Hello wonderful chicks/roosters,

I'm not even sure what I want to convey in this message, maybe an update?

It started when I went to see a friend today that I last saw, in person, when I was 140lbs. We've talked on MSN a lot but today's the first time I've seen him since...well, awhile. But I weighed 140lbs at the time (I know roughly when we last met up).

Anyway, he sees me and says *You look...a lot skinnier, actually!*

Me- *Yeah, I've lost nearly a stone since you last saw me* (to US people-thats 14lbs)(I was 127.3lbs this morning)

Him-*Yeah...well you don't look..you look skinny but not quite underweight, sort of...healthy ish!*

Then we talked about other stuff.

I found this innocuous and outwardly quite flattering compliment quite triggering. I don't want to look healthy I want to look Special, ie Very Thin.

This is mindrot. SOMEONE shake me??

HOW do I get motivated for HEALTH?!?

Not feeling too wonderful today anyway, I've had to up my anti epileptic drug dosage and it always makes me feel a bit strange for a few days :-S

emily
xxx

Hey Cousin,

I know you have seen a therapist in the past, at least, so perhaps you have some insight into WHERE the idea that being Very Thin makes you Special comes from...?

Hate to sound mean, but you won't be Special.

None of us is special. Unique, yes--special, no.

So, given that you'll never be special, healthy is kind of a nice second choice. Well, give it a minute to let it sink in...

Emily! Quit with the doggone ED thought patterns already!

Well, that's about as harsh as I can get... Chill out, Cousin. Stay with a proper eating plan. Take it easy!

Jay

I'm under the impression that it's near impossible to rid yourself of the ED mindset even if your habits change. Psychiatrists never fixed me, either - it was interesting to visit them and talk about my ED and other random things regarding my life, but it really didn't do anything for my ED. I still have the mindset (albeit much less so!) and I always will have some of my old ED traits, like always believing I could be thinner no matter how thin I could ever get in reality. I'd love to be very thin, but it just won't happen naturally and I'm tired of torturing my body to be there.

WHILE SAYING THAT... healthy is a good thing! Tuning out the ED voice is something that just takes time. You will feel so much better emotionally (which will also transfer to physically sometime) once you get rid of all these crazy thoughts weighing you down... or more rationally, once you are able to put these thoughts in the background and realize they're completely ridiculous. Perhaps one day, CRAZY as it sounds, you will be happy with yourself. You will never see that day if you keep thinking ED thoughts.

EMILY ~ do you think that by SPECIAL you mean, "GASP ... OMG ... are you every thin, girl!" Wouldn't, "WOW, you look hot, girl" be just as rewarding? At 5'7" inches tall, you don't likely NEED to lose any more weight.

Imagine, if someone looked at me (the other end of the spectrum); and said, "WOW ... doesn't she look special, with all that extra fat and all?" NO, that's not what they say; they say" OMG, did you see how fat that woman is?" And if you go too low, they will say something similar about you, only insert the word thin or skinny for fat ...

Is it a special kind of LOVE that you are seeking; OR a special kind of ATTENTION, maybe; this might have come out in your therapy???? Do you think that losing weight or being very thin will change your life in some way?

After I lost lots of weight before, I learned that being thinner didn't make me feel special; it didn't make me more successful; it didn't make my family treat me better; it didn't bring MR. RIGHT along; it didn't make me feel more loved; and, it didn't make my dreams come true!

I finally realized that only I could make all those things happen; it wasn't the weight; that was a misconception, on my part (one of which society likes to fill our heads with). I did feel freer in some ways, and way more comfortable than I do now. That's why I want to "GET HEALTHY" again.

I know that I have used food to comfort myself and to give myself some lovin'; maybe it's the same for those who purposely eat too little. I wonder why we feel so deprived of love; do we not get enuff love in our lives now? Maybe we can find some other ways to feel good about ourselves.

Don't know if this helps you; just some thoughts about your thoughts; and many of my own. This is kinda like self-therapy; it sure makes you think.

JAYELL ~ you are right; and you have a wonderful way with words; sometimes, unhealthy thoughts jump into our heads; and we must say, "CANCEL, CANCEL ... get out of my head, already!" ROSEBUD

Oh, Emily, you poor thing. I don't have much in the way of constructive advice (there's nothing special about being thin, thin is just thin, there is on the other hand, something special about being kind, about being loving, about being gracious and generous, about being intelligent and hard working; healthy isn't a euphemism for 'fat', healthy means that you look really good and, ideally, feel really good too, with healthy hair and skin and a beautiful body, etc etc) BUT I do want to congratulate you on *recognizing* the trigger and also recognizing that your mental processes are screwed up, or rather, 'mind rot'. That's a good first step.

I've never had these kinds of feelings, but it seems to me that it's largely a matter of PRACTICING drowning out your irrational feelings with good, strong, solid reason. You *know* you're thinking crazily; you just have to practice drowning out the crazy with the sensible.

I wish you so much luck. You deserve to feel good about yourself no matter your weight. Weight really has no role to play in your value as a human being...

Hey CRC
Maybe I'm wrong but I think most people are pretty self-concerned. They aren't really evaluating you the way you are hoping they are, to give you the reward you seek of being seen as special. They're all preoccupied thinking everyone is is looking at THEM!!
You can always borrow my trick though, *wear mismatched socks.*

jo

LOVE those socks, mouse!

Jay

baffled is right. "Healthy" doesn't mean "fat" in most people's minds; "healthy" often (from most people I've known) means thin but not breakable. Sometimes, it also means not thin or fat, but rather fit and lean. In my thin days, some people would say I looked "healthy" and I frequently heard "perfect" (HOW much BETTER can you hear than THAT??!!!?!) but my F**KED UP ED mind told me, "they're saying you look fat, but they're being polite about it!"

Yeah

That's right! It's not logical! That's why it's a mental illness! If you could think your way out of it, you would have.

But, you can still use your mind to help yourself move away from it--cognitive approach--you're already using it--you recognize the thoughts when they happen and see them for what they are. That takes away some of their power.

Do you know why you got the C in the drama program? Curious. Not an error, I assume? Something odd must have happened...

At any rate, if you are feeling awful because psychology is a second choice that makes you feel so bleak, you could always look into drama again. Don't tell me you are going to get a little thing like a C put you off... if it's something you love... Better to do something you love, I think--if you can.

Jay

OK KIDDO, cause it's all I got! I can't help you with your ED...but I do know your Creator created you SPECIAL in a way that is GOOD for you...you have help here...it is obvious that your family and boyfriend care for you...I know it doesn't fix things...but...focus on their help for you...to get you through the tough days...and we are always here for you...you know that! So here ya go dear...I am SHAKING YOU!!



WITH PRAYERS!

You're a beautiful person. We want you here for many, many years and the only way to have that is to eat right, exercise and keep your inside as healthy as your outside. Your organs will thank you for it!

Thank you so much for all shaking, encouragement and other support <3

emily
xxx