OK - I have an issue that seems to be getting worse. One of the major reasons I gained a ton of weight was due to a rape (there was other abuse leading up to that but it was the proverbial "straw"). I know it was subconscious at the time but I am now aware of it. I am not at my goal yet but have been getting tons of attention because of my new body, attitude, self confidence etc. At first - this seemed really nice - and even today - the first one or two is welcome - but after that it gets very overwhelming and scary. I have been asked out several times now and this scares me to death. I just went through a really BAD experience with someone who had been my best friend for 13 years and has - at least what I perceived - as a rejection of me physically (when naked) and that catapulted in a total meltdown of the relationship on his end - confusing I know. So the last few weeks I have been really stuck at the weight I am at - not gaining at all - but finding little ways to sabotage any further loss - again - not seeing it at the time - ie skipping my exercise - some fast food etc.
How do I keep this from escalating into a full reversal of my new healthy lifestyle and self confidence ?? I don't want to lose what I have gotten but the attention is scary as **** and makes me dread a number of things - getting my heart broken yet again - physical rejection (loose skin) when in a relationship that gets intimate - possibility of rape or abuse. How do I get beyond all that - which are legitimate fears but I can't let them stop me. I don't want to crawl back into my hole but I can feel it coming and I'm so scared because I know if I go back in I'll never come out again.

Hey Witchy. I have been through some of the same things. I think you said your own advice the best when you wrote that you can't let your fears stop you. Your fears are just that - they are fears, and they are hypothetical. I do that thing with the fears too. But they are not reality. If they become reality, I guess we just have to cross those proverbial bridges when we come to them.
Being at a healthy weight and heartbreak are two separate things; unrelated. I think at least for me it helps to look at it that way. It helps me to put on my Mr. Spock ears with things like this. I don't know if that will help you... but OMG you have come such a long way with your weight loss! That is amazing! Congratulations! That finish line might look scary for a number of reasons, but please let the reasons to finish overcome the reasons to stop. I am rooting for you!!

I admire your courage in facing your fears and losing the weight that you have already lost! You have done great. I have never experienced what you did, so there is no way I can say I understand. I do have a question though and it might help. Are there any gyms, karate or tae kwon do studios in your area that offer self defense courses? They are usually a one time thing that is for an hour or so. The Tae Kwon Do studio I belong to offers them a couple of times a year. It would be worth looking into. I have taken a couple of different courses in self-defense and they are very empowering. Even just learning one thing on how to protect yourself will give you confidence and courage. It may help you overcome some of your fears that are trying to hold you back. I recommend these types of courses for everyone. You do not have to be an athlete, perfectly fit or anything like that. They teach you what to do if you are attacked in a daily life scenario, etc. How to get away. How to handle yourself. How to be aware of things around you so you don't get caught in situations. Like I said, very empowering. I actually take Tae Kwon Do now too. I love it. I don't think I could beat anyone up but I certainly feel I know enough to handle myself if attacked. At least it gives me a chance!

It is something to look into if you are interested. You may have to call or visit the places to ask if they are having an upcoming class. They may not advertise it alot. Oh, also your local YMCA might hold classes like that. Look around and see what you can find. They are not usually very expensive. Your local police station might even haven information on classes.

Take care,
Kathy

Witchy, I can sympathize since I have some similar experiences as you do. Your fears are just that, fears. They are very real though. To prevent and possibly help you work through your fears of being attacked again I think Kitkatbar had some very good suggestions about taking self defense classes and etc. I took a karate class myself last year through my college and it was definitely empowering and I was in awe of what my body could do when properly taught. I want to actually take some more classes myself at a real karate studio in the future when I can afford it. It's an awesome work out too.

Thank you for your responses. The self defense class seems like a great idea - at the very least I would feel I have the knowledge and tools to give myself a fighting a chance IF I was attacked again. It was my fault to begin with - I put myself in an unsafe situation - but I hope I have learned from that. As for the rest of it - I'm trying to get my head on straight and realize that it is a GOOD thing that guys are checking me out and that I AM IN CONTROL and can choose what I do want to do - or not do. The heartbreak is scary as **** but I know that is someone everyone faces - it just seems magnified for me - and many of us on this weightloss journey I'm sure - because I wonder if I will be rejected for physical reasons (loose skin etc). I'm trying really hard to get this under control - just did my workout and am trying to string together consecutive days. I went shopping yesterday and got the things that work for me so I hope I'm back on track.

Hey witchy I know exactly where you are coming from. Just like you I realized that I reached my highest weight as a means of protection from abuse. Now that I am much smaller I am also much more desirable and I am very scared at being abused again. I like my appearance but I didn't get this way for attention, I did it to get healthy but on the same token I wouldn't want to gain weight back just to deter off the compliments I get from men.

It is very scary and it just seems like you are in a Catch-22: If you continue to lose weight, the compliments and advancements will increase. However in order to have the compliments cease, I feel at least, that I need to gain weight back to be less attractive. Either way I won't be wholly satisfied.

I hope you find the help you need and just remember that you are in control. Just like you were able to bring your weight down (massive kudos for your accomplishment by the way), you can be in control of a relationship with someone.

I still seem to fall for the abusive, manipulative type but with time I know I'll get better at it.

Please don't ever say that again. I would suggest you go and get some counseling until you understand - and really believe - that it was NOT your fault. Regardless of whether you took care or not, you did NOT deserve to be raped, and you need to know that.

