Hi everyone, I've been around for a while popping in and out trying to find the right place for me and all my baggage, but I just have a serious question.

How did you decide enough was enough and had all you could take to make the change? I can't stand myself anymore and I want to change but I feel deep down that I'm keeping myself miserable to punish myself and feel the pain and discomfort on a daily basis as a punishment for all my emotional baggage. I blame myself and my body basically for the loss of 4 of my babies. so I deep down want to punish my body and my soul for failing and not protecting them. I don't think I can allow myself the happiness anymore. I do have 2 beautiful children with me now and I feel that I am robbing them of their mother and all that I need to be for them because of my losses. Does this make any sense at all? How do I stop blaming myself for things out of my control? How do I convince myself that it wasn't my fault and I didn't do anything wrong so that I can finally lose this weight and be happy again. Maybe I'm crazy but I've been through so much I just can't let go and get past it and I desperately need to for my health and sanity as well as my kids. Any input would be nice thanks in advance!

Hillarie -

Have you considered seeing a therapist or counselor? The issues you're describing are bigger than weight loss. a counselor or other professional could help you to let go of past issues so you can work on your body and body image for today.

What you're saying makes perfect sense, but it is indicative of issues larger than can probably be addressed in a web forum. There are lots of resources for low-cost counseling across the US if you don't have insurance that covers mental health.

Hillarie,

Have you talked to a therapist or a minister or a trusted friend about your feelings? Have you attended any support groups? Regardless of your answer, it sounds like it's time to look for more help along those lines.

Has anyone ever told you that the miscarriages were your fault? Miscarriages happen, and they are not the woman's fault as you are seeing it. You have probably heard this many times--what is stopping you from believing it?

Unless you can believe that you deserve to be happy right now, as you are, with all the blessings you have, then probably it IS hard for you to consider how to lose weight. In fact, you sound like you don't even want to live.

We can only give you limited support here, although we do give what we can very freely as caring people. I urge you to talk to someone about these feelings! You're not alone in having them, and others can help you with this. Please hang in there! You have a precious human life, even if you can't see that clearly right now.

Jay

Hey Hillaire...im So Sorry For What You Had To Go Through. It Sounds Very Difficult. It Sounds Like A Good Idea To Talk To A Professional About Your Feelings. For Your Motivation Just Think Of The 2 Bundles Of Joy That You Do Have. They Need A Healthy Mom To Take Care Of Them!

Thank you guys for your care and concern. I have gone back on my antidepressant. So I'm hoping that will help a little and I'm trying to believe I deserve to be here. My children are growing up so fast I have to fix me before I miss anymore of this precious time. I am trying to find someone I trust to talk to about all my mixed up feeling and stuff. Hopefully I'll resolve some issues.

I know no one has ever said that the miscarriages were my fault but I couldn't see putting the blame on my unborn child for having something wrong with it so that left the only other person in the picture me, short of blaming God which didn't get me very far when our first son was stillborn. Then there's always my mother for having me born the way I was to cause our first lost in the first place. So I could go on and on but I'll shut up now. I just thought rather then blame everyone else I'd take the blame so I wouldn't hate anyone else. I know I'm messed up in the head.

Anyways, Thanks for listening and I'll be around hopefully with some progress to report.

As was stated, you really need some help with the emotional issues. But perhaps you could motivate yourself on the weight loss by focusing on how a healthy mother has a better chance of delivering a healthy baby.

I had a daughter when I was 19, and hadn't yet gotten grossly overweight. But I kept the pregnancy weight on after her birth and kept gaining from there. Then, without even trying to keep protected, I went 21 years with no more kids. So I got my weight down to 140 and was healthy for the first time in all those years. And bam...I got pregnant. And I had a much healthier pregnancy too. No sickness, no swelling, none of the problems I had with my daughter. I attribute it to the fact that I exercised all through pregnancy.

So if it's a consideration that you may want to try again, getting healthy may help you in that area, as well as help you to keep up with the two you have now and enjoy life with them more.

Hillarie, I agree with the others, you need to seek out counseling/support for dealing with your miscarriages.

Like you, I have two children and lost 4 before birth. It is very difficult to accept the loss of a child before he/she ever had a chance to live.

Hopefully, you can find someone to help you understand that this is NOT your fault, not your body's fault, not anyone's fault. You will never know why your 4 precious little ones were never born, but you can come to terms with this and be at peace with it.

Your family needs you to be happy and healthy. You can overcome this. I will keep you and your family in my prayers!

Hi Hillarie. First off, that's great that you are going back on your anti-depressants. I'm on them and I know, for me, I'm a whole different person.

I would like to address the above statement. Why does it have to be anyone's fault? I don't think it is. I have had 2 miscarriages and I know there is a tendency to blame yourself, but it doesn't do you any good to do that. What I found for me, looking back, was that it wouldn't have been a good time to have children, I was too young and immature. So, for me, it was better that it happened although it upset me and I still mourn sometimes.

Maybe you can work on the blame issue when you find someone to talk to. I wish you the best of luck.

my last straw was when I went to the doc's in May for a sinus problem, when I went in Sept for my annual checkup, I had gained 12 lbs.....IN FOUR MONTHS! I knew prior to this that I needed to lose weight but just never did anything about it, but the docs visit woke me up. Not to mention I got a bunch of blood work done and all my numbers were good and normal, so there is absolutely no reason for me to be this heavy.

I also echo of maybe seeing a counsler, they are there to help ppl get through emotions such as what you are feeling. Hang in there hon.