I've been having major thoughts the last couple days, mostly self-image issues that have been majorly keeping me down, stemming from a minor issue with my boyfriend. After writing down the story in my livejournal, a friend of mine commented. Her reply made me think, really, and I really felt I should share it with you all:

"As much as I applaud your behavior in this situation (I can only imagine myself and other girls freaking out tenfold), I have to wonder if you really believe in your own beauty. Think about it, please. How often do you get hit on, Alix? Honestly, if looks got us anywhere, according to you I'd have a sixth of the world's population of men texting me and I'd be married three times by now...and am I? (Don'tanswerthat.) EXACTLY. Guys are drawn to you because you're confident in yourself and happy with who you are, and you know what else? Who is in charge of beauty anyway? A bunch of people who are way more insecure/shallow/unhealthy than you. I think you're beautiful the way you are. I thought that when I met you and I will no matter what happens to you, and the Alix I know, who speaks her mind and is funny as **** and a fantastic friend and sharp as a tack...she's hotter than any supermodel or porn star because she's someone a person would want forever. If Brian doesn't realize this, it's his loss. But I think it's more important that you do, and that you never forget it or let anyone sway your opinion"

It's honestly one of my favorite quotes now. I think I should print it out and put it someplace that I can look at easily when I'm getting depressed about how I look. But it made me think..

How do you see beauty? What to you is "attractive".... and does it conform to society's standards? Is it all in looks, or is it, as my friend here says, in attude and behavior?

For me, it is very much so. One of the people I think of when I imagine beautiful women is Kari Byron... yes, from Mythbusters. I love her attitude, and that she's fun... and that she's physically attractive without looking trashy. She's not "preppy", which is something that works for me.



I'm an intelligent person, and I find intelligence attractive, especially when its thrown together with playfullness and a sense of humor. I like showing off curves without wearing clothing that is quite revealing... I remember once at work, a woman who looked to be in her 40s came in wearing a tank top and super-short skirt. When she was walking out, I realized that the skit was so short that half of her bum was hanging out... and yes, she was going commando. =x. That's an extreme case but.. I think even when I'm at goal, my shorts will not be insanely short, and my shirts will not be insanely little.

I don't think being so thin that your ribs are constantly showing is attractive. Women are supposed to have curves.. Someone who has been working out, who has toned, firm muscles without being bulky is, in my mind, very attractive... which is really what I'm aiming for. I like people with their own style, people who are completely capable to walk out of their house without makeup on.

What is your opinion?

~Fae

I've struggled with my appearance for years. When I was younger I was very blah, very overweight, tall, didn't know anything about makeup or clothing and I blame my mother for that. She was very into her appearance, but she never taught me how to pluck my eyebrows (which were horrendous) or how to apply eyeshadow correctly (people asked if I had been punched in the eye lol) so I was teased a lot. As I got older and learned how to dress and got into makeup, and started the process of losing weight, I realized that I am attractive, but I'll have days where I feel horrible about the way I look. Its an issue that gets to my boyfriend as well, when he compliments me its hard for me to believe he's being sincere.

I think sometimes my idea of beauty is a little bit warped but I know I admire women who can speak eloquently, dress very well, they are intelligent and know what they want but at the same time are caring and have a heart. Beauty has a lot to do with one's personality I think. I know a girl who is a very cold person, very ugly inside and it shows outside. There's was one time where I thought she looked pretty, but 95% of the time I just saw her as very ugly but she was horrible to people so I think it made her appearance ugly outside.

When I first started trying to lose weight (its been and on/off process) at 16, my reasons were always to be able to have a boyfriend, so guys would find me attractive. As i've gotten older, I've realized its more important to me to lose weight for myself, so I'M happy with how I look and I'M comfortable and having this mindset has worked out better for me, I've stuck with my goals and have met them as opposed to when I was doing it for the sake of getting a guys attention. This was also something taught to me by my mother, I remember she'd say that no man would want me unless I was skinny and blonde, and it didn't matter how intelligent I was. In my case, the way I was raised by my mother has a lot to do with my idea of beauty. As women, our mothers play a huge role on our self-esteem because they are our biggest role model when it comes to becoming a woman, at least in my opinion. My mother was weird when it came to looks and men and she passed it down to me, but I'm happy to say I am starting to overcome it and learning that feeling good about myself has nothing to do with someone elses opinion of me. If I'm truly happy with myself, nothing else matters. If I'm not happy with myself, all the compliments and attention in the world won't make a difference.

Hmm..
You know, I never really found bodies to be attractive.
I'm mostly attracted to faces. Not your traditional "beautiful" face, but faces that have imperfections; crooked tooth, laugh line, dimple, crinkly eye - that sort of thing.

I agree that beauty is not what is on the outside, but what we are made up of inside - our personalities. But I also think that many of us who have been on this trying-to-be-healthy path, and especially those who are/have been overweight are probably most likely to look on the inside before the outside, because we were not part of the 'elite' who fell within society's idea of what is beautiful. So we're more likely to choose a mate based on what's on the inside, because that is the way we have been living our lives, from the inside out, you know, we're the girls with "great personalities" haha.

