There are times when I wish as hard as I can that people like him get everything they well deserve in the end.

I'm fuming and I wasn't even there! Since when has it ever been okay to go up to anyone and tell them something about them physically unless it's that they have TP stuck to their shoe? Even then you're supposed to be discreet and respectful! Gah! I'm so angry I can't even type straight >_<


Yeah. Hate it! That comment always stinks of "... if only...." If only what? If only I could live up to your standards? If only anyone who hears that comment would say "I am a pretty person, thank you!"

Wow - rudeness abounds.

I'm a curious what kind of event requires a dress to approved by a committee?

Shane, I cannot BELIEVE how rude that man was!!!!! Good for you for standing up and saying what you did. No wonder he's been married 7 times. I'm sure nobody would put up with him for long!

I have to confess that I might occasionally see a heavier person eating some unhealthy food and think about how I might like to help them, but in the "I've been there and I feel my quality of life has improved so much now that I want to help their QOL improve too." But I would never, ever say something out loud to them, b/c I don't know their reasons surrounding their weight (medical, emotional trauma, medications that might be causing weight gain, etc etc) and as everyone's already said comments are not wake-up calls, they're just hurtful. I've also experienced plenty of those hurts in my lifetime. And I certainly occasionally overeat, too, even at my maintenance weight. Who knows, this woman could have said "If I lose 50 lbs, I can eat some doughnuts, and then I'll lose another 50" - you just don't know with a stranger. Perhaps their QOL is great already. Who knows. That man is so rude!

And I get ticked off when people criticize what I'm eating, as everyone in the maintainers forum knows, so I wouldn't dream of critizing what others are eating!

Allison, I'd agree with what's been suggested - get your daughter to try on the dress (tell her she should plan out her accessories or something) and then follow her lead.

OMG If I were that girl, those comments wouldn't "inspire" me in any way, shape or form. It would make me want to #1) Just squash the guy who said it, I mean literally just sit on and suffocate him and #2) Head back to the counter and order more donuts to bury my misery and embarrassment. I would've probably been running out the door crying too. What a total jerk! I think you did good for saying something to her for tempering his incredibly rude comments. I almost can't believe there are jerks that can be so hurtful and act like it's okay because they're "trying to help"

What a piece of This man is obviously has a serious "I" problem and thinks it's his place to judge everyone. I hope you are charging him double for "hazard pay" for having to put up with his crap.

OMG Nicole, I am still laughing so hard I can hardly type!!

It is tough sometimes though not to want to let people know there are places like 3FC because your heart just aches for them when you can see they aren't happy but don't know how to get started - just this week I was behind a woman at the grocery store. Another pretty face and very young (OK well, younger than me - anything under 40 seems very young to me ) but wide enough to have to do a little manuvering to fit through the checkout lane. What she was buying was ice cream, cookies, one of those breakfast cereals whose first ingredient is sugar, a frozen cheesecake and all different kinds of candy - including the entire display box of Reeses cups she pulled off the rack on her way into the line. Then there among all this "stuff" was a half gallon of nonfat milk! I almost wanted to cry. I really wanted to figure out a way to start a conversation so I could mention how great it is to have a resource like this but I just knew that, even though I am still pretty large myself, any comment from me standing there with my fresh tomatos and bag of raw almonds would come across as self righteous and probably just make her eat all those Reeses in the car on the way home. I'm really hoping she was hosting a party for some kids and the only thing she was going to partake of was the milk but somehow I don't think so.

I too think it rude...and also, your comment "And YOU do have a pretty face", like the rest of her is ugly. You could have said "And you are pretty"

I don't ever think it's right for another to say anything to anyone about their weight or anything else. People know they are overweight, come on. I would have went further though and stopped that client in his tracks, moeny or not. That was soooo totally rude and none of his business.

Off to read the rest of the responses.

OMG Shantroy! How appalling!

Shane, I am so sorry you have to work with that guy, but I hope your kind words made an impression on him today as well as comforted that poor girl.

I feel like anytime that strangers think that they're "helping" by pointing out the problem (thanks, captain obvious), they're essentially making one of two statements:

1) "You must be an idiot. Here, let me help you." OR
2) "You must be lazy. Here, let me help you."

I've had a couple of bad experiences with people trying to "help" me in this way, and I can tell you... I'm not an idiot (ha!), and I'm not lazy. Does the person think they're shedding light on a situation that I was otherwise ignorant of? Come on!?!?! I live in this body everyday, and I own a mirror, so clearly I am aware of my girth. The person should just shut the **** up! Keep the toxic "help" to themselves, arrogant pieces of crap.

Sorry. I get a little wound up sometimes. Old wounds, you know...

I lashed out at my own Grandmother just recently for making a comment about my weight... It went like this:

Grandma: "I wish you would get rid of some of that extra weight, dear"
Me: "I wish you would learn to be not rude."
Grandma: "I'm not being rude, I'm just telling you... lovingly."
Me: "That's BS. This isn't the first time you've commented about it, and all it does is hurt my feelings, so I wish you'd just keep your mouth shut."
Grandma: "Ok, i won't mention it again."
Me: "thanks."

We haven't spoken to each other since.

We are in a group called National Charity League--it's for Mothers with daughters in grades 7-12. The girls learn leadership skills while serving their community together with their Mothers. At the end of the 12th grade, some of the chapters hold a Senior Presentation--kind of like a cotillion or coming out party sort of thing. Each chapter is different, but most require a white dress (think wedding dress) and each has requirements (ours is no slits, no adornments--as plain as possible) and some have things like they have to have sleeves, etc. Anyway, the committee looks at each dress to make sure it is appropriate and doesn't break our chapter's rules (it also makes it so one girls doesn't outshine any others).

