I agree it's in me somewhere-- I just wish I could find the time to actually look for it. It's hard right now. I just needed to vent. I really think that its more complex than just letting the past go and moving on, especially juggling this crazy schedule I have right now. Ok so I'll figure it out. Thanks everyone.

Wow! Gretchen, I know you posted looking for assistance, but I think *I* just had an epiphany while reading Sarah, Howie & Beverly's posts!!!!!

I mentioned before that I was leery of starting all this weight loss over, AGAIN, as I have gained after every loss before (though none of my losses were huge). Sure, this time feels different, many of us say that, but the spectre of gaining everything back and then some has been haunting me... I think about it all the time.

But somehow I realized that it's not something I should be scared of -- not because it can't or won't happen, but because if it happens it happens and I CAN STILL DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Weight loss may not be forever, but neither is the gain. Life may throw me a curve or 2, but I can get the mojo back if I want it. I guess that's obvious -- heck, I KNOW that's obvious -- but hearing from people who have done it, who are struggling to get back the mojo or who have it again... it makes it more real somehow.

So, Gretchen, thank you for being willing to share your own struggles with the rest of us. Reading about your situation is helping me to understand my own.

Similarly, Howie, I really appreciated your recent post where you shared your recent fast food dalliance.

I think this is why I keep reading here.

Gretchen,

I'm not sure if you remember me but I was right there with you last year. I lost 96 lbs between Jan 12, 2004 and Nov 12, 2004 and now I've gained back 68.5 lbs. I know exactly how you feel. I'm sitting here crying my eyes out right now, finding it unbelievable that someone else feels the same feelings of shame, anger, disgust etc that I do.

I didn't have a baby last year but I am a single mom to a son, 3 1/2. I work full time and I understand exactly how little time there is in the day. I keep reminding myself though that I did my above weight loss after my son was born and he was more demanding then than he is now. I don't know what my problem is.

At the time I quit (and stopped posting here as well) I was a little freaked out that people kept mentioning my weight loss and I was a litle scared that things in my life were changing because of it. I think that and a few failed dating attempts have something to do with it. That's certainly no excuse for what I've done to my poor body but I believe those things to be my two biggest triggers.

I've been ashamed to post here and ashamed to need help in this situation. I'm a very independent person and it's hard for me to admit I need help but I REALLY REALLY do need help and support, especially from people who really understand what I'm going through. You and Sarah and Howie and everyone else as well were so supportive when I was coming here before. In a weird way I feel like I've let everyone else down (my friends, family, the people who supported me when I was here before). I feel like a huge failure and that makes it even harder to get back on track.

I'm sorry that this has turned into a post about me but I was just so relieved to be able to get it off my chest and hear that someone else was brave enough to say all the things I'm not.

I know you can do it. You've proven that in the past. As others have said, your life has made a huge change with the birth of your son. Posting here and getting your feelings out is the first step in getting back to where you were before. YOU CAN DO IT!

I look forward to seeing your future posts and I'll be right there too! I started again this past Monday and I'm in for the long haul too!

Talk to you soon

Good for you Ingrid. It's good to see you back posting. That is what is so great about this place. We are all the same. We share the same struggles, thoughts and habits. So we all know so much how one another feels. Therefore we can help each other out. It's not likely we will all be down at the same time. Lord help us if we are. LOL

Gretchen first you said:

Then you said:

Sweetie, all due respect, but what I heard from you wasn't just venting but a cry for help. And in response to that cry came a wave of informed, loving response.

The thing is, that desire for help has to be a lasting one. In response to your call-out to the group, you've received an awful lot of really meaningful, substantial advice and feedback, and I hope that on any helpful level it's what you need and desire. Just remember to revisit it whenever you need that information or frame of reference or those resources to resurface.

We all love you and are here for you, whenever you are ready. Everybody has their "click" moment, and we're here for you whether you're in that moment or not.

The absolute, very, very best to you, Gretchengirl.

Gretchen, I know where you are coming from. I have a 4 year old son. After he was born I was back down to my prepregnancy weight within 2 weeks and I was determined to lose more and get to my goal weight. I had a year off in maternity leave, you'd think I'd have plenty of time for exercise and healthy eating. My baby took up so much time and energy I just had none for myself. So at this point I am 23 lbs heavier than I was after I lost my "baby" weight. It is maddening that it has crept on over these 4 years and that I can't seem to gather myself together for anything that will help me lose weight. Between my son, my husband, my job, buying a new house (renovating the old house over the summer, selling it, the seach for the new house and the horrors of moving and settling in) I've just not been able to get it together. I think I am finally at point where things are settled and I can start planning what I am going to do.

