Your story is similar to mine, especially the part where each time I tried to lose weight I tended to stick with the plan for shorter periods of time. The change for me was when I finally decided that I wasn't going to be in a rush to lose the weight and I was just going to try to make small changes, a little at a time and only things I could live with forever. In doing so, I have lost 65 pounds over the last three years, 25 of which I've lost since January at a rate of a pound a week.

Too many people make themselves follow "diets" that don't allow them to enjoy food as they did before and where they feel deprived all the time. This is not something you will be able to live with and you will always end up going back to your old habits. My feeling is that I will try to make better eating choices as often as I can, but I will not deny myself anything if I really want it. If I want a McD's QPC, I eat it. If I want ice cream, I eat it. I try to space out those choices so I'm not eating those types of things on the same day. If I want to eat a little more for a few days, if I decide to eat out and eat more calories, then I accept that I am choosing that and in doing so I realize I may not lose any weight that week. It's all about choices. Too often when you are following a "diet" you don't feel you have any choices. But when you decide to follow a healthier eating plan for life, you realize that in real life you will want to choose to sometimes eat something that isn't so healthy and THAT'S OK! In real life, you usually will have some days that you will eat more calories and some days you will eat less. If you are trying to lose weight, you need to try to have more "less" days. If you are trying to maintain, you need to balance out the "more" and "less" days.

If you truly want to lose the weight for good, then you'll make changes you can live with and maybe accept that the weight loss will be slower but it will more likely be permanent.

My mom used to always chide me to "find a happy medium." I was always one thing, or very much the other. I still am. My weight loss comes in spurts of willpower emerging as if from nowhere to carry me on a cloud for a couple of weeks of easy, miraculous dieting and exercise. I have energy and bounds and cravings for the healthiest foods. Then I don't anymore--I go out to eat with my boyfriend on the weekend, and I can't order a salad I have to have a burger, and then I want to munch all night and all weekend and for the next week and then in two weeks I'm climbing back on the scale weighing in right back at 194 or 196, where I've started a thousand times before.
I've seen people on this site say "you have to COMMIT! you can't rely on willpower." but how do you commit? How do you force yourself to eat healthily and go to the gym on days you REALLY want to lay around taking naps, reading and eating little chocolates until your bed covers are mostly obscured from sight by a blanket of shiny foil candy wrappers.
Sometimes it feels like shoving with all your might against a mountain, and knowing that the mountain is never going to move, and you might as well just sit down and eat. But this site is proof that there are those who have moved mountains. So that proves to me I'm wrong. I just need to figure out what's right.
But I guess that's all any of us are trying to do?

I have/had similar thoughts but by the time I came across this (it was on a now off-the-air tv show on Food Network called Cooking Thin) I had already started making small changes and the timing was perfect. I was in a place where I was ready to do 'more' but not ready to dive into some big, complicated, life-changing plan. It was eventually life-changing none the less. Just in a much less "TODAY IS THE DAY" way.

Ok, no scolding yourself like a dog now! You are absolutely going to find that middle ground because you can tell with the language you are using describing what you think is the 'right' way that you can't sustain that.

Here's a thought for you that I just recently used. I was pretty far off the healthy eating track most of the winter. I woke one morning and the jeans that always fit were REALLY tight and that was the day I said "I'm going back to my 5 point plan for a week". That's all I said I was going to do. Not that I was never going to let that happen again, not that I was going to be clean as a whistle until every ounce was gone, none of that. Just I'm going to do it for the next week. Then I decided I would do it for 4 weeks. I had to do one of those weeks over again but I did that. Now I'm pretty much back on track and some of the weight has come off. There is still some to go but honestly if I had said to myself I had to be clean for the whole summer or forever or whatever, my all-or-none would've won because I just couldn't muster THAT much energy. I could do the 1 week commitment though. Now I'm doing a lot more exercise than just some and I'm doing a lot more than one good/better/best choice a day and things are rolling along. But if I had a bad day tomorrow but still managed that one choice I'd still be on plan.

Would love to hear your points plan if you decide that's the route to go! I'd really love to hear about any rewards you decide to use because that's always a hard one for me to come up with.

