Dagmar, don't stop posting about everything in your life! You always can talk about your eating triggers or just vent about anything you want to. That's the wonderful thing about 3FC -- there's always an ear to listen, a hand to pull you up, a shoulder to cry on, and lots of . Please don't ever feel like you have to censor yourself! We want you here with all of your good and bad experiences.

We almost got blown away yesterday -- the phone, Internet, and cable did -- but it's settled down a bit and now is going to just be cold. Brr!

Shannon, how is DH?

No, Dagmar, don't stop posting. I don't know your situation as well as other folks here--so I just was asking.

Jay

Dagmar - sometimes, my DW's more selfish impulses override her helpfulness too. In this situation, I have to be really direct. As in "Hi hon, the car broke down, listen, I know this is inconvenient, but I really need you to X". Not asking, not waiting for him to jump in and suggest it. And I think this actually started with a conversation we had where I said something like "Sometimes when things go wrong and I'm trying to take care of it, I feel like you don't support me with the help I need. I know that this might be because you don't know what I need, and I need to work on communicating that to you. So when we hit these situations again, I will try to ask you directly for what I need, and you can know that if I'm asking, I really, really need it". And then you follow through...only ask for help when you're really stuck, state what you need, and thank profusely for help.

Everyone is happier when expectations are clear, and if the plan is worked out ahead of time (the plan being "if I ask you, I really need you"), it's less likely to explode in the moment. And if you start this conversation and he isn't receptive, it sounds like you need to establish someone else to be your point-person for this kind of help, and also think about whether that is OK with you.

Shannon - any update?

Me - just freezing along here in the (for CA) cold. Getting the last of my Christmas canning done today (unmarmalade and apple butter) and maybe starting some of the barks, brittle, and candy that go into the baskets as well. And knitting!

Good morning... Not kidney stones for DH, diagnosed as 'musculoskeletal pain of indeterminate cause'. Hm. Third incident of 'muscle pain with no cause' in the last three years, so now we are wondering if we need to be looking at other things. He is at home today, was in some pretty serious pain once the percoset they gave him last night wore off,took some more meds before bed. They gave him prescriptions for Percoset, Naprosyn & Flexoril. I left him asleep when I went to work, figured it was better to leave him sleeping than to wake him up. He called when he got up and around, had taken the Naprosyn, still sore, was going to eat and then take the other two. I'm seriously sleepy - we were in the ER until 9, then in his stoned state (from the two Percoset at the ER) wanted Mexican food so we got dinner, then I dropped him off at home and got his prescriptions filled. Back home around 11, in bed by 12. Took the pounding work being done on the house next door at 7am (!!!!!) as a sign that I needed to get up and exercise, so I did my LB workout from yesterday this morning. Woohoo. Thanks again Pat - I pulled up one of your workouts, so didn't have to think about one again. Planning a run at the park after work if DH is okay.

Dagmar - don't stop posting about things, that is what we are here for! I post about relationship stuff all the time, obviously. Really, interpersonal relationships are very often eating triggers for lots of people...

Meg - cold & windy here today, too. I'm still planning my run for this afternoon, though the weather says it will be sunny & 43-45, will feel like 32-35 with the wind. Glad you guys didn't get blown away!

Jessica - hope the wrist feels better soon. The job shadowing sounds pretty cool! I saw somewhere that you guys did Ruth's Chris for your DH's company dinner - we are actually going there for our office lunch on Monday. I've never been there either, but DH loves it.

Jay - I'm pretty independent myself, but I would have expected a DH or partner in that situation to at least offer to help, even if I declined the offer and kept doing what I was doing.

Amanda - your post came in while I had my answer in progress... I never think about California being cold, but I guess you have winter there, too! Wow - you are making a lot of stuff for baskets. I wish I was creative and could make things like that. It sounds cool.

Good day everyone! I'm going to sit in front of my space heater in my cold office and try not to fall asleep before lunch time.

Dagmar, don't stop posting! Yes, this is a weight loss maintenance-focuses forum, but we're all friends and want to hear about the things going on in our lives. Especially if they cause us to eat, or skip workouts, or ... etc. I think Amanda's suggestion of how to talk to DH about this sounds very reasonable.

