Hannah - 30DS is Jillian Michaels 30 day shred video. It is a 20 minute workout that you do every day, with 3 levels that you progress through during the 30 days. Even though it is short, it is pretty tough. I even find a couple of the P90X to be easier.

I have been extremely anxious for the past couple of days, and as usual, for no particular reason. I've had to take Xanax just to get through work. And now the anxiety is sinking into depression. I was hoping I'd snap out of it, but I guess not. So I called into work today, hopefully taking a day at home will make me feel better. We are having an unseasonable cool snap right now with temps dropping down below 80, so maybe I can play around in my yard.

Definitely having a better day, although I can't say the same for Bob. He went out last night and bought boots & other necessary gear for the work he does at the farm, because he wants to go up there alone for a week. But he desperately needs to get his Land Cruiser emission-inspected so it will be legal to drive, and he's going nowhere fast on that project. He says I'm making it harder for him to do it by pestering him about needing to buy a new futon for the couch where I spend the bulk of my time, but I haven't breathed a word about that since last night. Oh well.

The important thing for today, in order to get ready for my great-niece Grace coming over tomorrow, is to get my mood and my diet (they're linked, of course) on more of an even keel. So I've been working slowly on the BERP, trying to make sure I don't overexert myself and get depressed. So far, so good. I went through a bunch of old mail and consolidated it into just the people I really want to respond to. 'Couldn't resist writing a few postcards and one card while I was at it. There's been a huge tangle of stuff that needs to be dealt with all over the living room rug, and I reduced its size quite a bit today. I'm planning to make a display of some (lots) of the more aesthetically appealing handmade postcards I've received over the years, on the wall in the downstairs corridor. That will have the desirable result of getting "rid" of yet one more box of stuff I have to find a place for.

I'm pleased by the reactions to my nudibranchs collage (thanks so much, Hannah, for your comments!)—especially in that two people whose judgment I trust think the written frame around it is a good touch. I've been struggling for some time with the problem of what to do with the text I've been putting in descriptions under the Flickr scans, because I feel strongly that it's important to give credit for the sources of my images. A few weeks ago it just dawned on me: if I break out of the narrow postcard format and make my collages a little larger, I can hand-write those credits right on the collage—yay! I think it's something worth continuing.

I'm still too overwhelmed by the BERP to do much in the way of personals, but please know I'm thinking of y'all and cheering you on. I'm sure when the day comes that you don't see the word "BERP" in my postings anymore, y'all will all heave a huge sigh of relief. Kitten pictures are so much more appealing! =laugh=

Hi there everyone!

I had a busy day, I went to physical therapy, I'm tired and sore from that. Then I went to Weight Watchers, it was a very positive group but I gained a little, I'm still 5 pounds down, but I just feel frustrated. I know what I did wrong though, I ate too much over my points and I went a little too overboard for my birthday. Well, it's a new week!

I also feel cautiously happy, I found a new hairstylist. I walked past his salon last night on my way home from my talk therapy so I called the salon today and had an awesome consultation with him today. He's very sweet and more experienced than the junior stylist at another salon that I was going to, but it's funny, they know each other!

Anyways, tomorrow is my last day for iron infusions, I bought the nurses and staff some bakery cookies! I'm getting a pedicure tomorrow, big yay!

Have a good night. I'm tired but I'm going to relax...

Amy

Hi everyone,


I just wanted to let everyone know that my depression is much better. I came out of it quickly this time. I am still under a great amount of stress but I will be ok.


I don't have time for personals tonight but just know that you all are in my thoughts. Much love to all.

Antonia: At least you TRIED the 30DS!!! I would be too afraid!!! Anything Jillian Michaels scares me! She doesn't mess around! Good that you knew your limits, too, and honored them. YIKES, getting up at 4:30am sounds crazy, too. Sorry you are battling anxiety and depression. I hope your day off helped!

Trish: Sorry you are still struggling. Please vent if you want to and let us know any ways that we can help you through this difficult time. We are here for you and WE CARE ABOUT YOU!!! Is there ANYONE you can call "in person" and get together with to help ease your loneliness? I hope you can get some much-needed sleep. That makes everything harder when your sleep is deprived.

Hannah: I hope you are taking good care of yourself. You deserve it! Way to go on tracking for 2 days, despite your extremely busy workload!!! Keep up the great work!

