i didn't know what to title this, nor do i know if this is the correct forum... i hope i am doing this right.

basically, i am seeking support for a few things.

see, i am trying to recover from an eating disorder. at my lowest i had a bmi of 15.0 and was being tube fed in a hospital. at my highest i had a bmi of 41.8 - now my bmi is approx 27.6 and am a size 16. i have been hospitalized 10x for my eating disorder and other various issues.

the only time i got acceptance/approval from others was when i weighed much less.

i have lost approx 15 pounds in a healthy manner recently. but every eating disorder forum that i belong to just serves as a reminder of the 20 year struggle i am facing. old habits die hard. my bmi is in the overweight category, i'd like to lose 40-50 more pounds to put my weight in the healthy range.

i cannot stand that i have to buy extra large clothes. it makes me feel so disgusting about myself. i cannot buy clothes at most stores because they don't carry 16's.

than there is my boyfriend. who recently gained 60 pounds from being in jail and rehab. i asked him one day what he would do if i gained 60 pounds and he said we wouldn't be sleeping in the same bed together.

than there is my mother who pats my tummy and lets me know i am bloated. keep in mind, she weighs 102 pounds. a small is too big on her.

how does on deal?

1.) Definitely stay away from people who support eating disorders...like "pro-ana". Stay here with us

2.) The people who love you only when you're small aren't worth much. And it's more about how YOU like yourself. YOU want to change. So you adopt those changes.

3.) Congrats on those 15 pounds!

4.) That boyfriend...Ugh! A man with you needs to accept who you are. If they don't...

5.) I think you have some self-esteem issues...(most eating disorders are caused from them). Start thinking about what you want for you. Don't worry about other people and what they think. You should feel happy for what you've done so far and stick with a healthy change for yourself. And be happy about those loses along the way!

I think you need to learn to love your body at your current weight before you go changing it. Or else, when you get lighter, you could lapse into a unhealthy cycle of starving and gaining.
Also, if you want to lose weight, make sure it's NOT done by starving. Instead, lose it from making healthy food choices and exercising.

As far as the boyfriend goes, it's not my place to judge, but I feel as though if there is a man in my life whom I am willing to love and trust, he needs to love me unconditionally as well. He needs to appreciate you for being patient with HIS weight gain!

sometimes the people we think we should be closest to, are the most toxic for us. It's great that you have lost 15 lbs the healthy way, that is something i am currently struggling with, trying to lose weight in a safe way. Focus on you, it might sound selfish, but sometimes, its okay to put your own well being first.

Dear person, YOU are more important than your clothing size! I know what you mean about hating to buy large-sized clothing--there isn't anyone on here who hasn't faced that. But in the greater scheme of life, IT DOESN'T MATTER!

YOU are also more important than the opinions of your boyfriend, mother, and so on.

Stay with the moderate course. Don't go to extremes. Hang in there and check in with us--we want to help!

Jay

What JayEll and the others have said is absolutely right on. Start loving yourself first. That is your first step. If you are losing weight for others, chances are that you will fail. Don´t lose it for anyone else other than YOU.
You can do this!