I've been on WW for two years and have lost 70 pounds (still another 80 to goal) ... though most important is that I've become so much healthier. I started training in July to walk a marathon, and I completed my first marathon (that's 26.2 miles!) three weeks ago. During marathon training, paring numbers from the scale was less important that eating healthfully and increasing strength and endurance. I did great -- and it FELT great! -- though I didn't lose much weight during training.

Now it's time for more weight loss. The problem I'm running into is that I'm scared to death! Now that I've lost a little weight, moved into a more active lifestyle, and become so much happier about what I can do ... well, ok, this is about boys. Can we talk about boys? *laughing*

I'm in my 40s and feeling very shy about dating. I get so panicky whenever someone asks me out. And then I freak out about wanting to be thinner, and instead of continuing on the path that's worked so well, I eat. So I'm having one of those days -- date on the horizon, and all I can see is chocolate and cookies. HELP!

There are several sayings that you can repeat to yourself...

Don't put the cart before the horse.
Take it one step at a time.
Face the thing you fear and that will be the end of fear.

I want to congratulate you on your success. That is SUPER!!!!
During your training you were building muscles. They replaced the fat... so that is why you didn't lose a lot. That is a GOOD thing. Instead of 10 lbs of fat .. you now have 10lbs of muscle.
YOU DID LOSE FAT.

AS far as the "boys" ...LOL ... I would stick to the MEN.
I guess what I am trying to say here.... have a sense of humor about the whole thing. RELAX ... and enjoy it.

FEAR is False Events Appearing Real.
A little fear is natural. Just don't let it rule you.
You are probably more anxious than fearful.
Take it one step at a time. Just like you took it one pound at a time.

There is another saying.... Practice makes Perfect.
I change that to Practice makes Progress.
Just keep facing your fears and you will get more relaxed with dating.
And the chocolate ..... DON'T EAT IT !!!!!!
Now you only have one problem... the fear of dating.
But if you eat that chocolate you will then have two.

You know you can pass up that chocolate... you have been doing it to lose 70lbs.... don't forget that.

Good luck... RELAX ... and have FUN.

(If you wanted to talk about sex I don't do that on the first post. )
A little more humor there.

Venus,
I know exactly where you are at! I was raped when I was 33, and have been yo-yo-ing with my weight since!
I finally put 2 and 2 together lately, and understood that my padding was a good hide-a-way!
When I am fat, I do not attract sex.
When I am fat, I become invisible. Sounds funny?
Funny but True!
Beginning of 2002, I realized that this is over!
I am starting my new life, thin and happy and .. let's say it: SEXY!!!
Take care!
Chickadee

Thank you, Cute and Chickadee! It helps alot to speak the anxiety. In my head, I know, I know, I know ... the feelings just take a little more prodding in the right direction (as opposed to toward the cupboard).

Chickadee, you are AWESOME! I replied by PM, but wanted to thank you again and again and again for sharing your strength and making it all stronger.

Cute, LOVE your humor, girlfriend! I've released the Oreos back to their natural habitat in your honor. May they live free forever.

Glad to help

I have to leave, but will be back, either later this evening or tomorrow.
If you need to talk private, you know how

Stay away from these Oreos!

Bubbye!

chickadee4ever.. rape is NOT about sex, it is about control and power. What happened to you was horrible! You are one strong woman.. (((hugs)))

Venus Envy.. First of all, good for you regarding the weight loss! You are doing great! The fear you speak of is something that I can so relate to. My weight has been a "crutch" for me for a very long time and the closer I get to goal (27 lbs to go) the harder it is for me to not be scared.. if THAT makes any sense. I don't always know how to handle the attention I get and it tends to make me uncomfortable. Something else that set me back a little bit was having to file a sexual harassment complaint against one of my supervisors at work (the company did nothing more than suspend him for 2 day). In some weird way, I felt like he would not have been bothering me so much if I was heavier. I still have issues with that, but it is getting better.

As you can see, I don't have a lot of good advice on how to move past the fear, but, maybe we can draw strength from each other and things won't seem so scarey?

Mishakal, what you're saying about sex and rape makes so much sense. I know that being fat makes me feel much more in control over who gets close enough to me to hurt me. And I'm mad as **** about your supervisor and the process that you must've had to go through to report it, only for him to get suspended for TWO LOUSY DAYS. ARGH!!