Like Sarah said, we can do this together, we're kind of all in the same weight range, we just need to challenge each other. I'd be so grateful if you guys could help me out and we can support each other.

Oh Gretchen...the post-partum period is so demanding. Really, it took me until my youngest was 13 months old to get back on track (and I am a SAHM). I became a mother to 3 children in 11 months (2 by adoption, 1 by birth) and I still think your days sound much more stressful than my early days. You are working 2 full time jobs right now. Give yourself some props for being able to do SO much -- and STILL interview for a new position to boot! I am amazed.

You know, I second what the others have said about giving your body about a year to get back to some normalcy. Maybe this is a good situation where the scale needs to go and your focus needs to be just doing those things that will best nourish your body for all its competing demands -- getting enough sleep, getting some form of exercise (even if that means taking the stairs 2 more times a day or getting in a 20 minute walk at lunch), and eating healthy foods as much as possible. Maybe you could focus on just being healthy right now and wait until Carson is a year old to try and lose weight (although I am guessing a few small changes will cause some weight loss anyway). I know how hard it is to wait. With all that is happening when a baby comes along, you start to feel like a slouch all the time. I remember being so excited when I bought a new mascara and actually wore it when my youngest was like 11 months old. That was a huge step towards normalcy for me. Everyone else seems so glamourous compared to a new mom (in the new mom's eyes, I mean). It is tempting to want to speed up the process and try to get life back to normal. Trust me, at about a year, you discover a new normal and you can start focussing a bit more on YOU for a change (I SO love the idea of the book The Red Tent, a place for moms to go during menstruation and post-partum, surrounded by other moms, without other competing responsibilities. I also want to move to FInland where maternity leave is somewhere close to a year or 2 I believe).

That said, my 16 month old is now calling for some night mommying, so I had better sign off.

Baby steps Gretchen. Think healthy for now and work your way up to weight loss at/after about a year.

Gotta add my 2 cents as well. Like so many, I hear you. I lost 80 lbs by looking after ME about 8 years ago. Met my DH, weight creeping...1st baby (oops gained 30 that stayed on), 6 months later...pregnant again (no net gain) POST PARTUM DEPRESSION (50 lb gain ), a few losses and 4 years go by - -another pregnancy with gestational diabetes this time - looked after myself b/c the health of baby depended on it (net loss of 20 pounds from prepregnancy to 6 wks postpartum ). Stayed home for 9 wonderful, crazy months and gained it all back plus some . Went back to my crazy full time senior manager job and tried to do it all, balance it all...

I guess we all have our own stories and my advice echoes others. (if I knew how to quote I would...) What I know:

- I want to be around for the long haul as a healthy active mommy and wife
- I want to be a good role model for my kids
- I want to find myself again (just started my first blog called "seeking sherri")
- I want to be comfortable in my skin, strong, and positive
- I NEED to make time for me again, without feeling guilty to live the lifestyle I know is the best thing for all of us
- I will succeed if I make small sustainable changes

So, I am more committed this time and more forgiving of my choices as I have gone from pregancy to pregnancy, gaining and losing over and over. This time is different. I know it. Yours will be too if you really want it to be. It just takes a lot of soul searching and strategizing. Put yourself first, even if it feel selfish. It really isn't. When I was struggling with PPD, I was in counseling (same issues re: self care). What the psychiatrist, who is a loving, wonderful woman, told me was that Mother Theresa used to instruct her followers that they must fill their own cups first, for if they didn't they would have nothing to offer others. I probably horribly misquoted her, but you get the idea. I'll quit blathering, hope it helps a little. (I think I helped myself decide to not raid the Hallowe'en candy ) As you know, there is great support and love here. Take in all in and gather your strength. You can do it!

When I first read this thread I wanted to post, but felt like I should hold off because I've never had kids. Really good posts from a lot of people here that I appreciated reading.

I just wanted to add, in the hopes it will help, this is the second time I'm going at this effort, in high school I lost 100 lbs. Losing weight takes a tremendous amount of effort, so you shouldn't beat yourself up that it may take you a little while to get back in the grove, especially with all that you have to take care of now.

