Hi All,

I am a 52 year old woman from New Jersey and I have been counting calories for about two weeks now.

I have been fat for most of my life the earliest memory I have of it being a problem is when my parents took me to the doctor to see if there was something wrong with me! The real problem was that in my home (which, don't get me wrong, was VERY loving and happy) was that food was used as a reward! Needless to say, I now look to food for everything, which is problem number 1. But that is a thing of the past!

Problem number 2 is with my partner. She is also on the heavy side, although not as heavy as I am and although she says she wants to lose weight, I feel as though she is fighting me every step of the way! We are counting calories and every night ~ no matter how tired I am ~ I make a menu plan, make our lunches to take to work, do all the pre-preparation for dinner, set up breakfast, etc. as well as plan our exercise for the next day. Despite this, I find that over the last week she has been getting more and more angry ~ like its my fault she isn't loosing weight as fast as she would like! !!!!! Now, I am soooooo stoked to lose weight and finding this website was the best thing that ever happened to me becasue I have the very strong feeling that I'll get encouragement here, I need some ideas on how to handle my partner. Any thoughts???

Sorry to sound like a whinny baby, but I'm afraid that this is going to undermine my new found resolve to get healthy! Also, to prove that I am not a total baby:

Some really positive things in my life include being with my partner (going on 23 years), everything else in our lives is GREAT!!! We own a beautiful home and have wonderful lives. I also have a wonderful family including a brilliant 11 year old nephew and a 7 year old niece who thinks that she's 17 and is quite a handful for my darling brother. My golden retreiver, Sophie, loves me the best (and of course unconditionally!!!!) and I have every imaginable product, including a state of the art sewing/embroidery machine to feed my favorite past time, quilting. Phew! I guess my life's pretty good and I just needed to blow off some steam. Anyway, I hope I find some friends here and that someone has some ideas on how to handle my partner.



Thanks to everyone (anyone) that reads this post and just gives me even a "Hi!"

TTFN,

Deb

Debbie – Welcome to 3FC! It sounds like you are really starting off on the right foot and there are so many positive things going for you in your life right now. I for one find that it is so much easier to stay on plan when I am feeling positive about life. One of the reasons I always had trouble losing weight in the past was that all my motivation was negative (the “I hate myself because I am fat” variety rather than “I want to get healthy because I love myself” kind).

Regarding your partner, that is tough. Just because you are ready to lose doesn’t mean that she is even though she says so. The other thing that strikes me from what you said was that she might have very unrealistic expectations on how fast she should be losing. Did you say you have only been on this regimen for 2 weeks? Many people see shows like the Biggest Loser and think they can also lose 10 pounds a week. Well, maybe if you work out for 8 hours a day you can, but the rest of the world isn’t going to lose that fast. Of course people who weigh more may lose quicker to start with, but average healthy weight loss really is 1-2 pounds per week. Your partner may have to dial down her expectations.

Can you help her talk through exactly why she is angry? Losing weight can bring so many emotions to the surface. I know I have had major issues with entitlement (i.e. how come so and so can eat 3 pizzas and not gain an ounce and I think about ice cream and gain 5 pounds). Sometimes it seems so unfair that it makes me so angry. But, I can’t change my body type, so unless I start doing the 8 hours a day of exercise (which isn’t going to happen) then I have to moderate my calories.

Nancy ~ Thanks! You have some really great ideas! I think that she may be expecting to loose faster then is humanly possible!

BTW WOW CONGRATULATIONS! on your weight loss so far. FANTASTIC!!!!

And thanks so much for responding to my post. I was feeling very isolated.

Debbie - Thanks - but wait til you see people like Wyllen, Zelma and Ammi (to name just a very few)! My loss is good but it would be great except I have been stalled out for the past 6 months. I have been going through a breakup and have just finally found an apartment so that I can move out. It has been so stressful that I have found staying on plan to be really difficult. It isn't a great excuse, but I guess at least I have been maintaining for the most part.

I also welcome you to post in either of the numbered threads - that is where the real action happens.

