My mom would always tell me I was fat, even though she was 5'4" tall and weighed well over 200 pounds, I was 5' tall and weighed less then 130. Looking back at pictures of me when I was younger, I wasn't fat. I finally asked Mom what she meant by telling me I was fat so many years ago when I wasn't. She said, "You were a little on the hippy side and I didn't want you to look like me when you grew up." Good job Mom, I turned out just like you.

Just playing devils advocate, maybe people don't really understand how hurtful their comments are? Maybe in their ignorant way they think they are saying they are proud of us? Your mom may not know how to relate to weight loss any way different.

Who knows, I just know that I'm so happy to be living on the opposite side of the country from my 'supportive' family. Whose idea is to say, "God, you got fat. What's wrong with you? Think you got your man now it don't matter how you look?" While they are guzzling beer and eating their weight in bbq. Where is the fairness?

Sarah

Sarah, you bring up a good point about how we developed our body image in the first place when you said "Good job Mom, I ended up just like you." I've been thinking about this alot lately...I think it's because I'm finally approaching my goal weight and I'm not sure when to "stop" and switch to maintenance. I don't know what weight I *should* be, if that makes any sense.

But back to body image....I remember at my Senior Prom thinking I was fat. I look back at those pictures now and I think "Huh? I looked pretty normal." But back then, no WAY did I feel normal.

What do you ladies think? I'm not trying to play the blame-the-evil-parents-game or anything, but do you feel that negative comments you got as a kid created some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy for you? Maybe you heard "you're fat" or "you need to lose weight" one too many times and it evolved into weight issues later in life?

I felt fat when I wasn't and I became fat (or at least I gave up on being healthy) because of it. I KNOW I decided at some point that being "thin" was utterly hopeless because I knew whatever weight I was would never be "enough." Which brings up the whole "why do you care what people think?" topic, which I won't get into.

Does all this sound familiar? I'd be interested to hear if anyone can relate.

(Maybe this should be a new thread...too late now! Whoopsie.)

- Kate

kate - I was plump as a kid until I was 13 and got tall (now 5'7")...But kids made fun of me and that hurts and it sticks with us.
Then when I got tall and thin, I could never be thin enuf, even at 118 (thanks to Twiggy).....I started the crazy diets just after high school at 118...go figure? I loved to exercise and have always done that thin or fat. I'm positive I screwed my metabolism up along the way, testing for slow thyroid somewhere in my 40's. Then with a cross country move I got up to 216 and have been fighting my way down ever since. Today I weigh 170 (recent 5 pound gain) but I don't feel FAT anymore, still would like to get to 150...
So I could blame those kids in kindergarden that called me fat, or I could blame my first husband that said he'd divorce me if I ever got fat. But now it's all up to me, none of those old reasons matter anymore and now that I know what happened and why - I'm still trying to make me happy.

When I was growing up, I had the opposite kinds of input. "You are WAY too skinny- you look like a refugee!" "You are losing too much weight, you look sick!" "Eat something!"

I am 5'6", am small framed and I weighed around 110-115. For a teenage girl, that is actually a very good range as I had not had children yet. For an adult, the low end of my weight range starts at 123.

My family did the same thing to my husband when he dropped quite a bit of weight recently. He is 6' and managed to go from about 240 to around 170-175. They all dogged him every chance they got (and we live next door to my mother and my grandparents so it was quite often). It actually hurt his feeling quite a bit because he worked so very hard. I was proud of him and complimented him, but I will admit that it made sex less enjoyable because his hipbones didn't have that extra layer anymore. He has put some weight back on- he's back up to around 195.

But yeah- people can be rude without realizing it. I generally don't listen to what my family has to say because frankly, when I examine the source I realize that they are some really screwed up people.

2frustrated, that post cracked me up, that is the funniest thing I have seen in a while! No offense to your grandfather, of course.

On the topic though, people, including relatives, do say some nasty things. I wish someone had chewed out my dad when he started telling me I was fat all the time starting when I was around 14. Here is the worst thing I have heard a relative of mine say though . . . My cousin got divorced after her husband cheated on her, and my grandmother said "Well, you can't blame him for cheating because she got so fat." I couldn't believe she said that. How awful!

This HAD to be repeated. I know this is true for me, and I suspect it's probably true for a lot of people (here and/or in general). I remember my first year of college, thinking I was so fat and being disgusted at my appearance. But you know what? I was gorgeous. Truly, truly gorgeous, and I didn't appreciate my body nearly enough. Hindsight is always 20/20, I guess.

That is a horrifyingly awful thing to say (or think for that matter). Perhaps if I ever get married I'll add "in thinner and in fatter" to the vows so I won't have to worry about anyone thinking that my weight releases them from their other promises.

All i can say is you know what mothers are like. I keep thinking there are people out there with happy firendly mums but it seems mums can be the cruellest out of everyone.
I dont speak with my mother as she tries to compete with me, and thinks she looks better than me. She is much thinner but geez, cant she just get over the competition thing and be my mum again. Anyway...let it go Kate.