Fi: Glad to hear that yesterday was a better day for you! Hope you enjoyed your day with Grace today. Good luck getting your mood and diet on an even keel! That is no small feat. In fact, it is a daily challenge for me. But I know YOU CAN DO IT! Remember that it is about PROGRESS and not perfection!

Amy: That is frustrating that you gained a little at WW, but at least you know what you did wrong. Your new hair stylist sounds fabulous! CONGRATS on being FINISHED with your iron infusions!!! Hope you enjoyed your pedicure!

I worked out with our trainer this morning and have eaten pretty well today. I have been fighting a migraine the past couple days. YUCK! Went back to my primary doc today to have my thyroid rechecked (blood draw). My fingernails are pulling away from the nail beds and I have read that it can be caused by hypothyroidism (low thyroid levels), which he is treating me for. Hope to hear back in the next couple days. He might have to increase my thyroid med. He suspects nail fungus might be a contributing factor, too (I know......GROSS!), because my nails are slightly discolored, so he prescribed a nail lacquer to use "just in case." The leaflet that came with the prescription says it can take A YEAR for the nails to be clear (or almost clear) again. CRAP! I hope that's not true. The doc didn't mention THAT! The nails can't reattach to the nail beds, though, so it WILL probably take 4-6 months for new nails to grow in. Oh well, things could be much worse. This is just a nuisance. I started reading the book about the SHRED diet, and ~ although it sounds very flexible ~ I am a bit doubtful that I will stick to it. Leaning toward low-carb IF I can get up the gumption to "just do it!" Something has to give if I am going to lose a significant amount of weight again. Please send me some !!!!! I need it badly!!!

ohiofreespirit: GREAT to hear from you!!! You must have posted while I was typing my message. Glad to hear that you came out of your depression quickly this time. Sorry you are still under a lot of stress, but I'm sure you are handling it better since your mood is more stable. Hope the stress eases up, too, though! Please continue to keep in touch whenever possible! Take good care!

Hi there!

I had a good day overall. . I adore my new hairstylist, he is hilariously funny, very friendly and sweet. I got a stunning new haircut and I'm going back soon for hair color. I feel so relieved to finally have found someone who I truly trust and feel comfortable with! Big yay! The salon is beautiful, some of the front desk ladies are a bit cold, but I guess that's just them. It was weird, there was a confusion about my appointment time so they called me saying I was late, but we worked it out. My stylist was fine with everything. Oh well, I won't let that bother me, I love my new cut!!! I got the haircut instead of my pedicure, maybe I'll go for a pedicure next week.

Believe, thank you so much! Yes, I'm done with the iron infusions for now! I hope to feel more energized soon. The nurses like the cookies and I gave a few hugs!

I hope everyone feels stronger, better and I will check in soon!

Amy

Hello everyone,


I really don't have much to tell you but I did want to, at least, check in.


Jennifer is supposed to come home tomorrow. She has been gone a whole week.

Today I cleaned the living room. It was a mess so I had quite a lot to get picked up. I had some guys come and set up my blu-ray player for me. Silly me couldn't do it. Now I have Net-Flix and Pandora on my television. I love it.


I worked on my crochet for a bit, my fingers got numb so I had to quit. I don't know why they do that? I can only crochet for short periods of time.


IBelieveInMe, I am doing pretty well considering a few days ago I was so very down. I was crying and anxious. I was in bad shape. I made sure I have been taking my meds and reading my bible, I love psalms. It comforts me.


I hope this post finds everyone well. Much love to all.

Well, my great-niece Grace rescheduled for Friday because she had a conflict with a swim team event, so I spent the day doing fun stuff: preparing a series of postcards I'll be sending out one a day to a dear friend in Australia, and working on a cat collage I'm making as a present for my breeder.

Then in the evening Bob and I went and picked up the long-overdue replacement for the futon I live on every day. We had to wrangle the new futon into his Land Cruiser, wrangle it into the house and out of its plastic wrapping, then wrangle the cover off the old dead futon, then...oh, I won't bore you anymore: the upshot of all that wrangling is that I am sore! I tried to do my leg exercises, and it was just a joke. Even my toes are sore. I sure do miss having a 25-yr-old body that used to view such chores as a piece of cake.

So it's an early night for me. Muesli, a bit of reading, then blotto...

Lisa— It's nice to see your smiling face back on the thread! And I'm so glad to hear that you are smiling. Depression is the pits. I was there just a couple of days ago, and I'm so relieved to be back (crossing my fingers and my sore toes).