Shannon, I hope DH is ok. Keep us informed. (ETA - Shannon, we must have posted at the same time. I'm glad DH is alright, but hope it isn't indicative of anything more serious!)

Today was our annual "pack test" for fire training. 25 lb weighted vest, 2 miles, 30 minutes or under, walking not running, requirement in order to be allowed to help with prescribed burns. I've been doing this for 4 years now, so it's become my "annual reminder" of what it's like to carry around extra weight (somehow carrying around dumbbells and weight plates in the gym doesn't evoke the same feelings). For me, I carried 50 lbs (2 weighted vests) above what I weigh now when I was 15 years old. It's amazing how you're walking as fast as you possibly can during the test, huffing and puffing and sweating, and you genuinely cannot move faster (even if we were allowed to run - ouch to the knees - I don't think I could move faster). The extra weight makes such a difference. We're giving our bodies a wonderful gift, everyone, by keeping this weight off of ourselves!

Well done last night, Shannon! Glad DH doesn't have kidney stones but, hmm, wonder what's causing this.

Dagmar - belated I agree that direct requests work well. That's how we operate in this household and we also sometimes say to one another 'I can't read your mind'. (Clearly, sometimes it's possible but not accurately very often IMHO.)

Shannon, it's good that DH doesn't have kidney stones but it doesn't sound like you have much in the way of answers. How frustrating! You're my hero for getting up and exercising after a night in the ER!

I'm home from mattress shopping and am seriously confused. All I know for sure is that every mattress I tried is a lot more comfortable than what we currently have. I found a Simmons that felt great but got lousy reviews on the Internet for sagging after six months. I also loved a Serta Perfect Day but it's almost twice as expensive. Off to do more research.

Megan, my version of your pack test is toting 31 pound pails of kitty litter up the stairs. Honestly, I don't think I could walk up the stairs with four pails. You are so right that keeping the weight off is a wonderful gift!!

Just wanted to say that I agree with Amanda's take on it. In my long experience, mind reading does not work in relationships.

Also, expecting people to change to match an ideal, without expressing what it is one wants, doesn't work well either.

If I need something, I usually say so. I guess that's because for most of my life, I have always had to solve my own problems. Although my partners have often asked if there's something they can do to help, it doesn't occur to me that they "should" ask.

In fact, sometimes it seems like just a societal convention. The other day I was putting back some decorative brickwork around the base of the house after the plumber left. This meant being on my knees down on the ground and lifting 8 pound concrete bricks while bent over. My partner offered to help. Well, because of arthritis, she can't even get down on her knees comfortably. So, I took it as a kind gesture but nothing more.

People just see these things in different ways, I guess. But I think being explicit is the best strategy.

Megan, I am in awe of your pack test!

Shannon, that is weird about your husband's pain... Must be muscle spasms of some kind.

Jay

Dagmar,
I also agree with Amanda. The more I thought about what you had said (Dagmar) the more I kept thinking... they can't read our minds. So many times we want them to and we get mad when they don't, but they really can't. So if we are upfront with what we need and expect we might get more positive results.

Something like this occurred earlier this week with dh and I am somewhat happy with the way it was resolved. Dh asked me by email if I wanted to go to a Christmas party Saturday night at someone's house he works with. I replied that it was over an hour away, it doesn't start until 7 pm (I have to get up at 5:30 Sunday to work) and it is supposed to be very rainy so I wasn't sure if it was a good idea. Dh got bent out of shape and said we had to go. I got grouchy and asked why he asked me if I didn't have a choice.

Anyway... we both calmed down and looked at it rationally. I told him if he really wanted to go we would but could we not stay too long, and could he limit his drinking (I don't drink but I have a hard time driving at night). He came to the conclusion that we could actually miss the party so I was glad it came from him. I had made the offer and even said I would pick up a hostess gift to bring so he appreciated that I wasn't just saying no. I suggested that we have a date night Saturday night and go somewhere local and he seemed receptive to that. I think after 22 years of marriage we (most of the time) have things figured out without pushing each other's buttons!

