Hello everyone!

I found this forum by typing "fat and depressed" into Google, because that is what I am.

I am a 27 year old female from Slovenia, so I thought it would be appropriate to join the British section of the forum, where people do not think that Slovenia is an illness or a new Swedish band. I think it will also be much simpler to quantify my weight and height here in the metric system, unless you prefer stones and pounds, in which case I will have to find a converter. Also, I am a huge drum and bass fan, so it is logical from that standpoint as well.

I was always fat. I have never in my life experienced how it feels to be thin. It had an enormous impact on my life - i grew up to be not completely grown up, always dodging groups of people, as I would much rather stay at home and eat. My forum nickname is a direct translation of what other children called me in my childhood.
My parents were alcoholics, so that might have had something to do with the whole situation as well. I ate every time I needed love, and that was very often.
The heaviest I have ever been was around the age of 20: I weighed 110 kilos at a height of 160 centimeters. I looked like a whale.
When I was 16 I weighed 83 kilos. I lost 10 in a year and that's when I met my boyfriend, with which I have been ever since. He was always very supportive and so patient with me, because I used to be a hysterical nervous wreck. Now that I look back at it... it is a true miracle that he didn't leave me after two months, or after I started gaining weight again (and became even more hysterical and unsure of myself), because there was no end in sight. It went on for four years, in which I ate myself to the staggering weight of 110 kilos. In the meantime, my Mum stopped drinking, and after two years of sobriety (which were the best two years of communication with her in my life) she met a man who smoked weed. And, of course, she started too. I was devastated at first, and demanded that she let me try some, so I can see what the big deal was. My boyfriend was so sore with me, that he went and smoked some on his own, which is a very funny story, because he had no idea what he was doing, so he rolled it up in some regular paper that almost burned his lungs. After that we thought, what the ****, let’s buy some cigarettes and try them. I bought the classy sort that my aunt, whom I respect a lot, smoked.
The whole point of the story is to tell you how I started smoking. Although I am not encouraging anyone to take up smoking for this, or any other purpose, it did help me to stop eating as much as I did. I lost about 40 kilos in two years, and kept it at a steady weight of around 70 kilos for two more years. I have a satisfying face, so I did get some (sexual) attention from other men then my boyfriend in that period.
But now, for a year or so, I have been battling my weight again. I weigh 84 kilos at the moment, and cannot seem to stop eating, plus I have a smoking problem, so really - DO NOT START SMOKING!
I am fat again (although I've never been thin), wearing baggy rags, not going anywhere, and I get more and more depressed each day...
So I though I'd find a forum where I can release all my sadness about it, and maybe get some feedback from people with similar problems.

I'll be glad to read your replies and comments.

HEY! Can you translate kilos for me into pounds???

I know the basics of a diet, workout...
If you need any advice or tips from me, I'd be happy to help. I'm hoping to lose atleast 100 lbs.
I workout 3 days a week and have cut down my calorie intake drastically. But I'm new to this weight loss stuff too.
Thanks for reading this.
Take care,
Lacy

hi,
just read ur story and am really feeling for you. It is hard to be depressed whether you are fat or skinny but being overweight does make it hard. This a great support forum with amazing success stories. I have just started my weightloss too and am finally very serious about it. Smoking is just bad for you ..it was hard for me to quit and but it is not impossible. I think it is time to try and get healthy for ourselves. I am trying to cut down on carbs eating more lean meat and vegetables and going to the gym whenever I can.
welcome to fatchicks.
take care
sara

Ello and welcome. I've not been around here for a while, but here I am today so welcome! I lost nearly 40lb by using Fitday.com (which is free - you input what you've eaten each day and it works out the calories/% protein etc), by just eating sensibly really and getting motivated to exercise. But literally the week I hit my target, my dad was rushed into hospital with what turned out to be the first part of the final stages of his cancer. Few months down the line, my dog died (he'd been my running companion - I live somewhere remote and was too scared to run alone) and I know I've regained some weight as I've gone up a dress size. What I'm saying is - we've all been there - emotions are tied in with weight issues so much, and sometimes when you start to deal with your emotions (which you ARE doing just by coming here!), then the rest falls into place. Am sure you can dig deep now and find the motivation you need and once you start getting fitter (I refuse to say 'losing weight' because it's not about that, eh? It's about being healthy!) then you'll have the motivation to continue.

Glad you found us here. Hopefully now you've recognised your depression and seem aware of its causes, you're on the road to taking control again! We're with you every step of the way.

Thank you all for the kind welcome!

Conejita (does that mean female bunny? I have a special interest in languages, I speak five of them) one kilo is approximately two pounds – a bit less, maybe an ounce or two.

Phoenix, thank you very much for your inspirational encouragement, and the tip about FitDay! I went there and calculated how many calories a day I have been eating for the past six months that I have been seriously binging, and it was about two to three times more than my daily requirements. So no wonder I gained 20 pounds… I will have to work quite hard to get out of this depression and start moving again. In the years when I was not that fat, I quite liked (fast) walking – it was my only form of exercise, but I did it a lot, and often (I walked almost anywhere I went – I live in the smallest capitol in Europe, the mountains are visible from the centre of the city ). You also kicked me a bit out of my self-pitying with your story, because I didn’t have anything quite that horrible happen to me lately.

Thank you all!

Hello and welcome

This is a great place to get stuff off your chest, I'm hugely impressed by your English. Once you make the decision to lose weight and find the right mindset and chip away at it you will find the weight falling off.

It is horrible feeling so down and pissed off about yourself I'd say most of us have been there, I know I have, I've lost quite a bit of weight and recently I've gained a few pounds back and it made me feel such a failure, fortunately I am feeling better about things now.

Like yourself I had a very difficult childhood my mother suffers from schzophrenia so I understand where you are coming from with regards to the food thing.

You seem to me a real lovely girl and I love your description of your satisfying face it really made me smile.

I look forward to reading your posts.

Why don't you hit the shops and buy yourself something new even if is in a bigger size than you would want and start to feel good about yourself.

Take good care
Michele x

Yep fatbomb shopping therapy works for me. I was thinking of having my hair cut the other day then caught myself thinking *I'll leave it til I'm back to my normal weight and feel good about myself again* then I thought - what??? Feeling good about yourself/less depressed means being kind to yourself now!

So as micheleherts says, treat yourself to something nice to wear, and start feeling good about yourself again now - and the rest will follow.

I too find it hard to treat myself and I keep putting things off until I get to goal weight - it's almost like I punish myself for being overweight and am not deserving until I am alot thinner.

I used to be like that but I celebrated my 40th birthday whilst on my healthy eating campaign, my friends took me out and bought me white trousers and this kind of a halter neck top both in size 16 at that time I was 12 stone 5lbs so a big girl for someone as vertically challenged as myself, but wearing these clothes made me feel so good about myself, I had my hair done, got myself sprayed in fake tan and had the most fantastic night. I only wore those trousers the once as I went very quickly into the next size down but it was so worth buying them for that night and how they made me feel. So go for it.

You look lovely in your picture.

Michele