The funny thing is that I don't think she would care - the way his family runs their lives is that NONE of them knock before entering each other's house, NONE of them call before coming over, NONE of them have any personal life boundaries whatsoever. And, I know that I'm not comfortable doing this to someone else. What a bind!!!!

Well I own a duplex with my parents as they are elderly and I am an only child and the rest of our family is in Scotland.

We have our own units but my mum still calls to make sure I'm not busy before coming up or asking me to come down to her place. The front door of the house is locked but neither of the inner doors are locked. I still knock on my parents door before entering as they do with us. I would never dream of just walking in unannouced!

They lead their lives and we lead ours but we still see each other all the time - for tea and chats, watching movies, sharing meals, going on days out. We are very close but respect each others private time and personal space.

This reminds me of my Mom and Grandma ( her mother-in-law). Grandma lived a mile or two away, and would always ride her bike over and pop in just in time for dinner. When my mom would see her coming, she'd sing that little tune from the Wizard of Oz..when Mrs. Gulch was riding her bike.."doo doo dee dee do do dooo."

I'm a private person and need a lot of personal space. I love quiet time with a cup of tea or just sitting on the couch. I do like company, but someone (even family) coming over constantly without knocking/calling would make me a crazy person. A couple days a week, make it absolutely clear when she comes over for breakfast that you are doing SOMETHING - hands and knees scrubbing kitchen floor, aerobic outfit bouncing around in front of a video on the TV, on the phone talking to YOUR mom, ironing clothes in your underwear. Let her know that you are a busy woman with an active life and she needs to CALL FIRST to ensure you are free. If she keeps getting turned away because you are LEGITIMATELY BUSY living your life, maybe she will get the hint to call first to CHECK if it's okay.

Or ****, start putting her to work when she comes over "I'm so glad you are here, I was just going to INSERT SOME TERRIBLE TASK THAT PEOPLE DREAD DOING, with you helping, it will go so much faster!" I mean, if she can just drop by because she's family, then you can put her to work because she's family!

The whole dissing you on the gardening trip, what rudeness, I don't even know what to say to that. Unless the friend was having a cataclysmic event at that very moment (leaving her husband, sick child, whatever), etiquette DEMANDS you stick to your current companion and not ditch them for something "better."

Thanks, Glory, for the support. I was a bit irritated, as I heard enough of the phone conversation to understand that my sister-in-law's friend just wanted to drop by her house for a visit. It was unplanned and certainly not, from what I could tell by the tone and nature of the conversation, an emergency. (i.e. "Hi! No, I'm not busy, I'm just out with my brother's wife. Sure, coffee sounds great! Just stop by my house, I'll meet you there in about 15 minutes. Bye". Seriously. I'm relegated to being her "brother's wife". After 15 years. But I digress...) Sigh.

I LAUGHED at this post!! LMBO!! First, I've been put to work by friends and family. I also am NOT a private person but I actually want mental time to prepare when someone comes over. I want mental time to prepare to switch tracks with whatever I had planned even if it was just to read a book. I don't look bad at them for being social and family, but they could have common decency with the call ahead or knock on the door thing. Course now I'm thinking that everybody did that at my grandma's house (and yes, she did get tired of it even though she was always gracious). The key is somehow conveying to both your hubby and to your SIL that you don't mind her company and that she is very welcome in your house, but you would like to have some space in your house too. Time to be alone, think alone, or get private things done. I once had a neighbor walk in while I was masterbating (OMG, I am SO not lying and she never walked in again after that LOL).

Now to the rudeness/garden event. I called ahead and drove 30 min to go to someone's house because I was so upset that my husband and I were being separated and I can't hear things at night, etc. I was a new military wife. Instead of getting comfort, this "friend" sat on the computer for an hour while I was there. I gave up and left. THAT'S RUDE!

Ooooooo, I like Glory's suggestion. And it's a darn good one. If she won't stop coming over, start casually and politely giving her reasons to NOT want to come over.

Start scheming, girlfriend. I know I would. Cuz I wouldn't put up with that. I'd have to put a stop to it one way or the other. I'd try a tactful approach first, but if it didn't work, it would be time to put my foot down and I wouldn't CARE if it caused a little bad blood.

Tough patooties. I don't want someone just walking in my house anytime they feel like it.

I have to tell my little related story. When we lived closer to my DH's family and friends we always had people stopping by and walking in unannounced because "that's just the way we do things around here". I couldn't stand it, but was always as gracious as I could be. Even when it meant that people stopped by in the middle of the day to chat because since I work from home I have nothing better to do, right? /sarcasm.

