My story is similar to LiLLy19's

I have been overweight for as long as I can remember, through most of jr high and high school I shopped in the boys section because at the time lane bryant had nothing fashionable for a younger crowd, and I didn't know where else to get plus size clothes, at the tail end of my Jr yr of high school (2001) a plus sized store opened up in the mall, i started out there at a size 20. I stayed in the 20-22 range until 2004 when I got a job in a call center, sitting down all day and drinking soda and snacking. I ballooned up.

I had always been unhappy with my weight, but not enough to make a change. I was always in fairly good health, even over weight, so the only reason I ever saw was to be small and attractive to the guys. And that never seemed like a good enough reason. I wanted a man who liked me for ME not because I was skinny and cute.

So I'd start a diet, lose a bit fall off the wagon, gain it back, and so on. I met my boyfriend online, he asked me out when i decided to move to a city about an hour and a half from his to attend school. He had an idea what I looked like but we had never met in person until the weekend after I had moved. We were already very close, spent crazy amounts of time on the phone or chatting online. After living an hour and a half away from him for four months I ended up moving to his city to complete my gen eds at the local community college while he finishes his degree.

I had always known that, physically, I was not his ideal; but had never really considered the implications. One day back in march I confronted him about our lackluster sex life, we'd discussed it lightly before and it was one excuse or another, his busy schedule left him too tired, or his frequent migraines or this or that. But i knew, KNEW there had to be something more because before I moved we were very active with phone sex etc.

So I pushed the subject and he finally confessed that he wasn't physically attracted to me. That he loves me with all his heart, and he doesn't care what I look like as long as I am happy, but sexually he isn't attracted to me. He said that he doesn't really care about sex, he had been celibate for over 5 yrs before we met, and that he would try to be in the mood more often because he knows that what I want.

It was a shock to my system, that maybe he doesn't care that I wasn't providing that attraction to him, but I sure did. I want to be cute and sexy for him. I want to be cute and sexy for myself too, but it had never given me that extra push to diet and exercise when I'd rather be on the couch vegging with junk food, but for him it did.

Hydra, thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement!

For me, it was seeing my vacation photos from this past summer. The scenery was gorgeous, and I would love to flaunt the pictures of the amazing trip, but I just can't because I look terrible. I'm determined to have pictures I can be proud of while I'm studying abroad in Australia next semester, so I can show everyone what an amazing time I'm having--In [hopefully] my amazing figure!

Seeing this picture of me at my birthday party in June. I'm the one on the right with the 450 calorie margarita. Lots of pictures that night & everyone wanted me to post on Facebook and I wouldn't dare.

My last straw came this morning when I faced the scale for the first time in months and saw that I had gained almost 15 lbs...I'm up to 165 and only 5'3" tall! I've been doing the usual excuses of my pants/jeans must have shrunk in the dryer, clothing sizes are running smaller but that number on the scale will forever be embedded in my mind. I'm so tired of being tired. Tired of not being able to go to events b/c I can't find anything in my closet that buttons. Tired of being fat! I used to be 137 lbs and looked and felt great. How did I get to this point? Anyways, I'm on a mission to get this weight off and mark my words, I will be 135 pounds in 2011! I'm sticking to calorie counting everything that goes into my mouth and abstaining from alcohol and all junk food. I never want to see the 160's again, I now weigh more than I did when I had each of my 3 kids!

I've had quite a few "last" straws, but the one that stands out most vividly in my mind is not being able to fit anything in my closet. It was about 6 months after having my 3rd child and I hadn't gone back to work yet so the only thing I ever really wore were sweats, baggy t-shirts, and maternity clothes. One particular night, my husband and I decided we were going to go out for the first time in ages. I literally spent 2 hours trying on everything in my closet trying to find something decent to wear and I could fit absolutely nothing. I remember sitting on the middle of my closet floor in tears. The very next day I went to the LA Weight Loss center and I was stunned when I stepped on the scale and realized how much I weighed.

I had a few "last straws." The first was when I had to go shopping for a nice pair of pants for family portraits. My biggest size, a 12, wouldn't even go past my thighs. 14, same. 16... I could barely get it buttoned, and when it did, the button ripped. I bought the 16, fixed the button and wore a loose shirt. I could barely sit down.
The next "last straw" came about because of the way I was losing weight. I had been purging nearly everything I ate for months. The last straw was my 5 year old, (then barely 4) came and knocked on the door, crying, because he was afraid of how sick I was. I cried and cried and cried, and told him I felt better, that I was ok. I decided to stop purging right then.
I gained back all the weight I lost through purging, and then some. The very LAST straw, the one that made me "see the light" so to speak, was when I could no longer fit ANY of my jeans. Even my fat jeans cut into my belly and left deep grooves. Everyone was joking with me, saying I must love to have my jeans tight 'cause that's all I wore. Yeah... not really. Then one day my mother in law told me she was down to a size 10 jeans. She's 4 inches taller, and over 20 years older than me, and she was at least 4 sizes smaller than me. That was it. I knew I had to change. I was tired of being so angry at myself for something I could control!