Amy— That's cool you found an experienced hair dresser who gave you a great cut! I used to have a hairdresser who gave me great cuts, but then my husband lost his job, and I can't afford to go there anymore. It's OK: I have manageable hair that I just keep long, wearing it in a ponytail most of the time. My husband (who also has very long hair) and I just give each other hatchet job trims every now & then: it's no biggie.

Kathleen— So sorry to hear you had (have) another migraine. I take it that the usual prescriptions don't work for you? Say, don't mess around with that nail fungus: get yourself to a dermatologist right away. Take it from someone who knows—I had nail fungus in the summer of '09, and it got so rampant it turned into a whole-body fungal infection. That was truly gross, believe me! You do NOT want to hear anymore of that story.

MonteCristo— I wish I could say something about your anxiety-sliding-into-depression that would be helpful. Do you have any antidepressants or other meds that can head it off at the pass?

Worthy— 'Haven't seen your inspiring postings lately. I hope all is going well.

Trish— Please tell us more about what's going on with you. Please don't get isolated: you need social support. Even if it seems dull or downbeat to you, we want to know!

Fi - I take an antidepressant everyday. Sometimes It just overwhelms the medication. Thankfully my spells are pretty short. I feel mostly back to normal now, just a little low.

Lisa - Another crocheter! What types of projects do you do? Sorry about the numbness...that happens to me too, but generally only if I'm crocheting all day long for several days in a row. Have you ever tried the gloves? They helped me some. Glad your low period was short and you are feeling better now.

Amy - That is wonderful about your new stylist. Having someone you trust is so important. And congrats on finishing your iron infusions!

Kathleen - 30DS is pretty rough. I didn't do it the two days I was really down, but I did try it again last night...and I hurt my back. My chiroprator doesn't want me to do it anymore (and I'm kind of relieved). I'm to stick to low impact like yoga and elliptical for now. Maybe when I get the weight down more, and my back has been strengthened from the yoga I will try it again. Sorry about your migraine. They are killers. You should give low carb a try, it has worked wonderfully for me.

Happy Friday to All!

Flower123: Your posts to the group are very welcomed. A number of us, including me, has suffered with binge eating disorders paired with depression. The combined issues are isolating but should not be alienating. You are one of many, many people on the earth who has this experience. A book that helped me, if you're into self-help books, is Brain over Binge. It gave me a different perspective on my relationship with food and helped me get my compulsive eating under control by thinking about my issue differently.

Amy: Happy belated birthday, gurl! Sorry I missed sending good wishes to you on your special day but you know what? You go right ahead and do a repeat, if you want! Congratulations on finding a stylist you like and trust who has talent. I still haven't found one and have been suffering through some seriously bad cuts for a couple years now.

Holly: So happy to see you posting again. Glad you had a good time camping. Scales are evil. Mine hasn't moved in two weeks, despite my staying on track and burning calories like a mad woman. All any of us can do is just keep on working at it.

Fleur: on the job at the law office! I hope it brings you happiness and a sense of accomplishment each day you are at work. Congratulations for the weight loss, too!

IBelieve: Every tick of the clock presents a new opportunity to start again. You can do this!

Antonia: At least you gave the Shred workout a try. Don't give up! Keep working at it an eventually you will be able to do the entire workout. I know all too well the desire to perform something new and demanding with utter perfection the first time out. You can do this! Just keep telling yourself that you have to keep working at it and no negative talk!

Lilturtle: I'm glad to see you posting again. I'm sorry things aren't feeling good for you right now. Please think about reaching out to someone in your community you can talk with.

Lisa: Glad your depression is clearing away. I'm sorry about the stress. Hoping things improve for you.

Fi: It sounds like things have been up and down for you but I'm glad that you're doing okay overall--even if you did get sore all the way down to your toes while wrangling the futon.

As for me, I started my strength training on Monday of this past week. It means my gym schedule is up to four days a week, so I'm not getting home until nearly 7 p.m. After a shower and supper, I have only an hour or so before I crawl into bed. The new activity and schedule meant I didn't sleep well this week, so things were a challenge.

I thought I would give myself a break last night and come home right after work and do some light cardio. The dog was so excited to see me, she immediately wanted to go for a walk. We ended up taking a two-mile walk together and once again, it was 7 p.m. before I returned to the house.

