I believe that a lot of overweight women, especially those who've been overweight their entire lives, tend to settle when it comes to relationships (I know I did) because they don't feel they can do any better. So when the weight comes off they can feel free to be themselves and realize that they deserve more than what they settled for. Of course this is just one of several different reasons for the weightloss=divorce/break up phenomenon, but I feel it's one of the more common ones.

Beverly

hey rainy!

Just saw your post.. you totally nailed tons of stuff I feel right on the head.

I lost alot of weight 2 years ago.. and I was in a very very bad relationship.. but I alyways had tons of guys asking me out even when I was heavier.. I looked darn good... but when I lost the weight I had even more guys asking me out.. I had said no so many times but I decided that my now ex was a total jerk and started meeting other guys.

I ended up cheating on him.. and I promise if you knew this guy you would understand (we had sex less than 2 times a month.. not my decision ) and I loved all the new attention I was getting. Mind you, I'm NOT the kind of person that would cheat.. but I did.

Before I lost the weight I was content to be with my ex.. because I didnt like myself, and after I lost the weight I had a self esteem again and I knew I was worth more.

I met my fiance soon after all of this... and he knows all of what happend. He's been with me and since then I've gained over 100 pounds. I do not plan on cheating on him and I would never even think of thinking of it

anyway.. life after losing can be strange.. you have a whole new mind set towards eating and your body. I just cant wait to feel that way again (minus the cheating)

Amanda

I can relate to much of what you said, Rainy. I'm not worried about Howie and me, but I do wonder if I'll ever feel really good about my body and feel "normal". But shoot, when I was in high school and wore a size 12 or 14, weighed 160, I thought I was fat. I hate what the media and fashion industries have shoved down our throats about beauty the last several decades.

I agree with what folks have said here, that many of the women whose marriages broke up probably had other issues going on all along, and the empowerment they felt after losing weight carried over into other areas of their personal lives.

One of the things I find most distasteful about the media is the way an editor will use pin thin models throughout their teen magazine, yet in the very same issue run a story warning of the pressure to be thin and the dangers of eating disorders.

To see how much perceptions have changed over the last 100 years, take a look at some issues of Cosmopolitan from the early 20th century. Back then, plumpness was seen as an essential part of beauty in a woman, and anything less was considered quite unattractive. Of course, much of that stemmed from the fact that men wanted to be seen to be successful, and being wide in the girth gave the appearance of prosperity.

Europeans, on the other hand, believed that being thin and in delicate health (think, TB) was indicative of "good breeding". North Americans adopted this way of thinking and thus began the obsession with being slim....

Marilyn Monroe was a size 14-16

What does that tell you about how things have changed?!

True. Sizing has changed, too, though - it's a confusing mess. I can wear some 16W jeans just fine, but the 16's in the juniors are cut slimmer in the hip and legs. Just My Size T-shirts fit like tents if I get them in my normal size. I wish there was consistency like there is in men's clothing...Waist and length on pants, collar and sleeve length on shirts, etc.

A lot of good stuff here. I've been missing a lot of threads lately. Thanks for the kind words Jill. You do change when you lose the weight but you are who you are when it comes down to the core. I'm a guy who is dedicated and in love with my wife. That is who I was at 417 lbs and that is who I am at 273 lbs. Some things don't change. However I am more sure of myself now and I'm sure I do come off different to some people. I do notice women smile at me when maybe before they did not. It's nice but it does not matter because I'm still the same guy I was before when it comes to the core person. So I agree with what people have said here. These people who leave after they lose the weight were most likely never happy in the relationship to begin with.

Rainy--I totally hear you. I am 23 and have been with Jeff for almost a year and half now. I have been obese my entire life (or at least as far back as I can remember, like age 6 or something), so I have never known life as a thin or "normal" person. Jeff loves me now--he loves me for WHO I am, and that makes me love him even more! However (yes, isn't there always a "however"?), I fear that once I have lost a great deal of weight, I will become more curious. After all, I am 23, and Jeff is the only guy I have ever been with (both my only real relationship and the only man I have ever had sex with).

I worry that with more confidence and physical attractiveness, I will want to meet new people and try new things. I never got to date guys because they always went for my more attractive friends. I might want to "shop around" before I pick a guy to stay with for forever, ya know? And I don't think that means I will be a different person, but it means I may behave differently. I hope that makes sense

Then again, I think about Jeff makes me feel inside, how he just has to say something dumb or look at me a certain way to make me smile, to make feel kinda fluttery inside. I think about losing weight and meeting other men, and then I realize that I probably won't want THOSE men since they couldn't appreciate the person I was (and still am) when I was in my fat body, so why should I give them a chance once I'm thinner?

I know I totally just explained two different sides, but I'll never know what will happen till I get there. I'd like to think I stay with Jeff regardless of my weight--after all, I am removing fat, not brain cells, and he loves me for me, so how could I let that go? The thing is, it's OKAY not to know. Even thin people don't know. Love is so strange and often fickle, and whether you are changing yourself physically or not, there are always a million questions to be answered and a million more that will always remain unanswerable. We just have to see where life takes us

That just about sums it up Jill, excellant post!

Beverly

wow... that is pretty deep. but it makes total sense to me. i never thought of it like that but wow!

Kimberley! I so totally agree! The inconsistency in sizes drives me crazy.

However, if you think women's clothes are bad, you should see baby/kids clothes - HORRIBLE!

Yeah, even doggie sweaters are more consistent in their sizing...just measure from collar to base of tail. No such luck with women, LOL.

Jill, I could have written your post, but I doubt I could have put it as well as you did. I've dealt with the fear of changing, the fear of not being happy at goal, loose skin issues, the fear of being more "exposed" socially when I reach goal... to tell you the truth, most of my fears were unfounded and I found ways to cope and adapt, just like I found ways to cope with being overweight. Although shopping and physical activity are a lot more fun

But I still sometimes have doubts and fears about my relationship now that I'm thinner. I've been with DB for 4 years, since I was 18. We've lived together for 3. He's also the first person I've been with, and I really love him deeply. He's my best friend, and I couldn't live without him. But a little part of me sometimes wonders what it would be like to date, and I'm only 22. It's hard to know if this is the person I want to be with for the rest of my life, because I don't have any comparison. We've been through so much that I feel guilty for thinking that way sometimes. I doubt I would be happier with anyone else, and on the positive side our relationsip has gotten 200% better now that I've been more open in general. Still, I think it's very human to wonder.

I work from home and I moved to NY with him, away from my family and friends, so I'm still pretty isolated. We're moving to a new city in 2 months, and I'll have a new job while going back to school. I'm excited, but I don't know what this will do for our relationship. Losing weight doesn't give you all the answers, that's for sure.