Monday:
3x10 squats no weight
3x10 calf raises no weight
3x10 bulgarian split squats no weight
3x10 romanian single leg deadlifts no weight
Attempt to create a pilates routine: bridges, the hundred, roll overs, roll ups, rolling like a ball, supermans.

Tuesday:
33 min swimming laps -- 22 laps total; 20 freestyle, 1 breaststroke, 1/2 backstroke, 1/2 elementary backstroke

I know I haven't been swimming for a while, but I was still really disappointed with how slow I was. Averaged about 1:28 per lap. A couple months ago I was averaging 1:10 per lap. Admittedly that was the indoor pool and this is the outdoor pool, but still.

Anyone have any advice about creating a pilates routine that will not involve putting any weight on my hands or putting pressure on my tailbone?

Jessica's back! Pounding out those 3x10s. And looking for Pilates exercises, I see. See, this is the kind of thing where I ask a certified instructor, but I think a Google of "Pilates ab series" is going to get you a decent sequence. My own routine is based on the ab series in my twice-a-week group mat class at the gym.

Wednesday, June 29

45 minute spin class
30 minute Pilates mat routine, on my own

June 29: 30 minutes elliptical and 15 minutes stairmaster

Totals:
27 days
1756 minutes

Nothing today. Nothing at all. And I feel badly about that. I had to drive into Connecticut today and I worked from 7:45 AM to 7:30 PM. Got home about 8:15 PM, feeling utterly wiped out. Have overeaten. I need to just drag my sorry carcass to bed. Tomorrow will be a new start. If I get through tomorrow, I have a week-long vacation coming.

ETA: One good thing: I have two more P90X discs from eBay, #10 for Biceps & back & #09 for Chest, Shoulders and Triceps. I'm looking forward to changing up my routine.

Saef-- you never take a day off. Believe me-- your body needs a break once in awhile (and probably your mind too).

June 30: 60 minutes hip hop class

Totals for June:
28 days
1816 minutes

I think I suffer from Post-Fat Traumatic Syndrome. Being at a healthy weight & being athletic feels SO GOOD and being over 100 pounds overweight felt so bad that I have an irrational fear of going back to my former state.

If I had to perform a chant every morning before breakfast to keep from turning back into a pumpkin ("Fewer Carbs, fewer carbs, fewer carbs! Portion control, portion control, portion control! Feel the hunger, feel the hunger, feel the hunger!"), I would do it.

If I had to perform a ritual before an altar made of nutritional supplement bars, I would do it.

For some reason, my irrational reptile mind believes that going to the gym is the equivalent of these rituals, and if I don't make my daily appearance, WHOOSH! on the night after I don't, all the fat will come flying back through the universe where it's been dispersed & reattach itself back to my body. This will, of course, happen while I'm sleeping, so I wake up at 247 pounds all over again.

And yeah, I know how insane this is, but I'm being honest here, because somehow I think there are people reading this who might nod their heads in understanding, even as they know (the way I know, really) that it's crazy.

(It doesn't help that, this morning, I'm up four pounds from last Friday.)

Saef, I think it is good for you physically AND for your mental health to be able to take a day off. You have said before that in your past you have had an eating disorder, and to be honest I have to say that the inability to skip even one day at the gym, where you frequently work out for 2 hours, plus the way you talk about it, sounds an awful lot like it could become its own disorder. Forcing yourself to take a day off every so often could help prevent that.

Then again, I'm no psychiatrist obviously.

Thursday 6/30:
32:45 7.3 mile bike ride. I averaged 13.4mph which is pretty much as fast as I was riding back before all this started. I thank the road bike for that since it's sure not coming from my atrophied leg muscles.

I did wake up during the night with my right hand half numb and half pins and needles, probably due to sleeping with my elbow bent too much, but I feel okay today, as compared with how much worse my arms felt the day after a 30 minute swim. My current plan is to go ahead and do any exercise that does not result in making me worse. For the moment that means biking and doing some leg strength and core work. I know that picking up dumbbells will mess up my wrists so I'm just not going to go there, and there is no way I could walk or run. Swimming is going to be put off for now since it does seem to make things worse. I am happy to see that 30 minutes on my bike doesn't seem to do any lasting damage, even though it's pretty uncomfortable at the time. I ordered a new stem for my handlebars that will raise them up an inch or so which should help.

Friday 7/1:
15 min dog walk
plan for later today:
5 min bike warmup
3x10 squats
3x10 calf raises
3x10 romanian single leg deadlifts
3x10 bulgarian split squats
pilates routine

Jessica, you are right. It's a problem that I have in other things in my life too. I have to pretend to be flexible. I actually set myself exercises in flexibility -- and I don't mean yoga. I mean in changing up a routine or doing something differently or saying yes when everything inside me wants to say no.

Saef-- I have an idea for you. No idea if you would be interested, but here goes--
Would you consider one rest day per month?
You could either take it whenever, or plan to take it on the last day of the month and then if you need to take it earlier due to work, illness, or other commitment, you could take it. Perhaps if you planned it and gave yourself permission, you wouldn't be so hard on yourself? And then you would see that you can't gain all your weight back overnight. Just a thought.

Yeah, I hear you (or some such other appropriate slang ). Sometimes I become aware that the ruts in my life are so deep that I can barely see over the tops of them. I too have to constantly force myself to do new things that scare me .

How about taking one day off from the gym every 2 weeks? The first time you do it will probably provoke a lot of anxiety (as some of your previous posts suggest). But you will see that you CAN do it. And you will also see that it won't immediately lead to your never, ever going to the gym again.

And it is a change in routine too, yes? This concludes my psychiatric advice - 5 cents please!

Dagmar aka Lucy (from "Peanuts")

Michele, Dagmar and Jessica,

Thank you all. I do need to work on this. I think I've got to start with one day a month, and do it in the manner Michele suggests: Use it for a night when I work late, or want to meet with friends, or travel. If not, then take it on the last day of the month.

I practice this in other parts of my life, but as I said, exercise has a special significance for me because I see it as part of my deliverance, an integral part to what saved me from the health problems I was starting to suffer when I got over 250 pounds.

My friend visiting this past week reminds me of where I was, once. She is 5'2" and 278 pounds, down from over 300 pounds, but up from about 260. Her husband has taken up running recently & left her behind. I know this because she & I talked earnestly & honestly into the night. (Which made it hard to get up at 4 AM the next morning for gym time.) We have known each other for over 30 years. She told me her weight. I showed her my loose skin. She told me she envies me. I told her she could do it. I fed her well & healthily during her visit. (We used to binge on goodies together whenever we met.) She asked for recipes of what I'd fed her to take home with her. I hope she becomes healthy enough to become a candidate for experimental knee surgery, which they turned her down for. At her age, she should not be breaking down the way she is.