With my diet somewhat figured out (and a few bumps along the road) I decided to take a good hard look at my exercise routine, or lack thereof.

When I said I bought those FIRM workouts I wasn’t 100% honest with you guys. I’ve never done aerobics, I’m an elliptical or treadmill person. And by myself, I always ended up doing something that resembles a techno-hula dance, spazzing away to the beat and never losing enough calories for it to be worth it. At least my HRM has always been honest with me.

My lifting routine, which I loved, had degraded to grabbing my equipment bag – which according to Continental Airlines weighs 48.7 pounds – and doing squats and running up and down my stairs with it. I stopped that once the old lady next door asked if I heard a ghost running around at dawn. Whoopsie.

In short, I needed to go to a gym. Looking around my area, all of the gyms were 100% testosterone. Imagine some guys’ garage, with a bunch of rusted or well used equipment, weights that look to be as old as I am, and a bunch of guys grunting like if they were in labor. The smell alone should require a HAZMAT suit and a Level 4 infectious disease clearance.

Luckily, there was a women’s gym two blocks away on the fourth floor of a building (no elevator, no handrails, it’s awesome). Now, the gym itself looks exactly like the guys version, only that there it is filled with women in spandex. The smell isn’t as bad. The concept of “camel toe” does not exist here, I was immediately uncomfortable.

And then it hit me, there are no cardio machines. No bikes, no treadmills, no ellipticals, nothing. When I met the fitness instructor Katy, I immediately asked her how do they do cardio. You’ve guessed it, aerobics (can I get a collective groan from my rhythm impaired sisters)! Oh boy.

But, first things first. My weigh in. It’s 4pm, I’m wearing my clothes and shoes, I’ve just drank half a liter of water, THIS ISN’T OFFICIAL! But, I’m curious. Four other women and Katy crowd around me to see how much I weigh. The following is the conversation verbatim (although translated).

SCALE: 92.6 kilos
Katy: Oh my god.
Me: (crap, 92.6 times 2.2) * the conversion to pounds*
Lady 1: That’s so fat!
Me: (hold on, how do I multiply decimals?)
Lady 2: I can’t believe it!
Me: (carry the 1….)
Katy: Have you always been this fat or this recent?
Lady 2: Have you ever seen a woman this fat?
Me: (okay, so a quickie would be around 204) 204!!!
Me: I lost 10 pounds!
Katy: YOU MEAN YOU WERE FATTER????!!!????

I’m currently doing a happy dance and laughing at that. Anyway, I really weigh 203.72 pounds! But because I was wearing all of my clothes I am rounding down to 203. I hope you all support me on this.

My relationship with Katy got worse. She assumed that because I’m fat, I’m also sedentary. I walk fields and dig holes all day for a living (and then stuffed myself silly with fast food, but that was then). I may be jiggly, but I can keep up.

Her version of exercises I should be doing includes 300 twists, 200 sit-ups, and 60 reps of some exercise for the obliques. I also shouldn’t be lifting a lot because I have big bones and that will give me big muscles. I gave her my best smile and told her that big muscles are exactly what I wanted.

“What does your husband say about that?” she asked.

I’m not kidding, she actually asked that! Whatever. I’m happy right now. Onederland, time to take out the special china and mop the kitchen floor, Momma’s coming home!

Archy~thanks for the laughter this morning!!!! I was so happy to see your post at the top of the New Posts when I signed on!!

You go girl!!! WTG on the 10 pound loss!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

You have a wonderful sense of humor and you write really well. Thanks for the smile this am.

Sheesh!

