Up a half-pound from last Friday, which, considering where I was earlier this week, isn't bad. My ticker is telling the truth.

Yesterday, I spontaneously decided to take Friday off. I've got some work to do, but nothing due till Tuesday. I felt as though I really needed to slow down a little. I slept in about a half-hour later, like just till 5 AM, went to the gym later, at 7 AM. I've hit two grocery stores. I had a healthy lunch. Basically I'm doing what I often do on a Saturday. I will log on and do a little work, unfortunately, but I'm going to set a timer and drop offline later.

I want to get out to a movie tonight. We'll see if I can rouse myself out of my apartment and venture out into the pitch darkness. The sun setting so early makes me want to stay in. I'll have to fight that, or what kind of life will I have for the next few months?

saef, yay you! I hope a three-day weekend helped you relax! Did you get to the movie, and what did you see?

Ticked up and ticked off. Not really - I had three dinners away from home last week, plus I was left alone in the house yesterday. And TOM lurking, waiting to surprise. I need to gather it back up and get closer to "losing normal" this week.

Ditto on the Windows 8 issue - it's no good. My mom got a new laptop with 8 on it, and we've spent far too much time trying to figure it out. She's about to give up.

I went for long runs both days this weekend. It was pretty gross, my arm got really hot under my splint and there was sweat dripping out of it. But at least I'm getting exercise again. I was starting to feel like a veal calf, with no bike commute and no other exercise (apart from some walking) all week. My weight has come down a bit, to 141. Thank goodness.

ICUwishing: Impending TOM = scale chaos. Don't sweat it too much!

Now I'm back to my "current" weight and my ticker is close to accurate, since it doesn't show fractions and rounds upward.

I feel thinner than the scale says. That means something to me, since sadly enough, my weight is not just a data point to me, it's also whether I feel fat or feel athletic.

Partly I feel better because I wasn't housebound at the laptop, working, stressed out, and eating. I was out & about.

And yes, Becky, I saw two movies on Saturday:

"Don Jon," which had a witty voice-over and was a surprisingly decent movie, considering it's about a guy addicted to online porn. Imagine one of the "Jersey Shore" guys narrating his day-to-day existence and actually becoming reflective for a moment about it. Also, Julianne Moore is in this, and I really like that actress.

"Wadjda," my favorite foreign film of the year thus far, about a little girl in Saudi Arabia who desperately wants a green bicycle with beribboned handlebars -- only her culture believes girls not only can't ride bicycles, they can't show their faces in public. (And if you thought the nuns in Catholic school were strict, wow, just try going to Wadjda's school.) Highly recommended. It's warm & charming, but not slight, and also not merely a movie that you sit through dutifully to absorb a good-for-you political lesson.

Struggling here with finding the balance between uber-obsession with weight and nonchalance about weight (which invariably results in a gain). I don't WANT to be obsessed, but I know that if I stray too far from obsession and from the 3FC tether... Well, let's just say I know what happens. I've got my own data points, and so many other people's data points too.

So, I'm plugging along, experimenting. Since the little voice inside my head has bee too meek lately, I went so far as to make a voice recording of the gentle question I should be asking myself and listening to LOL. Hopefully my external voice is more effective. I redirect the kids and the cat nicely, I should be able to do the same with me.

I hear you NewLeaf. I just returned from visiting my dd in Arizona and allowed myself some indulgences which of course made the scale spike. I should come back and be a perfect angel, but tomorrow is our annual Thanksgiving Feast at school. Everyone (we have over 100 staff) brings something and many of the offerings are incredible. I always try to just take small amounts but it is still way more indulgent than I'm used to. I'm trying to "be normal" and not freak out. It's one day and one meal but this is the time of year where there are many of these happenings. I've booked a family portrait session for the day after Thanksgiving (my dd said that was perfect-- we'll all feel fat after T-Day) and I would hate to hate the photos. We haven't had a family portrait done in.... forever.....

Heidi~I've been allowing myself to be more "normal" and less strict for several months in hopes that when I do feel like dieting again it will make the weight come off a little easier. I've been amused to see the scale take an unexpected dip from time to time while doing this. While I'm not going overboard in any sense of the word I do allow myself a couple very nice dinners each month and I don't beat myself up if the meal I'm fixing isn't "diet friendly." And while I don't go out of my way to eat sweets, if the office candy dish calls my name (which it does from time to time) the extra 80 calories from a fun sized M&M bag isn't going to make much difference.

Not doing well at all (see profile sidebar). As you know, I decreased my calories to (what I thought was) ~1200 cal/day and 5 days/week of heavy (for me) exercise for 3+ weeks and managed to lose not a single pound. I had been steadily, gradually gaining since April of this year, mostly from intermittent binges/overeating superimposed on a "standard maintainers" diet of ~1400 cal/day. After the dismal failure of that monumental effort in October I did a huge amount of both soul-searching and research online, some of which I shared with all of you. I ended up concluding that I had been systematically reducing both my basal metabolic rate and my total energy expenditure (not to mention giving myself a binge eating disorder) by eating at such low calories for so long (years). I read a lot of posts from the blog "GoKaleo" and decided that my only realistic option was to try to "repair" my metabolism by eating at or close to my "true" daily total energy expenditure ("TEE"- the amount a person of my age, weight and activity level "should" be able to eat every day without gaining weight). I understood that the most likely immediate outcome of doing that was a further weight gain, which would theoretically stabilize once my metabolism recovered from 3+ years of "undereating" (in quotes because for most of that 3 years, 1400-1500 cal/day was maintenance for me - I did not lose weight on it). That recovery period is supposed to take up to 3 months.

