I have not visited this site since July 2006. I was doing so well, now I'm not. I'm back to eating and gorging myself on junk food, while thinking "I don't need this" but eating it anyway. WHY do I do that????? I must really hate myself to do this every single day to myself. I'm fat, ugly, gross, totally out of control and hating it all. The girls at work are all dieting, but I have done it and undone it so many times that I have totally given up on it. There are so many things that hold me back (myself most of all) but reports that say things like the older you get the harder it is to take weight off, and I'm 41 years old. How hard can it be? Impossible, that's how hard. I know I can do it, I've done it a hundred times, but never have I stuck with it for more than a few months, and NEVER has the weight dropped in buckets, the most I've lost during one diet episode was about 50 lbs., and once I stopped dieting, it all came back, plus some. I don't know which way to turn. I do not want to be fat, well, okay it seems that maybe I do want to be fat, for some stupid reason, but my heart doesn't want to be fat. I think this is my way of punishing myself or those around me who I love and who love me who maybe just make me angry or frustrated, and it's almost like I'm shouting "here, take that!!" HA!!! to get back at them. I'm tired of fighting it, and tired of trying to convince myself and others that I'm happy the way I am, because I'm not. I'm tired of hiding my eating and hoping that someone else will slip up and want to eat out with me. That's sad, because I should be encouraging them and keeping them on track, not trying to tempt them to eat junk and be unhealthy right along with me. Sad. I'm sad, I guess. I just don't know anymore.

I'm so sorry you've hit such a low. I think we all get there sometimes. Have you spoken to your doctor about what might work best for you? I have a horrible habit of when I lose thinking everyone around me is waiting for me to gain it all back again or that they will say -- gee you were really big before!! I just want to go unnoticed forever!!

Please don't stop trying. You can do this -- there are so many people on this website who have been in the same position as you, struggled but then did lose the weight. Do you remember how good you feel when you lose 50 lbs -- you can move better and your outlook is better? I tend to lose a chunk and then get cocky and stop trying so hard which always makes it all come back.

I eat in private so no one knows how much I really consume, I know my husband would be disgusted. But they all know because of our weight so we aren't fooling anyone. And, the only person we punish is ourselves. We think the food tastes great but it makes us feel like crap and I've discovered nothing tastes as great as I anticipated -- and the 10th doesn't taste any better than the 1st.

Please keep trying, you will find a program that works for you -- it's going to be a struggle, I wish it was easy but then we would have never gotten this way if it was easy. Try just some little changes. I know it would be nice if it dropped off in buckets -- but it didn't go on that way. And, the alternative to losing is that we will continue to gain and I know I don't want to gain any more!!

Good luck, take care of yourself and keep trying!! You can do this -- we all fail sometimes, but the success if when we get back up and try again.

Kim – I am sorry you are feeling so bad right now. Getting out of the cycle of emotional eating is incredibly difficult and probably not something we will only need to do once. We can deal with one issue and then find there is something else lurking that we hadn’t even thought about that makes that demon rise to the surface again.

I used to wonder if I actually was trying to kill myself. It got to the point where that seemed the only logical conclusion as to why I would continually eat even when I was sitting there thinking that I was doing the very thing that caused me pain. The thing I ended up realizing was that it wasn’t that I was trying to hurt myself, but that I was trying to comfort myself and food was the only sure way I knew how to do that. Food can be like the greatest drug – a high and an anesthetic all rolled into one, except that like with any other drug when you come down from the high you are left with the consequences of your actions, which is fat stored on your body.

One thing I have found is that negativity begets negativity. If you keep telling yourself that you are gross and ugly then what is going to happen? You will feel the need to feel comforted because you feel depressed and low. How do you comfort yourself? With food. What does food do? After the high has worn off it makes you feel gross and ugly. The trick here is to stop the negative thinking and find other ways to comfort yourself. You eat because some part of your needs it. If you can identify that part and give it something else, then it won’t need food. The thing is, there is nothing wrong with the feelings, the only issue is finding a healthier way to deal with them.

It is funny - I feel like I am writing this as much to myself as to you because I have been somewhat stuck lately and falling back into some bad habits. It is a long process and definitely won't happen overnight, but the important thing is to keep trying so that you can find some peace in your life about your weight.

Kim, First of all, welcome back. Second – STOP. While I know how much you must be hurting to say such awful things about yourself, beating yourself up will do nothing to improve the situation. If you had truly given up, you would not be here! You would not be posting and you would not care. But you have and you do. I'm so sorry you are so low, but you can get back up again and I believe you want to or you wouldn't be here.

No. Not impossible. Look at my stats. At 41 years old I weighed 328 lbs. At 43 I now weight about 230. It hasn't been easy, but it wouldn't have been easy at 21 either.

And THAT may be the key. Maybe if you want to lose 10 lbs so you look better in a bikini a diet is okay, but for someone over 300 lbs, dieting doesn't work. You don't need to diet. You need to change your lifestyle. I know that is easier said that done, but it's true. I speak from experience here! I've lost 40 – 50 lbs several times in my life. It always came back double/triple. My last gain was a slow, steady 15 lbs or so a year (following one of those wonderful losses). Not much, until you do it for 10 years!