Despite the fact the scale hasn't moved in two weeks, I can see that the shape of my body is continuing to change. I'm actually starting to see some definition along my obliques. This is previously unknown phenomena. I have learned that my form when doing squats is abysmal. My trainer has informed me that my quads and lats (leg muscles) are too weak and that is due to my poor form which is due to me learning to overcompensate for my damaged right ankle and knee. The end game is to continue working on it. I'm living on Tylenol, by the way.

My other effort these days is an attempt to make myself more--what I call girly-girl attractive. I'm not a high-maintenance woman. I'm more of a wash and wear woman. I am not in the habit of primping and doing make up, nails, and hair. There are a lot of contributing factors for that--one of which is fear of attracting unwanted male attention because I was molested, raped, and subject to an attempted rape as a teenager. This reality was one of the contributing factors to me gaining weight as a protective shield.

Anyhow, I'm really back to a novice level when it comes to makeup and nails. I tried painting my nails last night and it looks like a 6-year-old did it. I suspect I'm going to be an utter failure as a high maintenance girly-girl but really, I'm just trying to look more feminine and attractive to my husband. While my focus has been on being more attractive to my husband, other men have started to notice me.

A guy in a pickup truck pulled up beside me while I was walking the dog last night under the pretense of asking me about her little dachshund self. While I tried to joke with him about the dog, I noticed he was checking out my chest. ~sigh~ Men. Since I had no interest in engaging him further, I continued to walk. He drove along beside me for a little bit before finally pulling away. Once he was gone, I suddenly realized that I didn't have my cell phone with me. I went through the panicked irrational thought process of what-ifs but was able to let that run its course and not dwell on it. I'll be certain I have my phone with me the next time I go out, though.

Hi there...

Thanks everyone for the nice posts. I have a bad sinus infection, I feel lousy. I went to my local ER last night, now I'm on antibiotics. I slept a lot of the day today, feeling run down and exhausted. It's nice to just be home with Snickers. We cuddled earlier, he was SO glad when I came home from the ER! A pet sitter came by to check on him while I was away in the ER. Snickers was so happy to see me, he jumped, twisted and he purred like a kitty cat.

I'm going to bed soon. Have a good night.

Amy

Wow... this week the theme for the collage blog I'm on is "Body Image." I just about freaked out. And then I made this. Please, if you look at the image, read what I wrote underneath... My mind is in a whirl.

Hello All,

My food hasn't been good - again. I have been hungrier today than I normally am. So I figure my body needed it. Good news is that I got up this morning and actually took a long walk. Walked about 2.5 miles. So that is good I suppose. I am not feeling great, even though I should be. Things are great. Stupid food consuming my life...

I will hopefully be able to post personals in the morning. Love you all.

Hi everyone,

I know I've been absent for a few days. Things have been busy for me and honestly quite depressing at my current job. I don't start at the law office until July 30th, so I'm drudging through the last few days at the shelter. I'm so blessed to have gotten the job at the law office because a lot of changes are happening at the shelter and many are not good. A lot of politics and butt kissing is going on which I don't want any part of at all.

I have been doing a type of low carb and haven't seen any type of progress other than a pound over the last few weeks I've been doing this method. I can't do atkins full on because I can't eat that many veggies. I am trying more every week and am proud to say I eat more than I did several months ago, but it just isn't something I can sustain for a long time. SO I'm going to give calorie counting another go. It worked for me in the past when I still ate junk food. I think now that I eat healthier food it will work even better. Also I'm switching up my gym routine from primarily weight lifting to a heavy focus on cardio. I will still have some lifts in there, but my focus will be cardio.

I had my first workout today. I completed 5 mins on the stairmaster, 25 minutes on the elliptical, 10 minutes on the cycle, and probably 10 minutes in the pool. I also did 3 sets on the bench press, 1 set of assisted pull ups, some lunges, squats, and wall sits. I'm psyched about how this will help me!!!

I only have 4 more days left at the shelter. I have Monday off! Yay!

Worththeeffort- I'm not a girly girl either, but I'm starting to do some girly things. It's taken me years to get where I am now! lol! Definitely be sure to always have your phone with you!!!

seabiscuit- Sorry to hear about your sinus infection! Hope you're feeling better!

Fiona- I like your collage. Very interesting. I can relate to the feeling like you're inside a box. I've got some material to create a mosaic. I still need to get a base, some glue, and a few other things. I'm exited for the project!