Feeling a bit down today. I am really sore today from the upper body workout the other night where I increased the weight, and the scale is up yet again. Monday I was at 216.7, this morning it's 218.7. Every day since Monday I've been in the 217s, 218s or 219s. I know it's water weight from the workouts (the running, the increased weight) as I've been on track with food as usual (daily calories have averaged 1253 since Monday), but it's still depressing. If I know why the scale is up, why is it bothering me? I don't want to not meet my weekly goal tomorrow, and I'm irritated because as of the beginning of the week I HAD already met it (with the whoosh on Monday). And I was excited about getting down another 5 lbs or so before I travel to a conference in a few weeks, where I'll see a bunch of colleagues that I only see once every year or two, and I wanted to look good for the trip. And I REALLY want to meet my Independence Day goal of 210, because that will give me a fighting chance to get to onderland before my birthday, a goal I've had in mind for months. I was on track to do all that until this week, and it's frustrating to feel like that forward progress stalled briefly. Again, I know I haven't gained weight, and I'm ok with daily fluctuations - I expect them. So why is this week bothering me when I don't normally worry about these stalls due to exercise, TOM or whatever?
Sorry, I'm really just venting, and I know the number on the scale isn't the best measure of progress. I have measured myself, and all that, but my measurements seem to change pretty slowly so they are really only useful every few weeks. I just want to reach the goals I've set because I feel like they're reasonable targets, and I work hard and work consistently to reach them. Sorry to be a downer, I'm just frustrated today. I don't need advice (I already know why this shouldn't bother me), just a moment to vent and a hug. Just ignore me.
Edit: I was thinking through this some more, and realized that a part of the reason I'm so focused on numbers on the scale is that for me, I'm not just doing this to get healthier. That is, or has become, a big part of it, but what started me on this journey is that my husband and I have been actively trying to get pregnant for well over a year (17 months) and have been unable to do so. The endocrinologist and my OB/GYN both told me in January, after we'd been trying for a year, that the reason I wasn't getting pregnant was due to my weight, and hearing that devastated me and prompted this weight loss effort. For a variety of reasons, including my menstrual history when I wasn't nearly as overweight (I've had problems with my cycle since it first began), I believe my weight is only one factor in my infertility, but until this weight is gone I feel like I won't be able to get anyone to pay attention to the other issues (hormonal ones that have been there since I was in my early teens) that are impacting my ability to conceive. I feel daily like time is running out... I will be 33 this summer, and if I want to have a child and need fertility treatment to do it, I don't have much time left. After what happened this month with my husband, I have put the focus on conceiving on hold for a few months to lessen the stress in his life for a bit - he has enough to worry about at the moment without a wife who is stressing over not being able to figure out when she's ovulating, when sex would be most likely to result in conception, and crying every month when it doesn't happen. But we plan to re-focus again in August, and I really, really want to have made the kind of progress I need to in order to get my OB/GYN to stop stalling on sending me to the fertility clinic until I've lost more weight. I am working so hard at this, and it's my own fault for ever letting my weight get to where it was, but I don't think that sin should prevent me from getting all the help I need in order to have a child.
Anway, I know this isn't the place for all of this, and I am sorry for dumping it all out here. Please do just ignore me; I will be back to normal tomorrow.
Rainbow - I do love the song
