About a week ago, an evil supersmart cold virus invaded my head and the bugger is still with me. As such, I've had an opportunity to put a more mild comparison to real-life testing.
Do I feel better at 323 pounds and healthy or 289 pounds (-4 lbs water or muscle [sob] weight from the cold) and sick? Let's compare:
289 pounds and sick —
- I have a terrible cold.
- I'm exhausted all the time.
- So much so that I've taken some afternoon naps (stopped that habit right quick though, when I realized it just made me feel worse having all the snot pool in my head).
- The exhaustion in part stems from the fact that I'm sleeping horribly. No amount of drugs seems to clear my nasal passages for any length of time, so I wind up mouth-breathing and tossing and turning.
- I'm not eating what I think is best for me all the time. Rather than the tuna sandwich I feel would be "better for my body" I've had pb&j instead a few times. I made a frozen pizza last Sunday because it sounded comforting.
- My body is achy, my head is a painful mess of sore throat, ear canal pain, watery orifices and mucus like you wouldn't believe.
- My house is slowly becoming messy. I just don't feel like vacuuming and stuff, though I'm managing to keep the kitchen presentable.
- I'm not happy. I'm crabby and snippy.
- I'm also becoming prone to depressed thoughts and mindset. I found out today that a job I thought I had coming up (a $3k job mind you) was cancelled. I felt, still feeling, despair that I can't cut it, that I need to find different work, or go back to school, oh but I'll fail or I won't like it and why do I have to do it anyway whine whine.
- People treat me as if I have the plague. I don't blame them. I would too.
323 pounds and healthy —
- I have a stellar health record. I have amazing blood sugar. The blood donation ladies swoon over my perfect blood pressure. However, I'm about to have a huge wakeup call in the form of a gallstone scare. It will turn out I don't have them but the pain and the knowledge that "fat" is one of the major predictors of gallstones will jolt me.
- I'm tired all the time.
- So much so that I take afternoon naps regularly. They don't help. At all.
- The exhaustion in part stems from the fact that I'm sleeping horribly. I've always snored and I'm pretty sure at this weight I have sleep apnea. I toss and turn all night. 34 pounds lighter, I know I still don't sleep as well as I should, but it's better
- I'm not eating what's best for me like, ever.
- My body is achy whenever I am on my feet more than five minutes. I take breaks while washing dishes. When I go to the store, my back complains after a few minutes of walking or standing. I tire walking down my long driveway to the mailbox. I can't get much done not only from the tiredness, but also because I've let my core muscles become so very atrophied that they rebel at simply holding me up. 34 pounds later my muscles never complain at basic tasks and I look forward to building up endurance as spring comes and I get to work outside.
- My house is a mess. Not only am I too tired and too out of shape to clean for long, I can't seem to muster the motivation.
- I'm not happy. I'm crabby and snippy.
- I know that inside, I'm a happy person, but I can't seem to break through the constant sense of malaise that fogs my brain. It's very difficult to hold a normal conversation. I think my mind is muddled mainly from malnutrition; I have a horrible diet. The mere thought of attempting to overcome any obstacle sends me into a morose tailspin.
- People don't exactly treat me as if I have the plague. They generally don't treat me "as if" anything, because I'm invisible. If they acknowledge me or speak to me, they might catch fat. 34 pounds later and still morbidly obese, I'm sure this still happens. However, I just flip them a mental bird when it happens, because I know what's going on inside me. I know what I'm in the process of. I know that their judgement can't touch me.
The surprising result? Overall, I feel better -34 lb. and miserable with a cold than +34 lb. and healthy. While I hope I never get another cold again, if I do I look forward to feeling even better at -100 lb. and sick v. -34 lb. and healthy.