Having my newborn die in my arms!

I decided her death would not be in vain, if I couldn't help her be successful with her heart condition I WILL be successful in my journey! I will live my life to the fullest. I will be healthy. I will treasure every moment with the child I have left.

She would have been 6 months today.

"When you become a mother you stop being the picture and start being the frame"

JillyM

So sorry for your loss. Glad you are focusing on your health to get through it. Remember what you just said now when things get tough.

Hugs

Chest Pain
Stress Test
Aerobic Impairment

My kids need me. I can't have a heart attack before I am 40.

Stacy

My hubby, kids and I all went to play at a park together. I was swinging with the baby while my hubby took some pictures. Normally, I'm behind the camera (for a good reason). When I saw those pictures, I was mortified. I definitely didn't feel as big as I looked. That weekend, we went to a wedding for his boss. I was still so upset by those pictures, that I tried to avoid the camera anytime I saw it. I realized I was one of the biggest people there and hid behind my dh the entire time. I wouldn't even look anyone in the eye.

I knew then that I didn't want to live my life that way anymore. This isn't who I am. I used to be an outgoing and happy person...but now I'm hiding in corners and hoping I don't bump into anyone that used to know me when I was thinner. The day after the wedding, I started exercising and calorie counting and I haven't looked back.

Big hugs for everyone. There are some really heartbreaking stories on this thread.

My "last straw" came in 2 parts.

Part 1: Walked into a vintage shop and the woman working there said "You've gained some weight, haven't you?"

Part 2: Weighing myself after a weekend of BBQ and realizing I was almost back to square one, the "before" of my high school days. To this day I can't/won't even admit to myself that I was up to 158. The "154" in my S/C/G is a lie.

I think I had the opposite of anorexia in the sense that I never felt as fat as I looked. I had a body image of what I looked like when I was 50 lbs lighter.

For the longest time, when I would admit that I was overweight (but only slightly) I would think that it was just a temporary thing. I could lose the weight if I wanted, I just hadn't gotten around to it.

After a while of seeing pictures with my friends where they are all thin and at their ideal weight and here I am the "fat friend" I realized that this weight thing was not temporary. I never thought I would be the "fat friend."

But the pictures don't lie. I was the fat friend.

I also had PCOS, but I didn't know what that really meant. I start on my path to losing weight, especially after my doctor asked me to do it, but I wasn't losing weight. I tried so hard but nothing was happening and that's when I realized how hard this was going to be. It wasn't temporary. It wasn't going to be about just eating less and exercising more.

And that's when I became so humble about my own knowledge of dieting, exercise, nutrition, and being able to lose weight. I knew nothing. I had never worked at something so hard as I have for weight loss.

Each of those 20 lbs that I've lost so far have been HARD FOUGHT. They're never coming back.

In a positive way, I've also learned how PCOS can really make me sick and while I wish I had done this in my 20s, the fact of the matter is that I'm working on it now, instead of waiting for my 40s to work on it.

But I see now how I had to change my whole mind-set about food, my weight, my PCOS, and what I needed to do get this done. I couldn't procrastinate weight loss, I couldn't eat my cake and have it too, I couldn't wish the weight away. I have to work so hard for each pound that I lose.

I was in denial for a long time. But after so many pictures of myself at 195-200 lbs, I couldn't ignore what those pictures were saying.

Jilly, I am not sure whether you will revisit this thread.. Your post really struck a cord with me.. I am so sorry for what you are going through.. I lost my first born at one month old due to a heart condition as well..Unlike you this is when my weight gain started because I just didn't care about myself or what happened to me. I was going to send you a private message to offer support if you ever need someone to talk to but I don't think you can get PM's yet.. Please feel free to contact me if you would like... It has been 13 yrs for me since the loss of my son and I would be more happy to offer you my shoulder..

I love your quote at the end..............so very true!!

Rana, I ABSOLUTELY sympathize with this. I feel exactly the same way...my friends are gorgeous, and I was always the "curvy" one. But I started to realized that it's not really "curves" anymore...it's just fat I NEED to get down to my goal weight by February. I need to.