Visiting with my family tomorrow... I've lost 10 lbs so far, but I know they aren't going to see it. They're of the "excess fat means laziness" breed, and the last time they saw me I ended up with an "intervention" email from my sister about my weight -- even though I had already started my lifestyle changes. I'm ashamed to see them now that I know what they think of me...and frustrated because I want to feel beautiful and love myself.

And, of course, stressing means that I start to second guess myself. Two days ago, I was thrilled because I knocked down those first ten pounds; now, I'm feeling frustrated. The biggest question on my mind: what if those ten pounds were just water weight? Or it was a fluke, or muscle, or, or, or...

Augh.

The old me would have scarfed down some ice cream. The true me is "savouring" half a vanilla fibre tablet and wondering how I can learn to stop being so hard on myself.

I'm not sure what I'm really asking here, but any advice will be happily accepted. Thanks, everyone. Sigh...

Methinks it's natural to be "up" some days and down others. Consistent good cheer and grins tends to suggest (to me) that you're wouldn't be much of a thinker. After all, you're facing a rather unpleasant situation. I suppose it would be nice if you just didn't give a hoot about how you looked, but you do - otherwise you wouldn't have changed your lifestyle - so there's bound to be some pre-visit stress. I can only tell you that you probably ought to spend as little time stressing over it as you possibly can. Read a good book (that always takes me away), soak in a hot, bubbly tub, listen to some soothing music...whatever mellows you out.

As for WHAT you lost - water, fat, muscle, your last few bags of potato chips and last few slices of pizza - what do you care WHAT it is, so long as you're not carrying it around anymore? It's GONE! YAY!

AND, don't worry about what they notice or don't notice. It's YOUR body, girl!!! YOU'RE the one who has to be comfortable with it, not them! You should be *changing your lifestyle* because YOU haven't been happy with your weight - not because they weren't. Let them wory about their OWN bodies. Yours belongs to you!

But they're not evil people, really, and I'm sure their concern stems from how much they care about you. But, in this instance, YOU are the one who has to make choices for yourself, and they can't do an awful lot about it, except air their feelings. I agree that "thanks for your input" would suffice....or how about this? Thank you for caring so much. I love you, too. I'm working on it. I've lost ten pounds, although it might not be noticeable just yet". That's called open communication. It works!

The other thing you might think about doing is calling your sister and talking candidly with her about your feelings. Tell her that you've changed your eating habits, you've lost ten pounds, and plan to lose more, but you're feeling really uncomfortable about the visit, because you feel like the others will be judgmental. That way, you'll have a supportive ally, and won't have to face the crowd on your own at all!

Have a good day! Congrats on the 10 pounds!!!!

Ella

Good for you for losing 10 pounds. Sure some of that is probably water as I believe it normally is included with the first weight loss. But I'm sure a good portion of that was fat that has now vanished into thin air (no pun intended ).

I hope you dont mind if I take the other view regarding your sister and family. You seem so insulted that they think/say you're overweight yet you started out very close to 200 pounds. I dont mean to state the obvious, but I'm not sure why you surprised or mad that they think you're overweight and need to get healthier. There are dangerous medical conditions that often come with being overweight and I think we all know about those, including your family. IMHO, they're simply addressing a serious health concern related to their beloved sister/daughter. Why be resentful about the intervention? It seems like it really got you thinking.

I agree with Ella..maybe let your sister know you heard what she's saying and you're in the process of getting healthy. Then when you're visiting, you can eat healthy (NOT starve/not eat enough; more like turning down cake even if they're all having it because you have a weight problem and they dont) and they'll start to see how you've changed. Maybe go off for a walk as well (diet change without exercise really doesnt work that great in the long run). This will be GREAT motivation for you to stick to your plan.

Hey maalisse,

Ten pounds is AWESOME. Stick with your plan. It may not be enough for people to notice yet--often it has to be 15 pounds or so before the light goes on in other people's brains--but I agree with the other posters--YOU know you're doing it, and that's GREAT! Get through the visit. Maybe no one will even say anything about your weight. If anyone does, say, "Well, I've lost ten pounds so far and am still going," and end the discussion there.

One of my sisters made a point once of telling me about Sugar Busters in the guise of its having worked so well for her. Well, this sister has never had more than ten pounds to lose in her life, so it was pretty obvious what she was getting at. But I know I'm overweight and it's not good. She loves me no matter what, but I can see why she has been concerned.

Heard on Suze Orman's show--something one of her teachers told her--"You are a warrior and you are not to turn your back on the battle."

Good luck!
Jay

Maalisse -- I think it's great that you've lost 10 lbs. !!!

While it's hard to tell whether you've lost fat, muscle or water it does matter what you've lost. You don't want to lose muscle. Make sure to exercise to prevent this from happening. I'm sure you are 'cause the scale is movin' down!.

