Not sure where this belongs but for what its worth...

I am a returning student in my early 30s. After a marriage gone bust, I decided to go back to school to pick up the pieces and work at becoming something in my life. I met this prof who is about the same age as me, and exceeding caring and compassionate. Needless to say, I developed a gigantic crush on him. Naturally, since I was still a student, I had to watch what I said / did and we only had our personal conversations in private.

Before anyone suspects I received an easy 'A' in the class - he was actually harder on me than he was on the other students and I ended up with a C+ in that class (although I have 3.4 cumulative GPA!) I have complained about the unfairness of his tougher grading for me and his response was that he 'expected more from me' and 'don't discuss my grading with me'. That was that.

We do talk quite a bit (usually online as I'm cowed by him in person), even though I've long since left his class. However, I'm still a student at the University (scheduled to graduate next year). Today, we were discussing the issue of weight loss and healthy diets and he asked if I'd be interested in going on the Atkins' diet with him. We were to be 'diet buddies' since he believed that going this alone would be difficult. I agreed. Then the conversation rolled over to our personal life and I spilled my guts out to him. At the end, I asked him something about HIS life and his response was "I only discuss some aspects of my personal life with my peers!"

Ok, is it just me or is this INCREDIBLY rude? All of a sudden, I'm just a lowly student and not a "peer"? I am good enough to hold him accountable for his DIET but not good enough to hear about his personal life? Needless to say, I found this so insulting and felt very lowdown and cheap.

I told him as much as his response was "Now don't go and have some sugar using this for an excuse! :-)" Judging by that smiley face, I suppose he thought that it was a great joke.

Well, whatever.

I know the answer already but hearing it from all of you - a bunch of neutral onlookers with no stake in this - will probably be the much needed kick in the pants. Please, tell me I'm a fool and that I need to get some self respect.

PLEASE.

Signed,

Tearful Fatty.

I think he sounds like a jackass and you could spend your time better with anyone else other than him. Sounds like he has been on a power trip over you, and it's better to find out sooner than later.

Hang in there, and no matter how other people have made you feel only you can convince yourself that you deserve better (trust me i've been working on this to no avail myself). I won't say you're a fool, I think he gets to take that role.

Thanks, Lizzi. So I am not over-reacting? Ever since my marriage ended, I've been hyperventile and I was afraid that I am being over sensitive.

I've since posted on the support forum, too. Thanks for alerting me to that! I guess it's hard to actually quit taking other people's crap because my self esteem is non-existent. Maybe I should visit a therapist more often than the gym!

This is actually a better place than the Support forum since the topic is not directly related to weight loss questions.

SugarFree, professors aren't smarter than other people or nicer than other people. This one sounds like a real jerk and he's been playing with you. Walk away and don't look back. Chalk it up to experience.

Hope you feel better!

Jay

He's definitely sending out mixed signals, and inappropriate ones. It sounds like he's trying to have his cake and eat it too. Professor/student relationships can be hard to resist on both sides, but he knows he could lose his job if a relationship were to develop while you're still a student. But, since he likes the attention, so he's trying to let you "run with it," while being able to convince himself (and the university administration if needed - as they could access the contents of his emails if he were investigated) that he didn't "encourage" you.

You're not over-reacting. He's loving the ego-stroking, and he's trying to obey the "letter of the law" and rules against dating students while breaking it them in spirit so he can have the benefits without the risks.

It soooo weird. I really thought you were my friend.. haha she is going through the SAME thing... has a huge crush on her teacher, they spend time after class dicussing stuff, they have an "online relationship" and he grades her harder than the rest of the class ( but she likes it) the only reason I knew it wasnt her is because of the whole diet thing, lets just put it that way. I think these "forbidden" relationships are doomed from the beginning because the teacher can in fact lose his/her job so I agree with the others that he *is* intimate with you in ways but then feels like if he ever had to defend himself he would be able too. Ugh.. men..

Oh yeah, he sounds like an egomaniac to me as well. But I don't think you're a fool for being attracted to him (after all, we unfortunately can't control who we like), because it would be very flattering for you as well to have the smart authority figure interested in you. I'll only think you're a fool if you continue to let someone treat you badly when you know that it's wrong! You CAN do better, and you DESERVE better.

You're not a fool, but you were likely vulnerable after your marriage ended, which made you an easy target for this guy. He sounds like a pompous ***. I'd kick him to the curb - remember people will treat you as badly as you let them.

SugarFree,

I was in a situation that was almost identical to what you describe. After reading your post, I agree with the earlier poster that the professor is playing a power game. It sounds like he enjoys giving you a little attention and leading you on. One moment, you're close and talking like confidants, then next he's distant.

In my case, the professor was pulling this exact stunt on me and three other students. I don't know why returning students seem to be the preferred target or why this is so prevalent in the college system.

My advice? RUN! This guy isn't your friend or part of your support system and you deserve so much more!

In my case, it took me a week or so to realize how much time and energy I wasted on the professor after I started dating my husband. When you find a true friend and someone worthy of a relationship, there are no boundries about what can and can't be asked, rules (only private or online conversations), or any other "strings" attached.

Sorry if this went long. Ultimately, you'll do what makes sense for you. Good luck.

Thank you, Kylie.

This has been a draining emotional roller coaster. I agree with you that there are no real boundary issues here. I would never have dreamed of taking advantage of our "friendship" or asking for an easy grade. I work very hard and while not a straight 'A' student, I am nonetheless a hard worker and have managed to keep mostly As and Bs on my transcript (have a total of 2 Cs out of all the courses I've ever taken over the past three years at this institution).

It's strange that you mention the multiple student situation. Something happened during this past week that sent little red flags fluttering in my head. I also happened to receive an email from him this morning that made me go "WTH?". I can't share the complete details here (no idea who could find this post) but suffice it to say that I now have a very strong feeling that mine is NOT the only head that he is messing with. I am very humiliated and very hurt by his "you are not my peer" comment. He led me to believe that he thought highly of me until now.

I am very depressed right now. I need a good cry but the tears won't come. Isn't it ironic how when you are most emotional the tears refuse to come? I feel like I'm breaking into pieces right now. I can't believe how in over my head I was with this man and how vulnerable I have become where he's concerned.

How I wish I could just cry and get it over with.

Hey, SugarFree,

If you've seen other posts from me, I try not to give a whole lot of "you should really do THIS" advice on the board because everyone's situation is different. However, your post had so many similarities to my experience I wanted to share in the hopes that some aspect might help.

What troubles me the most is your comment about feeling humiliated! Girlfriend, there's no reason for that. It's important to recognize that you're dealing with someone who, in all likelihood from what you describe, seeks out people who are vulnerable.

I certainly was at the time. I wasted a lot of time feeling like you describe (close, confidants, etc.) and I thought that once I had done something (fill in the blank: gotten out of the class, graduated, etc.) we would actually have a relationship. In my case, it never went beyond the "come here, come here, get away, get away" thing.

At this point, I wouldn't worry so much about tears. I would suggest getting involved with a new class, new hobby, anything where you're connecting with other people. That was something I didn't do and I think that it was one reason why I continued with him for about two years.

Take care. Feel free to PM me and let me know how you're doing.

K.

Kylie, I just pm-ed you.

The fact that he is a professor....well let's not hold that against him...meaning he is not "above" you or anyone else...it is just his job...and he sounds like he falls into the category of socially challenged....you are vulnerable, you need to surround yourself with good honest people...get away from this guy and listen to your gut and heart...cause I am sure no one is saying a thing you haven't already though of.

Take care.

Liz