So one day I'm taking a lunch break and running on the treadmill. I'm all sweaty and it's running into my eyes so I take off my shirt and wrap it bandana-style around my head. And, of course, I'm not wearing a bra. So I jog along for some time when suddenly DH's cousin walks in with his wife and two little children. There I am topless, sweaty, and screaming. Of course, being nice I made a big joke about it and said "of course you can stay and play with the puppy! I'll just go get changed".

It became a big old joke with DH and his family and didn't seem to stop the visitors until one evening out to dinner with DH and some relatives he wouldn't stop teasing me about it. Well, of course I was embarassed at the time! I made it into a joke to save face! I basically started bawling right there in the restaurant and ran out to the car. While I'm now known as "E's psycho wife" the stopping by unnanounced stopped completely.

Sorry I don't really have any advice for you. I handled the whole thing pretty badly myself. I guess sometimes you have to be a bit dramatic about things in order for them to change.

Topless jogging IS a bit extreme - I'm sorry that you suffered so much as a result of other's inconsideration. and, NO, you aren't a psycho wife!!!

All I can say is . . . . . . I will put you on my prayer list, bless your heart, because I see NO easy answer to this. What a terrible situation. I would Lose. My. Mind.

This is where you say,,,oh sorry we were just leaving for a breakfast date. Perhaps tomorrow you can come over.

Or..... change the code and leave earlier then she would show up.

Yeah, I WOULD have, but my husband offered her breakfast before I could open my mouth...We talked about that afterwards, but things still need to change!

Freiamaya: Regarding our location on the globe: I love when I tell people, "I live in Northern New York." and they start to sing, 'New York, New York' and say, "Where? In Yonkers?" And I say, "NO...North, like by Canada." and they say, "Oh...New York goes THAT far North?" Yes, there's much more to NY State than New York City. I swear, my 5-year-old son knows more about US Geography than most grown ups. The other funny thing was when I moved here from Rochester, they said, "Do you know what the WINTERS are like up there?!?" As if I were moving to the North Pole. I mean, I moved from Rochester, NY, where the winter before I moved, we had four FEET of snow in two days...my daughter was sledding right out my front door, down the steps to the street! But, you know, there is that snap we seem to get every few Februarys where the high temp at noon is minus thirty! THAT, I could do without, but we had that in Rochester, too. Lets face it...I didn't move here for tropical weather! Its not truly cold until you go outside and your nostril hairs freeze, imho. Speaking of tropical weather, thank goodness that HOT weather blew out of here the other night! What a difference a day makes!!

My favorite stops over in Kingston: Every year on our anniversary, my DH and I go to the Holiday Inn on the Harbor, by the Ferry Boat. This past trip, we went about 20 minutes north on Princess Street to a really GREAT Chinese Buffet...with peel-n-eat shrimp and a chocolate fountain!! We also to go donate money to charity at the Gananoque Casino. And what happens in Canada, stays in Canada One other place I liked to go as a kid is the Sand Banks by Picton. I have relatives there (picton). I don't know any of them, but I know my grandfather on my dad's side came from there and there are a lot of tombstones in the cemetary with my maiden name on it. I had to laugh when we went this year, too, because the Canadian Customs man had a REALLY French accent and when we told him we were from Cape Vincent and that we ditched the kids for a night alone, I swear he went "Ho, ho, hooooo...Oui, oui" and winked at us when we went through! We don't know what his name was, but we call him Pierre. It practically made my whole weekend. Another favorite in Kingston is the Rideau Canal. We took a houseboat up it once to Smith's Falls to the Hershey Factory. It took us a week, but I had a fabulous tan. And the coach to the NJ Devils Hockey Team ran into the back of our boat in a lock during a thunderstorm. THAT was great. He gave us his card to give to the rental place for insurance and we said, "Hey! He's the head coach to the NJ Devils!" and sure enough, once hockey season started, my dad was watching a Devils game and there was the guy that rammed the back of our boat, shouting and getting all red in the face, coaching his team! Funny!

Anyhow..back to your dilemma. I like Glory's idea. Maybe you should wallpaper your kitchen and in the middle of it, she'll stop by and you can have her help you wallpaper! Next, you could be painting, etc. Or running on the treadmill naked! (I love that story!) Or...watch golf. Have her sit and watch it with you. She'll be bored to tears and leave!

Let us know how it all works out!!

Kris

Oh...and that picture of my husband and I in my avatar is on the river...and behind us, in the distance, is Wolfe Island. That was on Sand Bay on our wedding day.