Does that make sense?
Anyway, I am attracted to imperfections in a face, but my decision on whether I pursue someone is always based on them as a whole, not a physical attribute.

interesting question fae. certainly one that is not straight up and down.

for me, i think my perception of beauty is the classic 1950's siren. all of the aspects of the curves, the makeup that emphasised the eyes and mouth, the glossy, wavy hair - everything about. perhaps this is why i am drawn more to fitness type figures as opposed to 'model' type figures - there is more depth to them.

i remember an ex boyfriend of mine who comforted me when I felt i was struggling with my weight and appearance and what he said to me. i was comparing myself to a friend/nemisis who was thin, very thin and i said she gets all the stares because she can wear a bikini or short shorts, etc. my ex said that although she may get the stares initially once you inspect closer you find there is no sensuality around her - she is simply an image. me however, i have sensuality and sexuality and am much more sexy than she could ever be. funny how i remember that

however, i don't think it is too hard to find your perception of beauty distorted by the media and society. when you get bombarded with it day in and day out it is difficult to remember and be true to yourself and not conform.

i could rattle off a number of women i find attractive and would be able to do the same with men. when it comes to the opposite sex i find humour a big part of the puzzle for attraction. probably more so than looks - that cheeky attitude gets me everytime.

Growing up I was taller and bigger than any of the other girls. I was constantly comparing myself to them. I hated swimming in middle school because of it. I hated gym. I wore sweatpants when the other girls wore shorts. Even now I won't wear shorts.

I slimmed down a little in college (all that walking), and one of the first guys I connected with noticed me. He told me (later) how much he admired my body. That was such a shock. He always wanted me to dress a little less modestly and show myself off. At the time I was still at least 40 lbs overweight. How I'd love to be there now!

Now I'm with someone who appreciates my mind and personality more than my appearance. I'm hoping to get off some weight so I'm happier and less insecure about myself.

I have never thought of myself as attractive, but several other people have, and have told me. Now when I look back at photos, I see what they saw. I wasn't THAT overweight as a child, but I was extremely self conscious about being bigger than everyone else. I think that insecurity just fueled the need for food. I still remember other kids telling me I should go on a diet. How mean... and I still remember it. That was scarring. I should sue!

I find stick skinny girls to be unattractive. I do think it is confidence that makes someone glow.

What a loaded question that is...

Growing up, I was tall, and broad-shouldered, and when I "bloomed" (at the ripe old age of 10 - I was a really early bloomer) it was to very large breasts and "child-bearing hips". Considering that the "ideal" was the stick-skinny with no curves, I always felt super-awkward. Not to mention...I'm not pretty. Not cute. I'm attractive, and when I make the effort I can be somewhere between beautiful and striking. But in a very strong way. I cannot pull off dainty and pretty and cute, never have been. But again, that's what's prized in teenaged girls. Everyone wants to be "cute", and I knew I couldn't be. So instead I went the tomboy route and played to my inner badass. I felt a lot more secure in baggy jeans, ****kicker steel-toed boots, and a man's button-up shirt over a tight tank top, than I ever did in a skirt or heels. At least that way I didn't get teased as much...though it had less to do with fitting in than the air of "tease me and I'll end you".

By the time I graduated, we were all moving out of the "cute" phase, and it was becoming clear who was going to stay "cute" forever, who was fading fast, and who was evolving into more than "cute".

Then, I moved to Santa Cruz. And it's a weird mixture here. We have the college girls, many of whom are still hung up on "cute" - although there are some absolutely gorgeous women here, too - and we have the bohemian chicks, and the art students, and everything imaginable. So my definition of beauty made like one of those foam toys you played with as a kid, where you stick it in water and suddenly a fireman who was the size of your fingernail is bigger than your hand. Boom. Suddenly it encompassed so much more than I'd ever been raised to see as beautiful.

Like you, Martini, I'm a faces person. Not that I don't appreciate the curves of a woman's body, because that's beautiful too...but my eye is more likely to be captured by the way a woman holds her head, the way she chews her lip when she laughs, the line of her jaw.

I love riding the bus nowadays. I sit near the door, and I watch people get on at the stops. I watch faces, and it's a rare, rare woman on whom I don't find at least one feature to fall in love with.

For myself, though...a different story. Isn't that always the way of it, though? We find things to love in others, but have nothing but contempt for ourselves so often. "The only person I ever found it utterly impossible to love was myself." I love muscles on women - not bodybuilder types, because male or female, those bodies look like terrible parodies of what the human form should be - but solid muscles you can see when she moves, taut skin over a hard body. And that's what I want for me. An athletic body, more than a "pretty" body. Hunh. Maybe I'm more butch than I thought.

All right, I'm going to wrap up the novella here. But thank you for provoking that, Fae. It is, as ever, a fascinating subject for me to ponder and poke at.

Maybe it's because I've been big all of my life, but I just think curvy women are way sexier than model-types. And even then I think it depends on personality. I work with a woman who is about my size, but pretty toned, and her butt, hips and thighs look absolutely stunning in slacks, and I've never once heard her complain about her size. That's sexy.
That's where I want to be. I want to be toned and healthy, but not skinny. Does that make me a horrible dieter, or what? I've really stuggled with the idea of losing weight and who it actually satisfies.
Brains and personality will always be sexier; but I would like to know what it feels like to be hot...