Hi everyone, and thanks for taking the time to read my post. I am having some trouble, and I don't know where to turn, really. I apologize for the length of this post, but I really need to get this out there.

In late December 2006, I accepted my very first full-time job out of college. My plan was to start working in January and finish my MS thesis while working, and I would officially graduate in May. I had sort of let myself go last fall, gaining back all of the weight I'd worked so hard to lose in the first part of 2006. I had a great plan to come back after christmas and get started working, get on a great new schedule with exercising and eating properly, and get back on track. BUT, it took 3 months for my background check to get finished, so instead, I have been unemployed since January. Being unemployed has caused a variety of problems, but one of the byproducts has been that I've had to eat on the cheap since the first of the year. And I've not been able to join a gym. I realize that I can go out and run anywhere, I don't need to be a member of a gym. But, for me, I get a lot of motivation by becoming a member at a facility, where I can take classes and mix up my routine.

Right after christmas, my mom and I went shopping, and I bought a bunch of clothes to wear for my new job. Now, I've finally got a start date (I start on Monday!), and the clothes that I bought are now too tight. I was so proud of my new clothes when I bought them. I was so excited to have a real job where I could dress up and look nice everyday.

Now I just feel incredibly foolish and guilty. I have been diagnosed with depression, and I have been taking Lexapro. The Lexapro helps, but with the unemployment, I have not been able to afford my meds. So, I've been off meds for about 3 months now. I know that it's my depression talking, but I feel like I've failed in so many ways (many of which aren't even touched here), and that is making it so difficult to see this situation in a positive light. I feel like I am sitting at the brink of a real pit of despair, and I don't want to jump in, but my body/brain is throwing me over the ledge anyway.

Do you ever feel like you're not worth it? If so, how do you change your mind? That seems to be my biggest problem right now. I feel worthless, even to myself.

Today is Friday. You start the job Monday. You've already DONE the hard work, the waiting and the education. You can hang on two more days. You can do this.

(Can you borrow cash from your mom to renew the Lexapro?)

Well, Tiger girl, it's time to show a little spunk and put that college degree to work for you. Like MariaMaria said, you've made it through the rough part, and it'll be a piece of cake from here on in comparison. Imagine how you'll feel when you have that first paycheck in your hand! Imagine what it'll be like to be ABLE to join a gym if you feel like it, buy new clothes if you need them, go on a nice trip with your friends or maybe co-workers if the opportunity arises! YOU'VE got a Jay-oh-bee!!!!!! And THAT'S an accomplishment in and of itself! Do you know how many people are out there knocking on doors right about now?

Spend this weekend inventorying your clothes, and see if you can't put together some decent outfits for the time being - just until you lose the weight and your new stuff fits, I mean - remember: accessorize, accessorize, accessorize! Simple skirts and tops or slacks and tops can look great with a scarf, some dangly earrings, a nice cuff bracelet. Look through your mother's costume jewelry and see what she could loan you. Borrow from friends - cousins - the lady next door Attack this *problem* with as much determination as you went about your classes! Make this your big weekend project! Wash stuff! Iron stuff! Try different stuff together! Stay busy! Tire yourself out, sleep well, and get up Monday morning and you go WOW those people, you hear???

That's your assignment from Auntie Ella. Now get busy!

TTFN

Ella

Hi and

Congratulations on the new job WTG !!!!!!!

Is there any way your doc can give you samples of the meds, some times they will do that. Yes I do feel at times I'm not worth it so you need to keep telling yourself you ARE worth it....because if you don't, who else will ????

WE will, Leenie, and you ARE!

Thank you all so much. You're all right. I do have a lot to be thankful for. I do have a job now, and it's finally going to start in 2 days! I do have some clothes that I can wear there for the time being. I am healthy (relatively speaking, at least), and I have great friends and family who care about me. Thank you for helping me catch my perspective before it got too far out the door.

I borrowed some money from a friend and got my Lexapro halfway re-filled today. By the time I need more, I will have had one paycheck. As much as I'd like to believe that I'm getting over depression on my own, it's times like these that remind me how much I need to keep taking my meds. When I've been good about taking my meds, I'm not nearly as likely to lose perspective like this.

Finally, congratulations to you all. You know how you read certain threads and hear people helping other people out and you think how nice they are and how caring and how you wish you could be more like them (at least I do!)? Well, you all were that for me today. Thanks so much for being so great!

I'm so glad you got some meds, its gonna help you go into that job more confident. Remember, chin up.... you are beautiful.

Let us know how your first day goes when you get a chance