Aww I love my Mum! But my Mum's Mum is really damaging for her self-esteem. I think she's finally realising it after 50-odd years!

I'm trying to help my Mum lose weight, but it's so hard to be encouraging and motivating when she goes out and buys doughnuts after her gym workout, or a chicken pie!

Back on topic - I was bullied FOREVER about being fat. Fatty, people grossing out in the changing rooms after PE, being told the water would jump out of the pool after I jumped in. But you know, I look at all those junior school pictures when it all started and I was so fine. I was completely ok. I looked in proportion, but I guess since I was head and shoulders taller than the other kids, then my girth would be bigger than theirs anyway!

Then I think I lost the plot at Senior school and I did used to look really big, and I piled it on in my teens! Then moving out on my own and a relationship with someone who didn't like me big (then why go out with me in the first place?.. GO FIGURE!) kickstarted my healthy life and I've never looked back!

BTW I'm now with a guy who's skinny! He wants me to be healthy and praises me when I lose a bit of weight and tells me not to obsess over the scale. He said the other day, "It doesn't matter about losing the weight, it's increasing the muscle and losing a bit of your fat that counts.." Ain't that the truth?!

Geez - Aren't our relatives suppose to love un unconditionally? Don't we look to them for support, kindness and acceptance? Well on a brighter note it sounds like none of us will be making 'awful' comments to our loved ones.......
"I felt fat when I wasn't and I became fat (or at least I gave up on being healthy) because of it." Ditto for me too.....lol - But it isn't funny, it is downright sad.

I have two younger sisters, both slim, my mum said to me as I was going out to a party "you look so pretty(she had tears in her eyes!) just think how beautiful you'd look if you were slim like your sisters"! How's that for a confidence boost, mums do mean well but like everyone else, me included, they should think before speaking!

If I could chime in here.....My mother who is an Eating disorder specialist..constantly would tell me I was fat growing up..My highest weight was 149 I am 5'6 ..I would starve myself throw up ect ect ect...
at a family party once I was grabbing some cheese and crackers and she said.."Oh chelsea stop hanging out by the food leave some for the rest of us" Till this day I hate eating in front of my mother...she completly warped my body image....WHen I got down to 89 pounds..(anorexic) she was angry with me for not eating.....and would try to shove food in my mouth...I could never win with her.
NOw...I am HEALTHY and I am HEALTHY for me..not for her. As soon as she starts commenting on my weight..even to compliment me..I say...thanksmom so how is so in so or quickly change the subject....
I think my mother had some issues growing up with her mom..because she has never been skinny..she just didn't want me to be miserable....how ironic

Back in the day, I had the opposite comments from my thin German papaw. "You're too skinny. You need to eat more. You look sick." If he could only see me now. I took his advice unfortunately.

Now every time I see my too thin alcoholic dad it's "You're getting a little plump, aren't you? That's OK, you still look good." I only see him a couple of times a year, so we'll see if he makes his mandatory fat comments at Xmas this year. My husband, who is very physically fit, gets so angry with him, because even when I was "thin" to me (size 8/10) is when he started with the comments. To him I was fat because I had always been so tiny...not because I tried to be but I was very active and we didn't have sweets or junk food in our house (and I hated my mother's and later grandmother's cooking).

Just remember you're doing this for you and your health. You can make some of the people happy all of the time, and all of the people happy some of the time, but you can't make all of the people happy all of the time.

Sorry to hear about your mom's comment, Kate, but it sounds like you are now over it.

Can't think of any compliments that have hurt me emotionally. Healthwise, constant compliments on my size when I was growing up probably hurt me. Bit of explanation... I was a nice medium build for most of my life. I always got compliments about my size. Thing is, I was not physically active at all! I ate in moderation, but never exercised. As a result, now, when I think of weight loss, I mostly think of food intake. It took me a long time to learn to exercise. I used to crash diet and never learned to change my overall habits. Ironically, all the positive attention I got for my size hurt in the long run because I concentrated on looks rather than health. Now I am doing better because I am making long-term changes.

Like most of you, the hurtful comments were not compliments but rather negative comments on my weight. Parents were always supportive, luckily, but there was this boy in sixth grade. He told me I had gotten fat. And his stupid comment started making me worry about my weight, even though I was perfectly healthy! Like someone else on this board has said, I went from caring little about my body image to having a majorly negative one. In hindsight, I wish I had hit that boy (and a lot of other boys back in junior high).

2frustrated, you are 2 dang funny.

That is so true. I thought I was a whale all through high school, and now I think back and realize that when I was 14 I was only 125 lbs, and I'm sure I looked great. In fact, I don't remember ever NOT thinking I was fat (until now). When I called my dad out on calling me fat all the time (since he has always been far more obese than me), he said he just said those things because he didn't want me to end up like him. I'm like, how about setting a good example instead, don't you think that would have worked? Although I can't blame myself getting fat on feeling fat, because I couldn't give up on being healthy since I was never healthy to begin with.

Anyway, my relationship with my parents has greatly improved since moving out of the house, obviously, and especially I think since moving across the country. We'll see how things go when I go home to visit in a few days!