Dagmar - don't go away! We'd miss you. I'm sure we all have issues with our spouses/partners from time to time, and sometimes the advice to you or others is very helpful. I also know that eating was my drug of choice when DH and I had some problems. to you. And I understand that you "knew" how your DH was going to respond and then got even angrier when he met your expectations. I like Amanda's script a lot, especially when you've both calmed down and can discuss it in a non-adversarial setting.

Shannon - glad there's no kidney stones, but perhaps a follow-up visit with a doctor on what's going on? Happy to share the exercises! I'm going for a second 6 months so I'll share them from the beginning this time.

Back on the DH issues, my DH recently got hearing aids. He is in the process of having them "tweaked" (these are the super small programmable ones, nearly invisible). He has complained for several years that I mumbled, but when he could no longer hear other women's voices, and had to turn up the TV and stereo, and then 2 male friends advised him to have his hearing checked, he finally went. The fact that I had told him quite some time before they did made absolutely no impression. I think he's convinced to keep them - they really do help in a lot of situations. Of course, they're quite expensive, and insurance only pays a little bit. He - and I - have to be convinced that he'll wear them enough to warrant the expense.

It's still cold here - was zero F/-18C - when I got up this morning. No more snow in the forecast though, in fact supposed to be clear and sunny for the weekend (which also means cold).

Thank you everyone. DH and I both come from very dysfunctional families and have had very odd partners in the past.

We really don't know how to communicate with each other in a calm rational manner. Yelling, sulking, arguing, repeat. Then stomping off, me to eat and he to drink. That's our basic adversarial communication.

Amanda, I have printed out your "script" and will use it (in my own words) on the weekend to try to start solving what has been a big problem for DH and myself - reciprocal support.

I reread my posts and I realize that the holiday stress has made me a bit kookier than usual too. Sorry!

Dagmar (I am calm and assertive, I am calm etc.)

Dagmar -

I'm lying on the couch watching the end of Harry Potter & The Half Blood Prince. DH is lying down listening to music upstairs. He is still pretty stoned, an still in a lot of pain, unfortunately. He pulled his tv tray in toward himself at dinner and even that hurt like heck. I'm pretty tired, but have to stay up until 11:30 - some packages got delivered to DH's office today and a coworker is bringing them by on the way home. He swears he is working tomorrow, but I don't see that happening.

Missed a few posts earlier somehow...

Jay - DH and I were talking about muscle spasms last night. I need to look up some info on those as well. All I know now is that muscle spasms are what have caused Chipper Jones to miss the games he's missed. On the offering help topic, I'm a do things myself person, too, and typically decline the offer of help, but I get miffed if people don't ask. Kind of silly on my part sometimes, really.

Megan - wow, still reeling at your pack test. Sounds like the things my beat friend is doing now in his fireman training.

Pat - ah, you decided to re-up the PN program? I was wondering what you decided. I have enjoyed your workouts so far. I have several individual exercises written down from the first half, including the iron cross and the walking lunge w/ contralateral press. I remember them fondly.

I like the silk nog, especially after I liberally top it with nutmeg & penzy's cinnamon. Real egg nog just isn't 130 (or more depending on brand) calories better than this was. And, no slimey egg nog tongue.

Wish me luck tomorrow (Friday). I got a call that there was a cancellation so I'm going in to have surgery on the skin cancer on my leg. I am trying not to be anxious but I'm anxious!! I'm nervous about the surgery even though I know it is minor....... off to take a bath to try to relax before bed....

THe good thing Michele is that you don't have a lot to time to get too worrried. I'm sure it will be fine, but good luck and a big

Interesting about the silk nog Shannon. I don't much like commercial eggnog, and nobody does the homemade stuff anymore due to samonella scares. If this doesn't have the slimy texture I might like it - it's the texture I object to. I do really like eggnog lattes - and have them with 1/2 eggnog and 1/2 skim milk. I allow myself 2 a season. I've had one and it was delish!

I've hit the wall after being up with an adreneline hit in the middle of last night. I fell asleep watching the 6:00 news! I'll never make it to the 10 pm news. In fact I may go to bed when I finish here. DH has his last class tonight, and doesn't usually get homre from it till after 9:30. The cats, of course, have already gone to bed.