I can only speak for myself, it's true, but what I've learned is that I CAN NEVER LIVE THE WAY I USED TO AGAIN. Not if I don't want to be back at 300 lbs. That doesn't mean I'll never eat full-fat ice cream and I'll never eat fettuccini alfredo. It means that I can't eat ½ gallon of ice cream a night and I can't eat alfredo sauce three times a week. It means I've had to learn to cook all over again, to use applesauce and pumpkin in place of oil in baking, to oven fry instead of deep-fry and to use a tsp. of oil instead of a ¼ cup in a skillet. It means learning new ways to cook old favorite, making meals center around the protein and veggies instead of the carbs. It means walking from the parking lot instead of feeding a meter to get closer to work. It means taking the stairs instead of the elevator. It means finding other things than food to celebrate with or comfort me.

You CAN lose weight. You know you can, you've done it before. Don't look at your weight and say "How can I lose 100 lbs?" Say "I'm going to lose 10 lbs." Then when the 10 are gone – lose another 10. The big number is overwhelming. The little number is immensely doable. Don't expect it to drop in buckets either! It didn't go on in a few months and it won't come off that way - not and stay off. We'll all help any way we can!

These are wonderful posts; thank you for believing in me and reaching out to help me. I've sunk so far down into this depression over being fat that I can't seem to see any light down the proverbial tunnel. You're all right, it IS a mind-set issue and I will work on that. I have stated to the girls I work with today, that I am going to lose weight with them. I'm so frightened of failure that it holds me back from even trying. You all have so many inspiring things to say, and it DOES HELP knowing that SOMEONE out there knows what I'm going through. THANK YOU for being available and willing to post, to help people like me get back to reality. I appreciate it, and I know anyone else who reads this posts will be encouraged, also. Thanks again!

welcome hun - hugs to you feeling so sad and bad at the mo - I also think most of us if not all have felt how u are now feeling...I don't have any magic answers or short cuts I'm afraid if there were any I'd have found em!! BUT here there is a fellowship of people who understand. I have been fighting the battle a long time now, but I can never truly give up becos I guess somewhere deep down under inches of fat I feel I can make my life different and not settle for things as they are. However I really believe that a key is to start living the life you want NOW not when u are slim.

I am 6 months away from becoming a registered nurse. I have wanted this for ever, but always said I would do it when I was slimmer, fitter, I said I would join the gym when I was less big, go on hols when I was less big etc etc etc. And now I am just doing it all NOW and I hope that in the future I will be less big and more healthy but that won't stop me living life and feeling GOOD about myself NOW. I know it is easier said than done. But make some small changes, do something u have wanted to do for you; even something as little as a nice skin care routine, some new cleanser and moisturiser, take some care of YOU and maybe something little will build your confidence and lighten your mood.

Good luck with it all, I am sure you have come to the right place - I agree with Lilion, it is not necc a diet you need but some changes which over time will turn your life around.

I think all of us have felt exactly what you felt. Before I started this journey, I had never lost more than 30 pounds and maintained a lifestyle change for only 9 months. One thing I am learning this time around is that it's only a failure when I give up on myself.

I think part of the problem for so many of us is that this is so daunting! We have so much to lose! I tried not to think of the big picture but just focus on smaller goals. As one of our own, Catherine, has said (Okay, I'm paraphrasing): I can't lose 100 pounds, but I can lose 1 pound 100 times.

For me, it was important to commit myself to doing something. I had this long term goal. I was 39 at the time and one day thought "I want to be fitter when I'm 50 than when I turn 40." When I started, it was with this in mind.

But you don't have to change everything at once. Small changes over time can add up -- I started by bringing lunch and snacks to work and watching portions.

This is a mental game, so your attitude is KEY! You have to believe you deserve it!

Good luck, and if you haven't already, feel free to join us on the numbered threads (there's one for us "hens" over 40 too!)

Hey Kim ... I read your post and wanted to encourage you. I am 48 years old and I have lost 66 lbs so far. I am going for small increments, esp watching how many inches and sizes are coming off. My biggest goal is to become heathier, as I try to come to terms with my feelings too.

I still have a long ways to go and sometimes it can seem daunting. But I totally agree with what the others have said. Focus on one day at a time; that may sound trite, but it's not ... it really works. I am a former yo-yoer as well. I made little changes over time; eating three balanced meals a day, plus two healthy snacks. Modified all my favorite dishes, so I can still have them.

One of the biggest helps for me is to have only healthy foods and snacks in my home (fruit, yogurt, nuts, popcorn, etc). I have soup with my lunch and salad with my dinner; drink lots of water; have a fruit and drink, just before each meal and in the evening, if I am hungry. It's working ... and I've lost all that weight!!!

I am an emotional eater too; when I would get hurt or stressed, I would comfort myself with food. Now, I go for a walk, listen to music, or sing, or play the piano, or read ... anything to distract my mind from negative thoughts. I also journal, write stories, and poems. I repeat positive mantras, little joy buds to boost my self-love. I have them on stickies on my pc too. Yes, you can learn to love yourself more. Joy buds are things like " I am good or I am worthy. " Make a list of every good quality you have; if you don't know them, ask a relative or friend ... you will be pleasantly surprised.

I chose activities that are uplifting and positive; plus I took a look at the kind of people I was associating with as well. Find books and movies about personal success stories; how they inspire. Every day I look for the good, the nice, the lovely; my whole mindset has been transformed. I am thankful for me and my life, and all that I have; I am so grateful to be alive.

I think it's fab that we can all come here and support each other. I am glad that you came back for help and encouragement. We can help each other thru the rough times. Remember, one day at a time, one hour, one minute, or even one nano-second, if need be. Now, I know you can do that.
We're on your side and rootin' for ya! Go Kim ... go Kim! Another new encourager ... Rosebud