Is this EVER going to end?

Last time I weighed myself was a few days ago/about a week, and I'll go back on scales tomorrow...because I need to DO something.

I am mad scary out of control. I'd say at the moment im a non-vomiting bulimic, which at least is better than vomiting, maybe, although today is a typical day for me atm and I'm doing 3 hours of exercise to counteract STUPID binge that occurred about 1am this morning..

hate hate hate. I can't, literally, seem to go longer than 24-48hours without bingeing then some kinda purging behaviour. The binges tend to be about 1,000 calories, not often a lot more than that.

I'm so cut up over this, all I can think of is *I wanna be thin* etc.

I was always a believer that stretching yourself and building up a positive life for yourself will raise selfesteem and help out with ED issues, but im doing great at Uni, I'm going to art classes, in an art show, going to see friends, going to a drama workshop this week, heck I even did professional LIFE MODELLING tonight and the artists at the group said how good I was and they couldnt believe I hadnt done it a lot before etc and how *obviously confident* i was, complimenting me etc..I'm thinking christ, if only ya knew, lol.

I'm stuffed full of contradictions - I have all these food problems and always want to be *proper thin*, but at same time I love validation I get and the exhibitionism of taking my clothes off/performing/drama type things...I'm an exhibitionist. Yet, yet yet

Just moaning. Weigh in tomorrow

crikey

xxx

Ah, Cousin!

Lessee... I think that I remember that you haven't liked the counselors you've seen--is that true? Because I was thinking it might be time to go back... or find a new one... just since it all makes so little sense to you.

This may sound odd, but perhaps things are going too well, or too smoothly? Maybe part of you just can't stand that, wants to mess it up... Oh well, enough armchair psychology from me!

Look, can you binge-proof your house? I mean enough so that if you have the urge, it means having to GO somewhere? Just that much deterrent might help, especially at 1 a.m....

Can you find other things to do besides binge? I'm not one for mindless TV or much else along those lines, but certainly I'd try anything I could to avoid that one behavior. Take a long bath... Go for a walk... Call a friend and talk it out... Read a book... Golly, take up knitting?? Well, OK, never mind on that one, but just looking for ideas.

Hang in there, Emily! You are OK OK OK OK OK just as you ARE ARE ARE ARE!

Jay

jay THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

you're great great great! ;-)

I'm going to see what the Uni counselling is like tomorrow. I want to get off the treadmill (non literally)

xx