Well, people, it's only been 2 1/2 weeks. I'm gaining weight so fast it's making my head spin, and I'm really questioning my sanity with all of this. The only thing stopping me from going right back to my steady 1400 cal/day is the knowledge that I'm miserable at my current weight, and understanding that what worked for 3+ years doesn't work for me anymore.

For the record, I bought a BodyMedia Fit device (supposedly the most accurate calorie expenditure calculator on the market) and got it on Halloween, so I've been using it for 12 days. My daily TEE ranges between a low of 1900 on total couch-potato days, to a high of 2400 on a day I both went to the gym and spent 3 hours walking around Ann Arbor. My daily calorie intake ranges from 1700 (most days) to one day of 2000. Based on the calculator, I should have lost over a pound over the last 12 days. Instead, I have gained 3. This tells me that my true TEE is currently between 1300 (sedentary) and 1600 (very active). I find it very, very hard to believe that if I continue to eat and exercise at my current level, that somehow a miracle will occur and in a month (or two, or even three), I will have increased my TEE to what the device tells me it should be.

My thighs are visibly broader, I have both inner and outer thigh bulges I haven't seen in several years, my pants strain across the butt and thighs, and many waistbands are pulling. Another pound or two and I will have outgrown many of my pants. I have long since given away my larger size clothes and I will not buy them again, so if I keep going with this experiment on the premise that my metabolism will recover and I will be able to lose weight again in the future, I will be wearing a small subset of my loosest clothing for some months to come. I am really torn. What would you do in my position? Turn back and start restricting again (1400 cal/day to maintain; about 1100 cal/day to lose, no binges, no overeating for keeps), or keep getting fatter in the possibly vain attempt to regain a "normal" metabolism that allows me to lose weight on 1700 cal/day and maintain on 2100?

Hi, Andrea. I understand your frustration and your fear--that somehow your weight will just spiral out of control while you're trying to "fix" your metabolism.

I remember reading one of those Eat More 2 Weigh Less links you posted--the one about how to know if you're finished with your metabolism reset. One point that stuck out for me was, "If 1200-1400 cals is still an option in the back of your mind somewhere, you have not recovered."

http://eatmore2weighless.com/metabol...w-much-longer/

I guess in your position I would stay with the program you're following. I assume you are eating the proper mix of nutritious foods--and not increasing calories with empty stuff. So you are probably doing a good reset.

Don't be stubborn about your clothes. Another one of the list items in that post was to "buy clothes that fit and flatter you now." I posted before that I have a problem right now because I don't have clothes that fit, and I'm going to have to get them. I was so stubborn about not buying larger clothes that I wore bras that were way too small for months. I couldn't breathe and was in pain all the time. How stupid is that? What did I think I was proving, and to whom?

(I look sadly at the nice suits and pants that are now too small, but the fact is, I can't wear them at the moment. I can turn this into something to whip myself with, or I can simply look at it as an objective fact.)

Again, I'd suggest you might as well stay with what you're doing now and see where it leads. I think that if you go back to restricting again, you'll just be putting off this situation for a later date.

I hope you feel better.

Jay

Andrea Sorry to be so unscientific but it sounds like your body is finally winning the fight with your brain.

I went through this for 2 years. My brain told my body it "had" to weigh 125 lbs. My body wants to weigh 136. I was hungry and miserable for over 2 years before I finally let my body "win" and am now comfortable at 135-137 lbs.

I occasionally look at my pot belly and lumpy thighs and think "what if . . ." but it's not worth it. Neither is being a size 6 (I am an 8) if I'm going to be miserable all the time.

That was the biggest thing for me with maintenance - acceptance of where my body (within reason) wants to be.

I am strong and healthy. That's enough. For me.

Dagmar

Jay, impressive stubborness on display here!

Andrea, your experience is that what you were doing before didn't work - regardless of the numbers and the theories, it simply did not work for you, and in all likelihood it will never work for you. I'm glad to see you're looking at this from a point of healing; you have something that's damaged (metabolism) and it's going to take time to heal. You need to be a patient and be patient! Winter's awesome in that we get heavier fabrics that drape and are much more forgiving; suck it up and go get yourself a few basic bottom pieces that look fabulous. If 3 months is necessary, get a calendar and commit fully to the possibility of healing. Make a decision to give this a chance to work.

Hugs Andrea. It seems to make sense that you need to give this an opportunity to work as difficult and painful as it may be along the way. I pray that the end result is worth the effort and you can be a success story that many of us will want to replicate!

Andrea and good luck on this next stretch of the journey.

I can't remember if you've mentioned hormones and this is train work so I can't look it up. They always seem to me to be the jokers in the pack. The sex hormones, of course, cortisol, leptin, ghrelin and no doubt others which have a connection to weight.

I'm saying 'jokers in the pack' as a way of describing variation. Different responses by different bodies in the population. And perhaps we don't even know everything they may do, in every different circumstance.

For me, the human body can be beyond science, beyond quantification. I think I'm in the same kind of area as Becky, when she talked above about healing.

I agree about getting clothes that fit properly. I'd also add a couple of words from my Italian studies: tranquilla and serena. Perhaps if you can move your eye off the weight loss and maintenance ball, perhaps just to the side, to be a bit tranquil and serene, things will go as they should.

Andrea - I remember reading a lot on the GoKaleo site a few months ago, and if I remembering correctly, it mentioned that on the way to repairing that you need to be prepared for weight gain - sometimes significant weight gain - before it repairs and then comes back down which can take 8 weeks. So if you're following that line of thought, then 2 1/2 weeks in you would naturally see a weight gain.

I had thought about trying this myself when my weight was frustratingly high but I knew I wouldn't stick with it. I was prepared to consider it after the holidays.

I think it takes someone incredibly brave and stubborn to try this! But what you were doing before wasn't working - I think you need to give it more time!

Jen