Last night I met up with a group of friends, and we talked about that relationship between fat and invisibility and control. Being fat has always been a way for me to be funny and smart and sassy without also getting singled out for individual attention. Makes it very easy to control the situation. I mean, nobody's gonna get to close to The Fat Chick! Which means that I can't REALLY get hurt.

Which is an odd thing to believe, right? But there's another paradox for us, Chickadee -- not only are we more invisible when we're fat, we're also less vulnerable even though we're looked down upon and made jokes of. Cuz they're not making fun of ME as an individual but for me as The Generic Fat Chick.

Now things are changing. Slowly, like a sentence that changes one letter at a time. All the content is shifting along with the letters, and it's tougher to keep up with that than I imagined it would be. Right here where I'm at right now, it's like being at Mile 19 of the marathon ... a long way from the start line, but suddenly what seems like a looooooooooooong way from the finish line, too. I guess all I can do is just keep moving -- not looking back and not getting too ahead of myself -- and hope that the emotional stuff catches up with me after I get my medal!

Anyway, thanks for helping me frame some of the anxiety and fear. I wouldn't have put these things together without y'all's input.

Hi all,

Yes, I hide behind my weight, too, only recently I met a man who LIKES larger women! He even broke up with his last relationship because she wouldn't stop obsessing about being a size 2. So that proves that this thinking is SERIOUSLY flawed - men CAN and DO get attached to us big gals...

You get to pick who you like. Simple as that. You also get to be who you are - you don't have to change yourself to be sexy.

Have fun on those dates!!!

You all have got me crying...and I thank you for it.

Your words really helped bring out what I think has been going sour with me all along, and why I could never get to goal and not be scared to death. I could never get closer to 30 pounds above goal. I'd be doing fine, then get scared for exactly the reasons you all mentioned -- I'd begin eating until all the weight came back (and then some) and I'd feel safe again.

I am so tired of feeling like I have to amuse everyone in order to be liked and accepted. Tired of hiding under this mountain of fat -- too scared and too empty of self-esteem.

One reason I come to this website is for encouragement, but this thread speaks to me at a deeper level. You have each put into words my fears and my sadness too.

yes, some guys do like larger women, just like some gals prefer larger guys. I have all the respect in the world for people who are comfortable with themselves. I simply don't like being an obese woman, and 285 pounds and 47% bodyfat on a 5' 5" frame is obese. It's physically uncomfortable; yet I use my "fat armor" every day to be "invisible."

Thanks so much for this thread and letting me post here. Your words will help me a lot.

Isn't it funny how the fat person seeks "invisibility" behind what is so completely and utterly visible? And the whole "funny" thing. What's up with that? We "hide" and yet we seek the spotlight by being the "clown."

I want to be a normal weight more than ANYTHING in the world, and yet, I CONSISTENTLY undermine my own efforts.

WHY?

If I'm funny, no one will notice how fat I am. And no one can hurt me if I insult myself first.

You're right; it makes no sense. Which explains the difficulty in reaching our goals...

Alright. So this time around, we know a little more about what's frightening about what's keeping us from accomplishing our goals. What do we do differently that's going to allow our hands to keep hold of what we desire ... and get so close to achieving?

My pledge for today is my motto -- to let what's extraordinary about myself shine through. My fears can wear that mask for a change.

What about y'all?

Kim

BTW ..... the date went great this weekend!! We saw the movie ''Amelie'' (I heartily recommend it for all those playful at heart!) and went to hear bluegrass music at my favorite coffeehouse. We gabbed for hours. *sigh*

It sounds like you had a marvelous time.
Thank you for sharing it with us.
Congratulations for facing your fear and moving forward.
I will have to think on the rest of your post.

I am so glad to see that you are moving forward. It takes courage!

Hi, all!

Venus Envy -- way to go. Really like the quote. I used to think of myself as being put under a bushel basket so my light wouldn't shine through. But a bushel basket has cracks in it, so my light shone somewhat.

I've not made any jokes today -- it feels SO good!!! Just decided to come to work and not entertain anyone. It's okay for me to be me. The guys that are shallow and fat-phobic -- I turned my nose up at one like HE wasn't good enough -- and his fragile little ego didn't know what to make of it. It felt good, too. I am not my fat!

I'm taking hold of my life and doing things for me, and not other people. Started my Body-for-Life challenge and have vowed to see it through for the entire 12 weeks, no matter what.

I was stumbling blindly around in the dark, found a match and lit it. The monsters that have kept me afraid -- abandonment, self-acceptance -- are much smaller in the light.

Again, thanks to everyone for their posts! It is really helping.