-self esteem is like. It's not believing others when they tell you you're wonderful.

And I don't have anything against strip clubs, but I think it's strange that you would encourage your husband to go to them (unless there was like a bachelor party going on and he was moping around because he felt like he shouldn't go and hang out with his friends, KWIM?)

I still think I have low self-esteem but I do feel a lot better about myself now. Ultimately, my issue was tied in with depression. Getting treated for depression helped me start to actually value myself. Do you ever think you might be even remotely depressed? If so I think you might benefit from talking to someone about it.

I think my husband is "above" me in some areas and "below" me in some areas, but I don't try to keep score.
At times, when he is having a tough day and not feeling any self-confidence he doesn't feel like he is good enough for me. And sometimes I am having a down time when I don't feel good enough for him. When we feel down like this we are able to tell each other, and then we are able to affirm the one feeling down with how much we love and respect them.

Dh and I are equals. He does have a lot more education then I do, but that is because of life circumstances not intelligence. I do plan on going to college at some point anyway. Dh treats me very well and I count myself lucky to have found a man whose Mom raised him right.

I did date a guy at one point who felt that I was too good for him. Let's just say, that didn't end well. He found someone that he felt wasn't and ran off with her. Which in the long run was good, because I met my DH.

If you think it's a self esteem issue (sounds like it might be), I'd get some counseling. If he didn't love you he wouldn't still be around. Everyone deserves love including yourself! Don't sell yourself short here. I don't think that marring up or down should be a concern as long as you love each other.

Sorry if that isn't what you wanted to hear.

I have struggled with depression on an off throughout my life, but I can tell you: right now, I am happier than I have ever been. As with anyone, there are always things in life that I wish would be improved, but overall I feel very comfortable where I am. I do know that my DH talks very highly of me... he tells me every day, and his friends have told me how much he loves me- my mom even told me once, "I saw the way he looks at you, and you can just tell he absolutely adores you."

Other than the usual gripes about my weight, I am generally a pretty confident person. I know that I am no where near perfect, but I also recognize that I am on this earth for a reason- a friend has a sign on his wall that expresses how I feel- "God don't make no junk." I recognize my value. I just think overall he is a better spouse. I tend to be more easily upset, I take things to heart more than he does, I am a little more knit-picky and a little more jealous. Overall, though, I still think I am a pretty good wife, given my flaws. I try to show him every day how much I love him and how thankful I am to have him in my life.

As a side note, I don't push him randomly to go to strip clubs... I just want him to know that I don't want to hold him back from having fun- I don't want to be that "ball and chain" all the guys talk about. We're both young, and I just don't want him to look back on these years and think "man, if only I had done __________." But he freely chooses not to go because those places make him uncomfortable. We're going on a cruise soon, and on that cruise there is a topless deck- I told him if he wanted to go, we could go. Again, he chose not to, because he said he has only girl he wants to see. I think he's awfully sweet- but I know he at least has to be curious, lol.

LittleMoon, it sounds like you genuinely love and admire your husband - and that is truly wonderful. I loved reading your description of him.

I wonder, what does he say about you? Have you every asked him how he feels about you? I'm sure he married you for a reason, and I'll bet the reason is that he thinks you are absolutely awesome. He may admire and appreciate aspects of you that you don't even think about. So what happens when he tells you that? Do you believe him? Does his description of you make you appreciate yourself as though you were seeing yourself thru his eyes? If so, I think all is well. If, on the other hand, he tells you how wonderful you are and you don't believe him, then I think you may possibly have a problem with self-esteem and you might want to consider getting some help in that area.

Good luck,

lol, what if I believe him, but I feel he's exaggerating? In general, I see the good things that he sees- but I think he gives me TOO MUCH credit. For example, I think in general I am fairly generous- he thinks I am the most generous person he's ever seen. I think I am fairly good looking- he says I am just as beautiful as Jessica Alba (lol, his celebrity crush) or any other random celebrity. Am I really to believe he thinks I am THAT pretty? Come on now.. I know he is attracted to me, but believing that he would take me over Jessica Alba any day (as he once said) seems a little extreme.

By the way, I really appreciate all your answers. I love hearing other people's takes on relationship stuff because everyone has their own unique point of view, and I think stepping out of your own way of thinking can be very enlightening.

I have to laugh....my hubby always says that he married better than I did..lol
I just laugh when he says it, but there is a little truth to it. But nothing can change the fact that we deeply love each other.

My husband had these insecurities when we met. I had my master's degree, he didn't finish college. My job paid about 25 - 30% more than his. I had always been the "good girl," and rule follower, and he had lived a party lifestyle in his early 20's. He really didn't understand what I saw in him.

Even his proposal was an accident. He was building a house in a video game and asked if he needed to have a big house like the one he was creating before I would marry him. I answered "are you proposing," and he said "is that a yes?" Later, much later, we'd been married for over a year, I learned he hadn't exactly meant to propose, just test the water. I asked him why he didn't say anything, and he said that he knew I was so much smarter than him, that if I thought it was a good idea, he was all for it.

It took him a while to realize that I wasn't going to regret our relationship, because I could "do better." But what he was judging himself on, weren't things that were important to me. I didn't care about the superficials. I told him, it was like shopping for a car - there are must haves and bells and whistles. The engine and gas mileage is much more important than heated seats. My must haves were not college education or great job. They were things like sense of humor, love of life, compassion, loyalty, similar belief systems, strenghts where I have weaknesses.... In the important ways we are very well matched.

If my husband still feels as though we are unequally matched, he doesn't say it. I would get very angry at him when he did, because it made me feel like he was saying that I didn't know who he was, and that my values and view of him weren't accurate. Like I was going to wake up one day and realize that a college degree and a powerful job were more important than integrity and compassion (or even a shared love of ethnic food and sci-fi).

I don't think there is "marrying up," and "marrying down," in the sense of a true superiority. There are people who are mismatched, but it's when their values are different, not their personal statistics.

Philosophically, I don't feel this way really. There are times when I see people and I think that, but I hate that I do it because I don't really feel that there are levels and people that others shouldn't be with just because they are more attractive or whatnot. With my bf and I though I never thought about it, just other people

Biologically though there is sort of this occuring, it's not necessarily above or below, but apparently we are attracted to people that put of pharamones similar to our own and vice versa.

There have been times when I have looked down at my dimply thighs and chubby body and thought... man, how can my husband be attracted to and want to have sex with this? But I know that it is negative self talk that I have to stop. I think that everyone has their own set of qualities - both good and bad - and in the end we all level out. I do not think that one can really be "above" or "below" the other.

This is a really big pet peeve for me (not directed towards you personally - just my response to the concept here).


The whole concept of marrying "up" or marrying "down" just makes me so angry.

I hate the idea that anyone is "above" or "below" anyone else. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. We all have good and bad thigns about us. Not one of us should ever put ourselves or anyone else "above" other people.

I think in a lot of ways my husband is a better person than I am. I think in a lot of ways I'm smarter and have more common sense than he does. He has more empathy. I have more drive. He is more cynical. I am more optimistic. And on and on and on.

But neither of us is "above" the other. We're both human beings with our share of flaws and faults.

.

i have one of those husbands. He truly is my better half, inside. He's a better person than i am.

i thank God every day i got lucky enough to have him.