I read somewhere that if you have a child who is becoming overweight, instead of trying to modify their diet, you should encourage them to become more active. They stressed that having parents exercising with them would be the best option. Of course, you can always say it's about you, not them--that you, say, want to join a gym and think you'd be more likely to go if they go with you, etc. In fact, I might be remembering this wrong, but wasn't our very own amazing Meg encouraged to start going to the gym as a companion to her daughter? Or was it the other way 'round? Anyways, alinnell, perhaps you could get your daughter to exercise with you? I agree that getting her to try on the dress might be a good thing, but considering her feelings about you seeing her try things on, perhaps you should suggest she does it and then leave it up to her as to whether she wants you to see it. Trying to zip it in the privacy of her own room could be enough for her.

I totally understand how people feel in terms of wanting to share with others how incredible it feels to shed the weight and how helpful places like 3FC are. Like many of you said, it's not up to us to do, but the inclination to share this good news, knowing how it could transform their lives, is a common one, I'm sure. One thing you can do, if the situation warrants it, is reveal that you used to be overweight. Perhaps share a picture of you with family where you're overweight, without mentioning your weight. The opens up the possibility of discussion--if they want to ask what happened between then and now, they can. If not, at least they have the encouragement of knowing that it can be done and they also know that you're much more likely to be empathetic.

When I get into discussions about weight with friends or acquaintances (usually somehow centered around them asking about my diet) and they express their guilt or shame at being overweight, I am always quick to assure them that when they are ready, they will lose weight. I usually (badly) quote Anais Nin (the one about being ready to blossom) and do my best to encourage them not to beat themselves up for not being ready now. I hope that helps them. I do truly believe that--when they are ready, they'll do it.

I totally agree with all of you about how rude Shane's client was. Like many of you said, wake-up calls can be much more harmful than helpful, making you feel so bad about yourself that you only eat more. For some reason, when someone tells me, "You're too pretty to be fat like this" it makes me dissolve in tears. Not sure why that phrase hits me so hard, but it's SOOOO condescending!

On the other hand, as many of you noted, interventions from those who truly care about you (and are friends) can be helpful. One of the many things that drove me to finally do something about my weight was a talk with three very good friends. It was informal and I don't know if they even discussed it before. They told me how worried they were about my health and about how I was hurting myself. They told me that they would be there for me and help any way that I wanted them to. They told me that I deserved a better life and they they thought I was beautiful and wonderful and worth it. It made me cry a lot, but it wasn't the kind of crying that comes with the "wake up calls" from strangers. It really moved me.

You did the right thing Nightengale Shane. As for your client, kinda reminds me of this routine from Dennis Leary's "No Cure for Cancer" on cigarettes. I'm removing the profanity because I'm not sure of the board's policy & I'd like to err on the side of caution.

I've yo-yoed (as low as 120, as high as 250) and people do notice what you eat more when you're overweight. In college, during an overweight time, I had some guy (complete stranger, didn't know him) say to me (while I was getting ice cream from a machine in the cafeteria), "you really don't need that". I ate the ice cream, upset & ate some more after that because I was still upset. Then in the typical think of the perfect come back after the fact fashion, I fantasized about dumping the ice cream on his head & saying, "thanks for saving me the calories". If I ever have time travel where I can go back & do certain things over again, that is sooo on the list & I'm in my early 40s now, so you can imagine how much that hurt to make it onto the list.

My mom thought she was being helpful with that too. Having hit an all time high of 250, I started making gradual changes (going for livable changes vs. dieting). A year later, I'd lost 25 pounds. It would have probably been more if I hand't broken my foot in a fall & been in a soft cast/out of commission exercisewise for a bit. She lectured me on health "for my own good". I pointed out the weight loss and she asked me how long it had been and she made a face like that wasn't good enough. Of course, next visit, I was down another 25 lbs & after complimenting me on the weight loss, she was urging me to the Ben & Jerry's in the fridge. Go figure!

The only one who should be commenting unsolicited on weight is a dr. Doctors have a professional obligation to inform their patients of health risks.

Wow, N-Shane. I'm absolutely appalled.

I probably would've come back with a "Who the he|| do you think you're talking to like that?" And something about inappropriate behavior and a "can you honestly look yourself in the mirror acting like that?" Oh, yeah, I would've been up one side of him and down another. IMO, his $$ is filthy and not worth your valuable time and expertise.

We are all different people in different sizes at different times in our lives. We all are dealing with our own battles. I smile at everyone and say hello as often as possible--what's the hurt? Apparently, your client is in his as$hole stage... and I hope Nicole has big feet as to lodge that shoe deep in the groin.

I wish you luck with this disgrace of a human being....

Like all of the previous posts, I give you a lot of credit for keeping your cool.Like most of us here, we didnt need to reminded that we were fat, we knew! its disgusting, how some people think that they have the right to humiliate someone that they dont even know! I have come to accept the fact that, at least for me, my so called friends and family would make comments about my weight, or the imfamous"you have such a pretty face, if only you lost some weight" . mabey she suffered something dramatic in her life that put her in her current weight situation, or mabey she just likes donuts! either way, it was certainly not any of his business, I truly believe what comes around goes around, mabey someday someone will say something mean back to him so he would know how it feels to be humiliated, oooh i know, how about" I know they say size doesn't matter, but it does to me, and you my friend, are just waaayy too small".

She used to belong to a gym and I've suggested getting a family membership so we could go together, but she isn't interested. We got her to walk with us twice last week, so that is a step. She said she might want to start running with me, but isn't interested in getting up early to do it, so it would only be on the weekends, which is something, but so far she hasn't wanted to start yet (and I offered her the use of my c25k podcasts to get her started). Like I said, she isn't terribly overweight, and she knows she should lose, she just loses will power easily, so I make sure that we eat healthy means (which she has thanked me for, so that is working).