For the past 3 weeks I have been mini sabotaging myself every single day. Not enough to gain, just enough to slow things down to maintenance or a tiny loss. 200-500 calories above target every day. Which would be ok, if it werent accompanied by the sabotaging self-talk. Like last night I added up my food and I was ALREADY slightly over target and I went and ate icecream and I wasnt hungry, nor did I particularly desire it.

I have a real mental barrier about getting below 140, I am scared (?) to do it.

I'm also slacking on my physical therapy right when I am starting to see results.

WHY WHY WHY.

I've also been a bit blue the last 3 weeks and I am not sure which came first, the chicken or the egg. Depression or sabotage.

AND I have been waking up at 4 am every freaking day - not by choice. That is another depression chicken or egg thing.

Hey, ennay.

You're right--adding 200 to 500 cals over target will blow it for the day. In my case, I'd be gaining weight if I added 500.

It sounds like there are some deeper issues trying to surface. You said you are scared to get below 140 (with a question mark).

Maybe some journaling about this would help, if you're not already doing it. Suppose that you were scared--what might you be scared of? Just put down whatever comes into your head, whether you think it's true or not. And about the physical therapy--what might be making you slack off there?

When these sorts of things start to come up, it's often because there's a hidden payoff we're not completely aware of. Just some made up examples--one could be afraid of losing attention if one is completely healthy. One could be reluctant to be a lower weight because of unwanted "romantic" attention. Or it could be that the "child within" (so to speak) is really annoyed at having to get real and stop eating ice cream all the time. There are many possibilities, and only you can say for sure what's going on.

4 a.m. sounds like a good time to do some journaling or at least some thinking about these things.

Good luck! I hope today is a better day for you!

Jay

I think Jay has some good ideas.

I do the same thing with the ice cream. I was just thinking about adjusting my plan during the day to allow for ice cream after dinner. Not sure if that's a good idea or not...

I'm completely with you ennay. I can be doing GREAT - just perfectly fine with my diet, and then for no "apparent" reason, suddenly, revert back to old eating habits. I've tried journaling... trying to take specific notice of what I am feeling/doing/thinking at those moments... but nothing concrete is coming out of it.

I think, sometimes, I just really want the "bad food" even tho I know it's bad. Usually, when it hits me, is when I cannot exercise for whatever reason. While I'm exercising, I am very mindful & careful about my food intake. When I can't exercise, I just blow it.

Which probably explains why *I* cannot lose weight on diet alone! and also, that is something I am currently trying to master.

ennay~it sounds like you are going through what I went through over the holidays. And then it took me over 4 weeks to get back on the wagon. Sorry to hear you're feeling blue. It is probably due to your sabotage (IMO). I'm happy to say that now that I'm back on the wagon and the weight is coming off again that the skies are sunny! I'm so happy that the scales have turned. Good luck to you.

OMG - this is me. I haven't been below 140 in 8 years. I get to about 143 and think "Ok, time to start eating". I used to think it was because I look fine at 143 and start relaxing but I've thought about this a lot and I'm a bit scared to be honest. I don't know why but I think it's fair to say that I've never been slim as an adult. I believe that I really want to be but I back off it every time it might approach. I'm going to rely heavily on this site when the time approaches. Good luck. Try to stay on plan tomorrow and then take it one day at a time. This is a blip and you can get through it.

I understand how you feel. Sometimes I get into this "its not fair I cant eat whatever I want and not gain weight like some other people" attitude and then eat junk food on a binge. I havent done that in a while but I think that was a big road block for my weight loss in the past. Since then I keep telling myself, no its not fair, but regardless I'm healthier than someone who can eat whatever they want. That junk food is never good and being thin isnt everything. This is an overall health thing and you aren't doing it to punish yourself, you are doing it because you deserve to be healthy and happy and lieve a great life. I just keep telling myself that and trying to stay positive.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

It is definitely not a "its not fair" thing. Mostly because there is nothing off limits to me on this diet. There is no such thing as "bad food" in my world. (And one of the days I went way way over on very healthy stuff- just too much of it) And I think I have dealt with the man attention thing.

I think its closer to what Doughnut is saying. I think its that there is so much of my identity/thoughts/feelings/energy wrapped up in BEING overweight that I am not sure who I will be thin. I dont recognize myself as a potentially thin person. Who will I be? And what will I DO if I dont have weight to fall back on as an excuse? I've never been thin. I have tons of friends who talk about "getting back to what they weighed in highschool" or "getting back to what they weighed before kids". Well, I am already below both those numbers so I have ZERO frame of reference for living a thin life.

And being thin will prove me wrong all those times I defended being healthy and fat.

Yep. That's it exactly. I have never expressed this out loud before because I thought it sounded a bit nuts and that nobody would understand. I'm sorry that you're going through this right now but I have to say that the fact I'm not alone in this is a bit of a relief. I recommend that you go for just one pound or if you're not ready to do a few weeks of planned not sabotaged maintenance before going for it again.

Yeah thats why my goal for easter is 139. 1/2 lb per week.

Some really good insights here! Thanks for posting, ennay and all!

Jay

Woe, ennay, that's exactly what I'm going through - only it's the 150 mark that's getting me! Like you, I have no frame of reference of a skinny me. I've been at or above 150 since I was about 14. In my case I think subconsciously (sp?) I think I can't do it. Good luck to you - maybe we can both smash through our walls for Easter!