Tuesday morning, at 157.1, and my ankles are still puffy and retaining fluid.

Yesterday the two managers above me -- my manager and her manager -- were angry about the amount of influence the petite French woman was having on my project, and her rounds of feedback. This is political. I'm in a delicate position, where I can't really fend her off, because I want to work for her eventually, but they want me to, because they want to lay claim to the project and guard it from being taken over.

And my lawyer will talk with me today about my deposition, planned for next Monday.

My ankles are all puffy too, saef. It's the heat mostly. Good luck with la française and the politics of it all.

An afternoon of putting up plasterboard in my dad's workshop awaits. (Plasterboard could be drywall in your language - not sure.) The DB and I took down the old stuff yesterday - filthy job but we're learning a lot. Bought a circular saw which opens up a summer of projects. We love this kind of thing. And my arms are looking good on it! Wish I could say the same about below the waist where it's all ...

Too hot here.

It's called the "menopot" and almost all women get it during menopause. I read that in a doctor's account of her own experience with menopause. She dieted and exercised relentlessly to try to get rid of it but a small belly remained.

I'm kind of fond of mine now, particularly since there are solid abs above it and underneath it.

Dagmar

Saef, I've been in a similar position and it is very difficult. Good luck, and with the deposition.

Michelle, yes - probably too hard on myself. As I get older I have become less of a perfectionist in general, but when it comes to our critter patients I still give myself zero forgiveness for mistakes. Re the destroyed samples: some of them have come back! Some have not. Right now I'm trying to decide whether to gamble on the remaining untested samples for the summer research student, or to do a more basic and less interesting project with him.

Eating was better yesterday (mostly) after that bad weekend, despite a ridiculously busy work day. I did have two pumpkin cookies, but it was at the end of 12 hours without food and I just couldn't wait for the very late dinner I was going to have.

I'm glad that at least some of the samples are salvageable!

I was thinking about perfectionism at bikram yoga today. I went this morning knowing I was planning on going back for a second class this afternoon. I knew I should not push myself, but there were only 3 ladies there, so I felt I had to push myself and not slack off at all. I was thinking that I really can't half a** most things in my life... it's all or nothing. I'm trying to ramp up my fitness until my trip in a month, because I want to look better and be more fit. Since I'm not working until the beginning of August, I have more time for now. After yoga, I came home and did a workout for the challenge I'm in, then went to the gym and did 45 minutes on the elliptical. Came home for lunch and have chilled since. Going to the second bikram class soon and hoping I give myself permission to take it easy if need be!

With the temperature hitting 122 yesterday I totally lost all motivation to go home and do my workout. Today, the temperature will be the same so I hope I won't lose motivation again. I suppose I could wake up and work out in the morning, but I'm already getting up at 4:30 for work and just can't fathom getting up any earlier. It's all I can do to not fall asleep in front of my computer in the afternoon as it is. Weight still stuck.

Wednesday morning, waking up overtired and feeling existential despair.

Unsurprisingly, weight at 147.9, since during my discussion with my lawyer yesterday, out on the patio adjacent to my apartment, I was wearing shorts, mostly to show the scarring and discoloration still extant from the accident, and could see that I had no ankle bones whatsoever. My lawyer asked me nicely if I'd had trouble keeping my weight down since the accident.

The despair was due to my presenting to the Frenchwoman and the head of the department, an ebullient Scotsman, both of whom I hope to work for -- and I couldn't talk. I hadn't thought of a talk track for all of the slides I'd been so diligently preparing. I had no ease, and the Frenchwoman at one point warned me about time because I'd lingered too long on a single sliding, reading off items. My only comfort is that they felt the material was comprehensive. And I've course-corrected -- I know what I ought to do with the introductory section.

In the gym this morning thinking I feel like someone throwing herself repeatedly against a locked steel door that doesn't budge.

Allison, I've got that pudge thing too. Although I've always been fairly wide (hips/shoulders), I used to be quite small when turned sideways. I'm having a bit of trouble accepting that change.

Sometimes it seems that income and cash outflows are like biorhythms - separate traces that intersect here or there, and occasionally at the peaks or valleys. Currently in a low - my income is zero, and we are getting our furnace, air conditioner and water heater replaced in one fell swoop. Oh, and the washer has also developed what, per YouTube's repair experts, is a catastrophic bearing wear. Arrrrrrgh. And DS17's graduation open house is the weekend after this one. I'm hearing cash registers in my somewhat-disturbed sleep. This is a temporary unease - I know this - but it's magnified my appetite by quite a bit. I need to invoke different outlets.

Allison, 122 degrees? Isn't that what it's supposed to be in Death Valley? Is that temperature survivable if you're outside? Does 100% of the local population have access to air conditioning at all times? And does a/c actually work to keep an interior below 80 if it's that hot outside? It's hard for this northeasterner to wrap her head around that number ...

Saef, please please don't be so hard on yourself. I know; I'm one to talk. It's easy to dish out advice that's very hard to follow. But I'm sure that your slides were presentation-worthy even if your words weren't perfect, and I bet they heard your expertise on the material even if you weren't ideally eloquent.

Michele, 4 workouts in one day? You certainly deserve to relax a little today.

I'm back at the hospital with my MIL - chest pain, may be a heart attack. Waiting for 10:15 to retest cardiac enzymes. DH is home with DSS, as we have him tonight. It seems lately that everything that happens hits on the days we have him, and he isn't with us a lot in the big picture. He's a little freaked out about it and asked me before I left if him being at our house was making granny sick. DH also has a recurrence of his chronic pain symptom right now so can't easily drive long distances, and the ER is over an hour from our house. I swear, I had just gotten back on track from the last round of hospital three weeks ago.

I'm so sorry, Shannon. It seems like it's one thing after another for you. Saying prayers and sending hugs.

I did! Only two workouts today 😉

Saef, Death Valley that day was 127. Yesterday we "only" got up to 117. As far as I'm concerned, anything below 110 is tolerable. After that you just don't spend much time outside. It's also why we switch to summer hours at work--6 AM to 2:30 PM to avoid the hottest part of the day (4 PM) and why we have heat exhaustion warning meetings for the guys.

Oh, Shannon, hugs. Hope your MIL will be okay--and hugs for your DSS, too, that is a tough burden.

Thursday, at 157.4. Stalled in traffic this morning by an accident, wishing I could get out of the car and walk off into the woods adjacent to the road, which smelled wonderfully summery, and just skip going to work.

Yesterday got a little better as the day proceeded. The petite Frenchwoman sent me an email telling me the position had posted and that I should apply through our system. I chose to see this as an encouraging sign, and I immediately followed up with my resume. Also, I was glad to see that the HR partner who works with that department in hiring/recruiting is a friend of mine. She used to work with me when I made my hires. I gave her a heads-up that I'd applied as well.

Also I got a hug from the head of that division, who introduced me to a newly hired VP for another department. I also choose to take this as good sign.

But I have a long day ahead of me, including struggling with our new "continuous performance feedback" software system to enter what is the equivalent of midyear ratings for all of my team members, and write up my own activities for my own performance assessment.

MIL is back home, with a pleurisy diagnosis. Her cardiac enzymes and EKG all looked fine so they didn't think heart attack. This isn't what has caused the weakness and dizziness that put us in the hospital three weeks ago, so that is still out there on the horizon.

I'm tired today. Whew.

DSS is also worried about our senior cat. This morning he asked me if he was going to see Gracie on Friday, I told him I didn't see why not and he said "well, she's old so you never know". I suspect that was some Gracie and some Granny worry.