Sorry to hear about the breakup, but if its stressing you out, its great that your getting out! Congratulations on the new apartment and I'm sure you'll get right back on track ~ and you should congratulate yourself on just maintaining in such a stressful situation!!!

Hey Deb,

I agree with what Nancy said, and I would just add this: The two of you don't have to go at the same pace. I've had friends who were a couple try to quit smoking at the same time, and they nearly killed each other. Maybe the plan that's working for you is too radical a change for your partner--maybe if she went about changing habits a little more gradually, she wouldn't be so angry.

Of course, I'm TOTALLY just speculating; without knowing either of you, I could be completely wrong. But changing long-standing habits is a hard, hard thing, and each of us has to go at the pace that's right for us. Just a thought.

Good luck and welcome--check out the 300+ general chat thread and/or the Old Hens thread; they're both for general discussion.

Hello and welcome! I wish you lots of success in your health plan and weight loss!!

Hi and Welcome!! I somehow missed this thread earlier...

I can speak to this issue. When I started I weighed 295 and my husband around 260. When I decided to do something about my weight, he was threatened at first and really didn't want anything to do with it. In the past, I had always wanted him to be a part of my journey, but he was NOT cooperative. This time, I told him I didn't want him to do it (a bit of reverse psychology? I don't know).

So, the first 3 or so months were a real struggle. He's threatened because I've made a lifestyle change, but he hasn't. I'm frustrated because in some ways he's thwarting my attempts. But, I soldiered on and lost weight steadily (a couple of pounds a week).

After several months, I comment that I LOVE the food I'm eating... he decides to try to lose weight too... I said, "Don't do it for me, do it for you." I think he lasted a day. My plan of writing down all my food was overwhelming to him. He gave up.

Another month went by and he decided to try again. This time, he was much more resolved and focused and we really started working together. Things got MUCH easier for me -- he wanted to start exercise and we joined a gym. Our meals became healthier, etc.

However, one thing I have learned is that both of us have different approaches. I am more successful when I write things down. He still hates to do it. I do the majority of the meal planning, and he really relies on me to do that. BUT, if I get toooo controlling on him, he shakes me off, does things his way (and gains).

About 6 months ago he started travelling for work 3-4 days each week. I tried to do for him what I would do for me: plan plan plan. Bring extra food, etc. I packed him tons of healthy food... and he rebelled a bit. I have had to back off and let him be in more control... even though it meant watching him gain back 25 of the 70 pounds he'd lose!

For him to be successful, we have to communicate about what each of us wants better. I have to learn to back off and let him be his own guide in this journey. He has learned that he does better when he does listen to me and let me help... but that impetus has to come from him... He's back on track for now (more or less) and I am still willing to help him, but have to let him tell me what HE wants to do, rather than doing it the way I want to do.

I don't know how much of this resonates with your situation. It's not easy, because what works for each of us is a little different. But I guess it's like so much else in a relationship: you need to communicate. For us, it's an evolving process.

Sounds exactly like my partner, thanks for the insight. I think this may be the answer. I'll do my thing, write the plan and if she follows it, great, if not, well, I'm still on track, right? Anyway thanks for the GREAT support. I have found an incredible amount of resolve from this forum.

Welcome to 3FC! Congrats on losing so far! 5 pounds in 2 weeks is awesome and perfectly in the healthy weight loss range.

I would encourage your partner to join us here as well! I wasn't dedicated to losing weight until I found 3FC. It can be life changing if you let it! You'll both find wonderful people with awesome lives and stories to share with you! Sit down together and look at the before/after pics, people's tickers, etc. There's so much here to motivate you and keep you motivated on your down days!

Here's a belated welcome! Good work on the 14 pounds you've lost so far! All I can say is work on you and offer encouragement to your partner if she wants it and if she doesn't - she isn't ready and that's that. My partner smokes and he always talks about quitting, but doesn't REALLY want to - I figured out that I was more of a problem than a help when I was trying to be encouraging and helpful. It caused a lot of friction. So now when he's ready he's ready and he won't quit until he is. All I can control is me - as much as I would like to run the world :-)