Peg

Tina,

excellent advice. That makes a lot of sense. I also need to just stop being in such a rush to lose weight. It's the frantic-ness of how I apporach this that makes me end up bingeing, feeling like i failed and leads to me quitting. I feel like I just HAVE to lose weight ASAP so I can start living my life. Which I've come to realise that way of thinking just leaves me older, heavier, and more depressed. If I don't start living my life NOW i will end up letting the time I have pass me by and that scares the crap outta me.

What were some of the little things that you started doing when you began?

I would throw out there that you can't shove a mountain but you can move that sucker one shovel load at a time. If you choose baby steps and keep adding them up pretty soon you'll find that you've built yourself a big 'ole scooper truck that you really can use to start moving that mountain but those baby steps can't all be put to use on day 1. You have to build the thing a little piece at a time so you make sure you have the right parts in the right place. Too many of us try to get into one of those giant mining earth movers before we know how to dig a hole with a shovel.

Ok, I think the hormones have run amok and I'm talking like some sort of construction dude! LOL Maybe the visual will help though!

Peg

If you are comfortable sharing, what sorts of things do you think you would do to 'start living'?

Peg

Great thread. I haven't read all the responses, so I am sorry if I repeat someone.

Amen. I've done both before. Trying to do everything perfectly until I set myself up for a binge. Then, I'd torture my body. This method never got me to a healthy BMI or to my healthy weight to beat off diseases such as heart disease, diabetes, cancer, etc. etc. Now, I've allowed myself to be obese for so many years, my skin lost its elasticity. I had my gallbladder removed because of stringent dieting; I was sick of being obese and health wasn't my primary focus. My perfectionism made my hair fall out due to the fact I wasn't eating enough protein or calories. It was the starvation and binge cycle. It is no way to live. Perfectionism has kept me stuck for years. We all have to take it minute by minute. If you messed up your daily caloric intake, then all is not lost. After the feeding frenzy you can choose to get back on the horse. Losing weight is simple not easy.

As far as commitment is concerned: this too we need to take minute by minute. We need to put our big girl panties on and suck it up. At times it is painful, hard, it sucks turning down foods at times when everyone is scarfing them around you. At one time we ate whatever we wanted...it is what put us in this situation. The food will always be there--it is not going anywhere.

It took me two months to stop bingeing on a daily basis. Remember, try buying your health back once it is gone. I used to be all or nothing. Now, I view it as a marathon. Some miles are really easy and other miles will test everything in our being to see how bad we want it. I will never--one day out of my life--think that I will have beat this issue. It will always be a part of me. I think it does come down to how much you really love yourself. How much do you want to change for a better life? Will you regret not doing it when you are 65? What are you missing out on now due to the excess weight? This is not a dress rehersal. How bad do you want it? The roadblocks are there to show us how much we want it. We take each obstacle one at a time.

There is a way that honestly will work for you...your job is to figure out what it is....there are hundreds of ways to lose weight. You need to devise a plan that will work for you. It is doable. You aren't alone.

I completely identify with your comments.

I think for me, it is tied up into some of the shame I feel in letting myself get as fat as I have. How could I have been so disconnected with my body? The perfectionism for me comes into play as my answer to that disconnection.

I certainly can relate to what you're saying here, I've been there, and have moments when I move back into that groove.

I loved the comment (betterhealth3) we need to put on our big girl panties, because that's essentially what I've been saying to myself lately.

I see part of it, the eating and exercise, as getting into a mindset and a groove. When it becomes a habit to go to the gym, the willpower part does not become the commanding force, you just do it as part of your life. Ditto with the food. Get in the mindset, get in the groove. Part of that mindset is my finding the maturity to realize that I need to take responsibility for my eating and exercise, for the shape my body is in, and what I want my life to be like.