Witchyonadiet, I agree with Augigi and I had similar comments come to mind when i read your post. I was raped seven years ago, and it took me years to realize that it wasn't my fault and that I could not have prevented it. I could have avoided the situation, but had it not happened then, it would have at some other point. The scumbags of this world will find a way.

Part of life is loving and heartache. It is hard, extremely hard - I know...but if you want marriage, children, or just a SO in your life, at some point you will need to open your heart and let people in. I would get so very hurt everytime a guy would break up with me. I no longer believe in true love. I no longer give my whole heart, I hold some back. I don't know if that is the best thing to do or not, but it has helped me keep some of my sanity

With the compliments - realize that you deserve them!! I don't think it will ever be easy to accept them, but a lot of that comes from self esteem. If you feel pretty and feel you deserve the attention, it will be easier to accept...

I KNOW I didn't deserve it - but I did in fact put myself in a very dangerous situation - so I AM taking responsibility for that. I see a therapist and I have NOT discussed it with her because I choose not too. I don't like to talk about it - and except for you ladies on here - I have only ever told one other person - I plan on keeping it that way.

I am back on track - for the most part - with the food and exercise. I like how it feels FOR ME to see the scale move down and to feel my body doing things and moving in ways I never thought it could again. Now if only my naked body matched what i FEEL like it should - that is so depressing. Going to see my endo next week and he always gives me a boost - sweet guy and very positive.

I am going to pursue the self defense class -called the local womans crisis center today but have to call back. I appreciate your opinions and ideas - its so nice to have people who understand to catch you when you start to fall.

THANK YOU

What dangerous situation?

You're human. Even female humans, even drop-dead gorgeous female humans, even super-hot drop-dead gorgeous female humans have the right to their own bodies. The idea that we're not supposed to wear this or be there is nonsense-- women do not have the obligation to control men's impulses. Men are adults too and they are responsible for their own actions.

Grrrrrrrrrrr - I was obsessed with an abandoned place (not going to be specific). It was a place that many urban explorers frequented and I had a personal connection to the place and had always wanted to go in and see it before it was gone. I met a guy and his girlfriend at a local park one weekend and struck up a conversation with them. They were UE's and said they had been to this place several times and if I was interested we could meet up and they would take me in. We talked for a couple of hours about that and other things - exchanged email addys and a few days later made arrangements. I was to meet them at a designated place - at night because obviously this was trespassing - and we would go from there. IGNORANT

I went and the girlfriend was NOT there however he had three other males with him and when I realized this I was too far away from my car to get away. STUPID and DANGEROUS - no - I did not DESERVE it but I did - IN FACT - put myself in a very bad situation that I had no business putting myself in and thats why I say I am taking responsibility for THAT.
No one DESERVES to be raped but I made a HORRIBLE error in judgement and should have known better.

Witchy I am so sorry to hear this happened to you. *HUGE HUGZ*

Did they go to jail?

Thank you Jasmine - I appreciate that. No - they did not - I didn't report it - I was trespassing and was scared that I would get in trouble - and at the time my son was not mine - I had guardianship with custody (I have since adopted him) and I was afraid he would be taken away from me.

I see. Do you bump into these people, know where they are? I really think trespassing or no, that if that terrible thing happened, that they should be punished. I can't even use strong enough words to say what I think of these people. I do not understand how people can treat other people like this. These are very evil people and thank God not every one is like that.

I can't imagine what you must be going thru hun.

I think you deserve to have some closure on this. It makes me so sick thinking people just run around hurting women like this and get away with it. I don't think rape is about sex. It is about anger and humiliation and hurting someone cause you can. These people are the lowest forms of scum on this earth and they do deserve to be punished.

Were you beaten up to? How did you get away?

ABANDONED PLACE OR NO. YOU DID NOT DESERVE THIS!

That could of happened at a friends house as well.

As long as women are too scared to come forward and keep blaming themselves, these men go free.

They don't deserve to be out enjoying life and possibly be hurting other people.

I can imagine being too scared and ashamed to come forward though. I have heard of women raped while other people are near enough to hear if she screamed cause she was too embarrassed/scared, etc.

Please don't think I am mad at you. I am just so angry this happened to you. They deserve to be punished.

Are you in counseling? If you need a friend I am here for you. *HUGER HUGZ*

I had only ever met the one - the other ones I didn't know and I honestly don't think I could identify them. It was REALLY dark and I was so scared. I thought I saw him once last summer when I was out with my son but it was fast and I'm not positive. I doubt the name he gave me was real. I am in therapy but we don't discuss it. I just can't. I feel incredibly guilty for NOT reporting it - the thought that any of them may have done this again makes me so sick - but I can't do anything about it now.
Thank you for being so nice about it - I feel like an idiot for putting myself in a situation that was just plain ignorant and dangerous. I not only put myself in danger but my child as well by being so irresponsible that it was possible that he could have been taken away from me - and that I could have been hurt more than I was - or even killed and then he would have been alone again. I'm just trying to deal with it the best I can - I am fairly sure my anxiety issues stem from this and I can't sleep at all anymore - I wake up after only 20 - 30 minutes of sleep over and over so I get maybe a fragmented 2 - 3 hours a night. Even sleeping aids don't seem to help very much - there is one that does work for me but of course my insurance will not cover it. The lack of sleep makes the BiPolar and the anxiety/panic worse so it's an unrelenting cycle.