This is Day 90...I can hardly believe it


Funny how I woke up with my worst binge thoughts I've experienced in the last 90 days. Some of the techniques I have learned didn't really kick in but I did manage to find some coping skills just in time. Once I got through the distress, I was fine.
One word of gentle caution, if you are thinking about a cheat day or cheat meal. I'm happy it works for some people, but that mentality led me into a deeper hole and a downward spiral. I let myself think that I could be "good" for X number of days or weeks, then let myself be "bad" and reward myself with food. At first I could control it, just eating one big meal every few weeks.
But then I started getting lax in my discipline. I would give myself a cheat day and told myself, first thing in the morning, I go back to the gym. And I would. And even though I typically added 6-10 lbs of water weight and felt uncomfortable, the water weight disappeared after 7-10 days. I thought, "I can do this" without consequences.
Pretty soon, one cheat day every few weeks turned into a cheat weekend. And pretty soon I would tell myself it was ok to not go to the gym on Monday but to wait til Tuesday instead. Then a cheat long weekend followed by a few days off at the gym because I told myself I deserved a break. Because I was initially able to get back to my original weight after a binge, I became complacent. Then the scale started going up and it wasn't water weight...
And before long, I was binging several times a week.
I have an all-or-nothing mentality that I'm trying to break. It's either "I have to be good all the time and if I eat a bad thing I've failed." So on cheat days, I would tell myself to eat as much as I could because on Monday I had to go back to being "good" again. My therapy sessions deal a lot with being in the middle, allowing a full spectrum of foods and gym behaviors (easy, hard, or take the day off without guilt). If I want more, I can have more tomorrow or at the next meal. This mentality, along with making sure I really want a particular food before eating it, has really helped me.
We are all different, so a cheat day can work well for some. But if you have trouble with black and white thinking patterns or tend to feel guilty if you make even a small mistake, cheat meals/days might really hurt you. I have learned that I this practice is really harmful for me.