I don't consider this second time to be the same as the first, because I've experienced and learned a tremendous amount in that period in between. The number on the scale doesn't mean I'm back to square one. I can't change the fact that I gained back the weight, it was completely due to my eating and not exercising. Every woman I've known that has had a baby has gained weight, biologically I think it would probably be even harmful not to.

I totally agree with what Sarah said above, I had to have a click moment. In your mind you know what you want, the planets are already lining up for you and you'll do what you need to do. Then you'll say to yourself (how many times have I said this to myself??), why did I make myself suffer so much over this? Sometimes the more we fight, the tighter the ropes get.

I have nothing to offer that hasn't already been said, but I give you lots of and know that we'll always be here for you.

Im pretty new to the site and ive been reading this thread. Gotta say, alot of really heartfelt ideas expressed in a very loving way. I have nothing more really to add except to say, I also have been there....2 kids, demanding schedule...when am i supposed to take care of me? I think Dr. Phil says it all the time...if you dont take care of mom, who will take care of everyone else? You have to carve out time for yourself....and im not only talking exercise, but a bath or whatever makes you feel calm.

The other thing i do and im not sure of your personality, but i plan. I write it down. Most times i go off plan, but just the idea that i have one, makes me feel in control. I send well wishes to all you new mommies and others that are restarting. You did not fail...failing would mean that you quit and stopped trying. This is a mere setback. Keep plugging along...whether you gain 5 pounds or 50, keep plugging along.

Connie

What a group of sweethearts here! I love us!

Ok, so I've been thinking about you, Gretchen, and I feel like it's important to point out that you hit it last year like it was a full-time job. You were a woman crazed. You were, in your words, "On a mission." And you gave yourself very little leeway at all within the parameters of your plan, which was calorie-counting. As I recall, you rarely went over 800 calories, and once you started exercising regularly, you hit it hard and consistently, without increasing your calories much -- I think a LITTLE? That's how I remember it, anyway.

I guess what I'm saying here is that you DROVE yourself to achieve your results literally as fast as your body would allow, and you succeeded as a result of it. And you absolutely can succeed again, Grethen, but maybe you'll need to approach it differently this time. I wonder if maybe your difficulty in restarting isn't due in some part to your fear that you won't be as successful this time, or that you won't be able to toe that hard line you drew for yourself before. I know that I feel wierd coming here and not being one of the successful losers when I was before. And I'm going to do some thinking about the suggestion I just made to you within the context of my own experience, and see if maybe it might not apply to me.

I just know that you really held yourself to such a high standard last year, and you were rightfully very proud of your success and loved how positive the experience was for you. The landscape in your world is very, very different this year - as it is for me - and maybe your viewing the sustainability of your plan this time around through last year's lenses.

I believe that you can succeed again this time around, just maybe in a different way, and maybe at a different pace. Remember to be gentle with yourself, and treat yourself with kindness and as much wisdom as you can muster. Ok, my friend?

Connie - I totally agree with you about taking care of mom, the problem is that we need to get the rest of the family on board with that as well!

Gretchen, I've never had children so I can't offer you any type of advice when it comes to post pregnancy weight issues. I can help support you with a shoulder to cry on and words of encouragement. You can do this - you've done it before and you can do it again. When your click moment happens there'll be no holding you back. Until then I'd take the wonderful advice and start baby stepping your way back into it, so when your new click moment does happen you're already ahead of the game.

~Dee

Oh Gretchen ~ I so understand. Having a newborn is just so all consuming. They have to be fed all the time, you are on THEIR schedule, baths, dressing them takes forever, the diaper changes that never seem to end (how can one tiny body create so much POOP!) - it's such a huge adjustment - the first baby is the WORST. It turns your life upside down. I got back to normal so much more quickly after #2.

Don't beat yourself up about this. Your life has taken a major change recently - allow yourself to enjoy it. (Easier said than done, huh?) But, really - give yourself a pat on the back for keeping it together - holding down a full-time job, taking care of a family, being a new Mommy and keeping that babe happy and loved! You are doing great! The rest will come - it will! Make a healthy change here and there as you can - but don't spend this time, this PRECIOUS time with that new baby beating yourself up - it's not worth it and you don't deserve to treat yourself this way.

Good luck with the new job - it sounds like it would be a GREAT change!!! <fingers crossed>

(((HUGS))) I so understand!