Archy-the-archaeologist! Gotta love THAT! (Why isn't there a little smilie in khaki shorts with a pick in it's hand?) VERY good stuff! I applaud your efforts to find a gym to work out in. I neither bend and stoop and walk around digs all day long, nor do I spend any time whatsoever in gyms. So far, changing my eating style has required every last ounce of concentration on my part. <~~~ obvious rationalization I'm walking, and once the weather warms up and all the rest of the snow finally disappears, I'm going to get out on my bike again - that's my fave kind of exercise. As for weighing in in front of a bunch of other women who are oooooohing and aaaaaahing over how heavy I am, well, I guess my ego is still a little too fragile for that, and it's entirely possible that it will be, no matter what I weigh . I admire your courage - or maybe not courage; maybe just flat out don't GIVE a hoot, and that's even better. Way to GO, Archy! Please continue to keep us up to date on your little adventures! (Maybe when this is all over with, nad you've reached goal, you could write a funny little book about your experience that would *fly* off the bookstore shelves!)
Have a great day!
Ella

Lol, thanks for sharing the funny story. I'm not so sure that I wouldn't have wanted to smack those ladies. I used to go to Mademoiselle (all-women's fitness center). I can remember being 201 lbs. when I started and them acting like I was Humongous. I didn't feel like I was horribly big, I'd lost 36 lbs. before I got up the courage to join, so I was feeling pretty darn good about myself at the time.

Congratulations on the 10 lbs. loss and WTG. Hang in there and make them eat their words. That's what I did.

gah.. some people are soo freakin rude. But I guess in other country's us american women are " sooooo fat"

This reminded me of this.. hehehe

Archy, you're killin' me!!!

Thanks so much for sharing your "gym" experience. Dear me! Oh, we have it so good here!

You are SO CLOSE to One-derland! Why, just one bout of dysentary away! No I'm KIDDING!!!

Jay

LOL !!

Archy thanks for the story, you´re such a good sport !!

And WTG on those ten pounds !!

How long have you been living in Peru ? Reading your story brought me directly home, in Brazil, where the fattest person after me in the gym I used to go to was a couple pounds too skinny...

Keep it up !!

Great story! You have some kinda strength to not mind a bunch of people ogling at the scale while you're on it!

OMG - I can NOT even believe they said those things to you! What a bunch of total buffoons!

And I'm with you on the aerobics--I am a total klutz. I don't know what I'd do without my cardio equipment; I'm thankful that I can manage the treadmill without hurting myself most days.

LOL! My goodness they are rude!!! You're such a good sport. I would have had these biatches back up away from MY weigh-in!

Sounds like this Katy person doesnt have a damn clue about what she's talking about! Women's muscles simply dont get "big" that easily..you need to be lifting hours a day and taking steroids..sounds like you already know this Archy.

I realized a long time ago that the only way I can maintain a decent weight (this is prior to my baby weight gain), was to develop muscles, as big as possible when I only go to the gym twice a week for 45 minutes, to keep my metabolism at a higher level. Well it seemed to work as recently I had my resting metabolic rate tested and sure enough, my metabolism is considered "higher than normal". And I find larger muscles in certain areas (the chest and butt) are very feminine and sexy because they add curves (like the muscle tissue in my chest looks like breast tissue so the boobs look bigger).

Please keep us posted on your wacky Peruvian adventures darling.

Loved your post Archy! Thanks for making us all laugh. I really think you should send that story to some network so that they could use it for a sitcom. CRACKED me up!!

I'm with you on the aerobics. Even when I was much smaller, I still have no rhythm! Oh well!!!

OMG! too funny!!! Archy, I think you have a career in stand up comedy awaiting you!!!

Bwaha! Awesome post!

About the rudeness, Archy can correct me on this if I'm wrong, but this has been my experience outside the US, particularly southern Europe and Latin America: people are less likely to consider "fat" comments rude or offensive and more along the lines of an observation, without moral judgements attached. When they say "Wow, you're fat!" they may indeed be thinking, maybe she ate all the time to get there and never exercises! but they likely aren't thinking, what a cow, what a terrible lazy person, etc.

I'd much prefer to be called fat in Spain when chances are the person saying it is also trying to pick me up (true story), v. in the USA!