Well, I don't even know where would be an appropriate place to begin...so, here goes nothing:

This weekend started out pretty ****ty. My family and I went on a little weekend-trip...one of my best friends was orginally planning on going with us, but of course with my luck, she couldn't come. Truth be told, I don't think she wanted to come to begin with. That's how it is; I don't have any real friends it seems. So, that was a real bummer and more or less put me in a crummy mood...and it gets worse...
We left Thursday afternoon, anticipating a four or five hour drive. Naturally we were running behind schedule, so I didn't end up eating (yay) until about 7 or 8 o'clock at night. Considering I hadn't eate all day long, I allowed myself a little more food than I normally would've...a big no, no on my part. But really, it wasn't THAT bad...
We didn't arrive at the casino resort until about mid-night, and beforehand we had stopped at a local grocery store and picked up a few items for breakfast. And after eating alllll that food, I had about 3 or 4 doughnuts :Z!! And it gets even worse!....
I resolved that the next day (Friday), I would only allot myself 500 or 600 calories (I typically allot myself 7-800). I did exceptionally well until about 4 o'clock when our family decided to grab an early dinner at a buffet. I was able to somewhat control myself then; I had some pasta and a little slice of cake and frozen yougurt. Normally that would've been herrendous, but considering that was all I was going to be eating that day, it wasn't that all that terrible....+, I assumed we'd be walking around a lot, and I knew that I'd be going swimming later on that night...
Well, we went out and explored the area a little bit: went shopping, etc., etc. Suddenly, me being the big pig that I am, I got a hankering for a cheeseburger, and when we arrived back at the hotel, I consumed TWO double-cheeseburgers from burker king...Oh, and it gets even worse...
Later that night while my dad was out, my mom, my siblings and I went to a nearby Wal-Mart, and I picked myself up a banana-cream pie...and ate a pretty large fraction of that...
THEN, the next day (Saturday), I ate some more of the pie in the morning and decided that I wouldn't eat for the remainder of the day. I was apalled at myself, but I figured that if I could control myself for the rest of the day, I'd be alright. That morning, I spent 40 minutes on the treadmill and burned 400 of the 78468573 calories I'd consumed for the past two days. Afterwards, I went swimming with my younger siblings, and after all that exercise, I felt a little bit better. Surprisingly, I was even a little hungry...
But of course later that day, I'd consumed a bean and rice burrito with lettuce and sour cream, more of the pie and a whole bottle of root beer. At that point, I gave up on estimating the number of calories I'd consumed, because the truth is, I was too terrified to even know.
Oh, and after that, I had mor eof the pie...I even awakened at 4 o'clock in the morning (because my 'rents were arguing over money and such, naturally), and ate even MORE of the pie..until about 2/3 of it.
This morning, I again, resolved not to eat anything for the bext couple of days, but on the way home, we stopped at one of my favorite Mexican restaurants (and I'm a sucker for Mexican food), and I had a whole bean&cheese burrito and a side order of refried beans with cheese and rice...yeah...
So now I'm sitting here at home, regretting even having gone. And throughout this whole food extravaganza, I've taken about 10 or 12 laxatives which have yet to work...well, except for a little bit (lol, of ya'll get what I'm saying). While I was at the hotel, I tried throwing up, but of course, I wasn't able to (I've neverrrrr been able to force myself to throw up; I'm assuming I've a very strong stomach). I was so upset about that, that I tried cutting my fat stomach with a pair of tweezers...another failure.
UGHHHHHHHHHHHH. I'm sorry this rant is so long and so pathetic and so trivial...I'm just so angry with myself. I hate myself so much; I just want to die. I can't believe I threw a month and a half or work down the drain in a single weekend. I don't know what to do or how to get rid of the damn food and calories floating around in my disgusting body...
(Everytime I go on vacation, I always do this...It's so so so frustrating).
I'm going to fast for the next two or three days. Now that I'm home, I'll better be able to control myself in regards to food consumption and whatnot...
So yeah, I don't know what else to rant and rave about, other than the fact that I'm a big, disgusting pig. I haven't felt this bad since befor emy hsopitalization (for those of you who don't know, I was hospitalzied a couple of months ago for depression, cutting and my ED). God, I feel ashamed admitting I have an etaing problem, certrainly when I'm as large as I am...saying that I've an eating disorder is a friggin' joke.




I just want to die :<
I've been fantasizing about cutting my own fat out.
Ridiculous, I know.
But I'm just really f*cked up right now.

First of all, I'm sorry you had such a crap holiday, and hope you're feeling better.

But let's be clear.... 123 pounds is NOT fat, big, large, or even plump. Honestly, I know it's easier said than done, but you have GOT to give up on weight loss (which isn't even recommended at your height and weight), and focus on learning to eat like a normal healthy person. Don't give up on your therapy. Good luck to you.

Sounds like you have a much bigger problem here than food. You are eating a ridiculously low amount of calories. You are trying to make yourself throw up. You are ODing on laxatives. You are starving yourself. This isn't dieting. This isn't healthy. This isn't normal. You most definitely need help before this gets farther out of control. Talk to a doctor about how you are feeling as soon as humanly possible. Get a referral to someone who can help. None of us want to see you hurt yourself this way.

Thanks. And sadly, you're not telling me anything that I'm not already aware of. I've been hospitalized for self-injurous behavior and emotional issues, I've gone through 3 or 4 therapists....But finally, I've found both a psychologist and psychiatrist that are both excellent. While it may not seem this way,I've made a great deal of progress ove rthe past couple of months. It's just so difficult to deal with this food garbage...UGH.


Thanks for the support :>

Nothing said here is going to replace information and support you get from people who know you and your situation a lot better than any of us can, but sometimes it helps to read your thoughts on paper (or screen) and imagine that it was written by someone else. Someone you love and respect. What advice would you give this person (if you didn't know it was you).

I've found that people, even in the midst of deep depression and dispair, and irrational thoughts are much kinder and give better advice to others than they do themselves.

Take care

I am glad you are getting help, and aware of the problem. Those are important steps. It's great that you are making progress. Keep it up, and remember you have a ridiculous amount of support here!