For me, it definitely has been small steps that I've built on. I've built up on the exercise, and kept modifying what I was eating. For a while, I let myself eat ice cream every Friday (ha) until I had to say to myself it was interferring too much with my goals, and I let it go. It was more frustrating not seeing my weight go down than pleasurable to eat that ice cream.

everybody has their own reasons for eating, and their own habits, that's why it's such a personal kind of effort, I think. though I relate to so much of what people say here at 3FC.

that comment resonates with me as well because I see my "weak" side as my childish side. The side of me that just wants to do what I want to do when I want to do it and not care about anything at all. It's the little 6 year old in me stomping her feet saying "but I don't feel like going to the gym" or throwing a tantrum and saying "I want pizza! I want pizza!" I need to be more adult about this whole thing, approach it more sensibly and well thought out, find a balance.

p7eggyc--I understand what you mean, and it really helps to put things in perspective. when my best friend started rehab, her aunt (who had been through similar programs, had similar drug problems) told her: It's five minutes at a time. Not one day at a time, they say one day, but it's a struggle every five minutes of your life. So you say to yourself, 'I'll get high (eat cake) in five minutes." And when five minutes comes you say, "I'll get high (eat cake) in five minutes." And you just keep doing that all day. You just never get up in five minutes and go do it. And you never tell yourself you can't.

And I guess that will have to be my method in weight loss, because for me it's very much like beating an addiction. I feel as if I cannot resist my body's temptation to eat. I have to give in to that willful, stubbon child that wants to eat til she's sick. But she's making me fat, so I've got to kick this addiction, one shovelful at a time.

dragonwoman64 & Fox--I totally agree! I have to pull my big girl panties up and get on with it, whether I want to or not. I just need to learn how to make (seemingly) difficult decisions in my own better interest.

I started the "life change" in June 2006. The first small change was that for the summer I would just try to eat less. I didn't change what I was eating but just tried to reduce my portions and eat less. For instance, I still kept going to McDonald's like I usually did but instead of getting the QPC value meal I would just get a regular cheeseburger and small fries. I made the same meals for dinner but I would just try to serve myself a smaller portion than I was previously eating. Just that small change helped me to lose about 5-7 pounds that summer. Then in the fall I decided to start exercising again. So in the past I would start gung ho and exercise every day for 45-60 minutes and quickly get burned out. This time I just started 3 days a week walking for 30 minutes. I did that for a few weeks and then upped it to 40 minutes 3-4 days a week and then upped it to 5 days a week. Then I started trying to make more changes with the eating, making healthier choices, cutting back on fast food, etc.

The key is that I never tried to do everything all at once as I had done in the past. I just knew my failure rate was high when I cut back drastically on food and exercised like crazy right away from the start. Slowing introducing the changes made it easier to live with. That being said, my weight loss was slow and I had to accept that I would only be losing about a pound a week at most. The other thing I was very good with was accepting that my ultimate goal is maintenance so as long as I am losing or maintaining, that is what I am looking for. From June 2007 to Dec. 2008, I didn't lose any weight. But I maintained my previous year's weight loss the whole time. I decided to go back to trying to lose this past January and so far have lost 25+ pounds mainly by increasing my exercise time and intensity. I know how I am with food and it is a mistake for me to cut back too much in that area as it is not something I can stick with for long. So in order to lose a pound a week, I have to increase the exercise. My feeling is at this point I am getting close to a healthy weight and although I have the ultimate goal of reaching 145-150 to finally have a BMI in the healthy range, as long as I at least maintain my current weight, that would be acceptable.

I have the same issue. My downfall is if I don't think I can give it my all I just don't try. Like for instance if I know I am going out to dinner with friends tomorrow night rather than get in the mindset that I am going out to dinner and eating healthy I will just use that as my excuse to eat whatever I want with the reasoning that I will start the day after. Of course those day afters never seem to come around because there is always some reason in the not too distant future that I have to eat.

Well, even though I know it's ridiculous, that I could do all these things NOW....like dancing at a club, getting my belly button pierced, go shopping for clothes and actually care about my appearance, go tanning, have a spa day....

And, there are the emotional/psychological things
I wouldn't get upset or feel insecure if my husband looked at another woman, or I would suddenly feel so much more confident and outgoing. I've realized that this is crap because I would STILL be the same person inside, just smaller and healthier. Maybe a bit wiser for my experiences, but I wouldn't just suddenly BE this secure, trusting, confident, outgoing, sex goddess either, lol. And my husband, like all other men, would still be a perv So I know I need to get COMFORTABLE in my skin the way it is at the moment and learn to love myself now so I can start taking better care of me.

That is a really good idea! Letting yourself have that one treat on a friday, makes you feel better in the beginning and doesn't make you feel deprived....and then later on when you start getting more serious you actuallty make the choice to let it go because you would rather see your weight go down. I think that would work for me!