Since having my children and gaining so much weight I feel sort of asexual. I don't feel like a real woman anymore. I don't ever feel sexy, even when I put on nice clothes. I feel like the feminine part of me is buried under all this weight. I don't feel attractive anymore and I wonder if any of you have gone through this.

I think I'm feeling this way because last night at work I ran into a doctor I used to work with when I was thin. He looked so handsome and in shape, and here I was looking like an old fat frump. I was so embarrassed for letting myself get like this. We had a great conversation, but the whole time I kept thinking, "what must he be saying to himself about me?"

I know I'm on the right path and it will take time, but I just feel really down today. I want to lose the weight slowly and keep it off, but I just feel so ugly.

Sorry to rant, but sometimes it helps to just write down how I'm feeling.

In my experience, feeling sexy has less to do with size and more to do with your feelings of worth about yourself. The only time the two are related is when you tie your sense of self-worth to your size.

We are so much more than our size, and our lives don't need to be "on hold" until we reach the size we want to be. What's more, losing weight won't fix a broken sense of self (trust me! I know from experience...I reached goal and...guess what! I still felt ugly, but now instead of being bothered by excess fat, I'm bothered by loose skin and grey hair). It won't go away until you work on your self esteem regardless of your size.

So what can you do to improve self esteem? Lots of things! Maybe you need to rediscover some things you are good at, or buy yourself some fabulous lingerie that fits you NOW and makes you feel good. Waiting until you hit goal to feel sexy is not only silly, but is no guarantee that you'll ever get the feeling you're looking for.

Self esteem can be tricky. Do you have therapeutic resources available to you? Sometimes having someone to talk to can be great when working through these issues.

I know how you feel. I have gained 100 pounds and tend to steer clear of the people who "knew me when". But, I've also realized, sometimes we let how we feel on the inside be portrayed on the outside. Not only did I feel like an asexual, I began to look that way too. I quit fixing my hair in the morning, wearing makeup and started wearing big, baggy mens shirts (because they were comfortable and hid what was underneath). I haven't lost much weight get, but just wearing "girl" clothes, doing my hair and throwing on a bit of makeup whenever I leave the house makes me feel 100% better.

Do I feel like a woman? Well, I was on call yesterday so no one bothered to do the dishes or pick up and our living room looks like a fraternity house...

Oh wait....that's not what you mean!

For me, since I had my first baby at 20, I went from cute chick to mom, so I've never really done a lot of experimenting with sexiness. Lately I've been getting some pretty lingerie and it makes a big difference.

I do tend to wear shapeless clothes, sweaters, scrubs, clogs, and tennis shoes. Funnily, I watched What Not to Wear yesterday and there was a woman on there with similar "style". It's amazing what nice clothes in a good shape with nice shoes can do.

I may be busting out into a new style.

I think you got some good advice. How about a haircut or a makeover? Some fun highlights? Maybe some rockin clothes that fit you really good right now?

I have a couple things *like the jeans I'm wearing now* that make me feel kinda sexy but it doesn't last long. I remember what I weigh and what I want to weight and i feel crappy again. I'm such a glass half empty person huh. But I'm getting there. I know I can do this!

I have my good days and my bad days, and sadly, my bad days are mostly based on the way I think other people view me. I'm working on that.

I understand completely.

I've never once in my life felt "sexy". I feel like people are repulsed by me, like I make them want to be sick!

But, I lost a fair amount of weight a couple of years ago, and during that time, I do remember feeling slightly better about myself. I was finally able to buy "cute girl" clothes, instead of the blah-tastic couture creations of the plus-size departments of stores nationwide. But perhaps more important in making me feel "pretty" was that I was more often seen wearing a smile.

I definitely agree with what others have said: it seems like the healthy way to go is to not allow your self-esteem to be tied to your weight/size/shape. Unfortunately, that is much easier said than done in my case. I know that I'm smart and I've even said a funny thing or two in my day... but it doesn't seem to matter all that much. I still feel worthless and ugly because of my weight.

I also agree that having an impartial person to talk to helps. My therapist recommended a book called "Life Doesn't Begin 5 pounds from Now" a while back. I found it helpful, it's just been a while since I read it, so I've forgotten most of the helpful ideas that I read.

Gads did that one hit home. I've been wearing the biggest men's shirts I can find for a couple of years now and I cringe when someone (including my husband) goes to hug me because I can't stand them feeling all those blobs and rolls underneath those oversized shirts - like they don't already know what's under there right?

But, just because this fat that's clinging to me is afraid it's going to be homeless, I refuse to let it use my low self esteem to trick me in to giving up my "quest" for a fit and healthy body! I will not use "what's the use" as an excuse to stop at Pizza Hut on the way home!!

I know even myself, being a young, single, unmarried woman I felt rather asexual and unattractive when I was heavier. And even back in high school when I wasn't very heavy (but thought I was) I felt vaguely unattractive to the opposite sex. But in some ways I think it was the reverse: I felt gross and thought I wasn't worth it, so i gained the weight to reflect what I was feeling inside (sort of in denial abou it though) all along...

I think the first time I ever really felt sexy was this past fall at a Pub crawl I went on. I remember just feeling really good inside, partly because my jeans fit better, but also because I realized I'm not a horribly repulsive and unattractive person. Sure my curves are fat, not totally womanly, but I have some good assets...

I want to hold on to that feeling, because if I don't that's when I'll gain weight, because my outter appearance is more a reflection of my inner appearance and feeling.

I can definately relate. I don't really ever feel sexy. There are one pair of jeans that I like because they are tighter and my boyfriend says he likes them. But yeah sometimes I just have to look at my boyfriend and think, what is he doing with me?! hah

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm.
The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning.

The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and that they are all going to die.

At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me at least die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like woman?"

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat. As he aproaches her, he takes off his shirt.
She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?"

Eagerly, she shakes her head, Yes!

As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this."


missingmyerica, like many have said, self-esteem is worse on us than our weight. I had terrible low self-esteem and didn't even realize it. I wore boxy clothing to hide my being overweight...as if you can hide that. I overdid my makeup and never liked my hair, my nails were constantly brittle and short. As my esteem grew, I began to take better care of my hair, nails, skin AND to work on losing weight. But in the meantime, I bought nicer clothes, and took constant care of my outward self. I tried making a habit of looking people in the eyes, of being conscious of when my gaze would wander away and bring it back. I always had a problem looking people in the eyes when speaking with them. But if they were looking in MY eyes, they were not looking at my oversize body. So most of it is our own perception of ourself.

I started wearing denim skirts when I go out because I look like such a blimp in pants. I couldn't face the public Try it. As soon as the skirt goes on I feel feminine and absolutely people are friendlier. I think the feeling of femininity with the skirt comes from the way you have to move and the treatment is probably the result of just not looking as large. Pants really are not as slimming as skirts.

Okay ladies I know this sounds crazy but... not only do i feel like a woman but i feel strong sexy and beautiful. I signed up for a POLE DANCING CLASS, and I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its a exercise class that will kick your butt, and make feel amazing. It combines yoga, pilates, and pole tricks. See if you local area has one google it. Its worth every penny!