I lost about 20 lbs. 3 yrs. ago. (Aaahh, yeah I found them again ). No one noticed anything till at least 15 lbs. were off. My one brother noticed and complimented me a lot when I saw him at Christmas. But he's a body **** and I figured he would notice. My other brother and SIL are the most oblivious creatures I've ever met. If it doesn't directly affect them, they don't notice squat. Neither one of them ever said one word to me. Zilch, zip, nada. They didn't even notice the brazillian cherry hardwood floor we put in our hallway and dining room. BUT if we go to their house, we have to "oooo and aaahhh" over every little knick-knack and paddy-whack! I just chalk it up to numbness on their part.

Ignore your family's negativity as much as you can during your visit. They don't have to live in your body; you do. You're doing this for you, not for anyone else. And remember, your visit will last as long as it does but eventually you will return to your routine and your life. While your visiting, take some ubber walks, especially if their remarks are getting to you. Then again, maybe they'll surprise you -- ya never know w/family!! Good luck!

Jo

I agree with the others - your family is concerned about your weight, though it sounds like maybe they've addressed it kind of negatively with you. I would call ahead, not just to your sister, but your mother as well. Explain that you've made some lifestyle changes, and would appreciate their help during your visit, ie. healthy meals. If you do that, and they can see you making healthy choices, they should see no reason to address your weight directly during your visit. On the contrary, they may even notice that you've lost weight, and will certainly notice your commitment to your new lifestyle. Families can be stressful, but you can get through this!

Thanks, everyone, for the support!

I think my anxiety stems from the fact that I have a long history of not being "thin enough" for my family. Even as a hardcore athlete in my teen years, with such a low % body fat that my monthly cycles had stopped (sorry if that's too much info), I had comments made about me being pudgy. ...actually, typing that was just a wake-up call. Wow, how unreasonable. Why am I even worried about how they're judging me when their expectations are completely unrealistic? Heh, I think I just had a breakthrough moment... I have to be happy for myself, and stop trying to meet unreasonable expectations that others have of me!

I don't mind at all! In my little emotional burst, I didn't give the full story, so here is the rest of it: the intervention came a month AFTER I had started changing my diet/exercise (I had already told them how often I was working out and how I was tracking my nutrients and so on). That's why it hurt so much; the intervention email was a "we think you believe you're taking care of yourself, but you actually aren't" email. That relates to the whole "overweight = lazy" attitude I mentioned in my original post; they thought I was lying to myself about starting to lose weight. I couldn't believe it! I actually sent back a long email detailing the workouts I was doing (5 per week at that point), the meals I was eating (complete with caloric/nutritional breakdown). Since then, I've also started a dialogue with them about how they need to learn to trust me to take care of myself. I've been living away from home for ten years now, after all. Hopefully, it turns into something positive.

Man...I had no idea that losing weight could be so cathartic in so many areas (relationships, independence, etc.)

Thanks again, everyone, for letting me ramble. I swear, I'm normally not this much of a basket case...

One of the things that has helped me most in life is learning how to deal effectively with the expectations and opinions of others and allowing them to own them. They are not about ME, they are about their issues. I don't have to take them on as my stresses if I don't want to. KWIM? (I'm a big ol' codependent and have done quite a bit of recovery work over the last couple of years.)

The way I would respond to my family is to tell them "Thank you for sharing your feelings and concerns. I've got this." If they don't let up, I'd set a kind but firm boundary: "I am not going to discuss this with you anymore."

Gee, that sounds familiar! :P

Thanks for the suggestion. I will definitely do that.

My kneejerk reaction would be to send an "intervention" email to your sister about her fat-phobia and explain to her that her attitude puts her in danger of developing an eating disorder....but then I'm not known as the warm, fuzzy type when people annoy me

I agree with BeezKnees that you need to set some boundaries. How you manage your weight is none of their business, period. I think the worst thing you can do is try to justify to them what you are doing by sending them all the details of your weight loss efforts. It just validates their attitude that you have something to apologize for.

You are doing great with your weight loss, and WE recognize it even if your family is too blind to see it. Keep up the good work

Great job on the 10 lbs . You Go Girl!
As far as your family goes, I can so relate & have many many stories I can tell. It really makes me upset that what I am doing to better my health just makes them make me more upset. For example: my grandpa has a pot belly & eats bisscuts & gravy , & ice cream all the time but, he insists that " If I ate what he did then I would lose weight" or my grandma I bent over to tie my shoes and she said" WOW, Look @ that Big Ol' Pumpkin Butt you have!" that was said in front of my entire family @ a family reunion. I have also , been told " Geesh, you're getting fatter every time I see you!" I just wanna them! I know alot of it has to do with how they were rasied.
I have came back with some good & witty come backs that make them shut up!

~Jenn

P.S. Keep up the good work!