I'm beat ladies! This whole baby thing is wearing me out

He is a good little guy, it's just I'm not used to having to do all the little extras that come along with babies. My eating was been really bad today, I feel like it's starting to slip, and I want to gain control of it before it goes totally insane. It's so cold out that the thought of going out to the gym does not sound fun at all!!! I think I'm going to have to do another home workout. I'm missing my gym, but with the baby here it's just too hard this week. I'll muster up some motivation to get a workout in tonight though

I wish I understood my deal with food. It's like I can do so good for a few days and then it's like a dam opens and I want everything I know I shouldn't have. Seriously I'm starting to think that I know what an addict feels like. It's like food consumes my mind...I'm always thinking about it, and some days I can make good choices and some days I can't! I just want to have a normal relationship with food...eat my meals and then not think about what's next, or was that enough, am I full? I just have really bizarre thoughts when it comes to food. I hate that I let something like this control my life, it is slowly driving me insane. On my mom's side I'm the thinnest female, and I always hear comments like "oh your so skinny now" and " you need to eat more" I feel like saying if I ate how my brain wants me to eat I'd be 500 lbs!! I just don't know what to do anymore...everytime I think I have it under control it always comes sneaking back up on me to bite me in the arse!! I'm sick of it!!! I've tried talking to Kev about it, but he just doesn't get it. I don't think most people get food addiction. They think just don't eat, well that's like saying just don't shoot up with herion, ya know? If it were that easy nobody would be addicted to anything. I've talked to my obgyn also, and she doesn't seem to get it either. It's always getting linked with PMS, and true enough it's worse before TOM comes that is not the only time. I don't mean to unload this all on you guys, I mean I know that is what this is for, but still I know nobody can fix this but me. It just feels good to write it down, and maybe if any of you are going through, or have gone through this you could give me some advice. I don't want to live the rest of my life for food. I'm only 28 yrs. old, so I hope I can come to grips with this before my children start getting effected by my strange relationship with food. I don't want to pass this down to any of them, and dangit I've lost close to 65 lbs I should be proud of myself, but when I look in the mirror all I see is oh this looks too big, or this looks too flabby! I'm sick to death of comparing myself to every women who passes me by. Am I as big as her, is my butt smaller then that, how about my legs are they bigger....you all get the jist of it....I just want to be healthy! I want to look in the mirror and like what I see, I want to open the fridge to cook dinner without having a panic attack. I can't do this anymore. Okay again sorry for the ramble. After all that I'm going to start dinner, and get my workout in before I crash and burn for the night. Sorry about not getting to personals today, it's been a crazy one

Have a great night ladies~