raven.. you are welcome around these parts ANYTIME. and <here's a secret> there are SEVERAL people in this forum who don't low carb, but love to hang out here.... so... don't be a stranger.

and you've raised some good points. especially with that 'how can we expect them to understand us when we don't understand ourselves' part. we have that huge war - the 'how can i love myself when i <fill in the blank here>' one - inside ourselves, and we [or maybe it's just me!] look to others to tell us we're OK. and when they do, we can't believe them.

but bottom line, i often come back to something my real life sister peach pit said a few weeks ago: heavy women are the best people around, even after they've lost weight. they are so kind to everyone around them.

and that's a nice thought to hold onto on those bad days when we can't do anything right!

Jiffy - Thanks for the warm welcome. I think you made a really good point, too - one that I've run across so often. Sadly now, I'm seeing it in my daughter, too. When someone finally does tell us they love us just the way we are, we can't believe them. After all, WHY would someone love US? When someone tells us we're beautiful, we can't go there. I tell my daughter she's lovely, that she has a beautiful smile, beautiful eyes, and infectious laugh - and she just shrugs and says "You're my Mom, you have to say that." *sigh* How do we break this cycle?

How often does someone have to reassure us that they love us, that we're beautiful, before we believe it? Conversely, how many times do we have to throw that back in our men's faces and say to them "how can you think that, look at me, I'm FAT" before they begin to believe THAT?

First off, i am so proud to be a part of this forum. The wisdom that comes from all of you is something to really think about.

I don't have much to add except to say i think sometimes we ( or men) hurt others before we get hurt ourselves. I think your DH wishing may be unhappy about something else and it may be time for a good sit down.

((((((((hugs)))))))) to all of you for being such careing friends. You get me through my day.
-L

Yup Wishing I do remember your giving Atkins a try.....however, I didnt know you werent doing it anymore. But you have to pick what is right for you. Atkins and Protein Power work wonderful for me, and not at all for others.

I also know that my weight refuses to come off unless I exercise "alot" It wont budge otherwise. I can sit at the same weight for weeks after dieting, and nothing comes off. Over the years Ive learned what works for me. You will too. When you look at it, you really dont have much too loose, one pound at a time, one day at a time......do it for YOU.

Good Luck to you Wishing

You are all awesome!

This thread has been on my mind since first reading it. And I know that my post didn't express so many of my true thoughts on this - must admit - I was just pretty pissed off that any partner would say such a thing!!

Referring to self image of ourself reminded me of something DH said to me last week. I didn't confront him with his "make a guy sick" comment a month ago when he said it - I was planning on waiting till he was drooling over my new weight loss and flat tummy - however, he made a very bad joke concerning my previous weight in front of some friends last week and needless to say - he got it with all barrels when they left. The one thing he said to me that shut me up and got me thinking again was this - "I was only kidding and it's not the way I think of you - It's the way you look at yourself!". And I know he was right. In some ways I pulled him into this frame of mind because of my self loathing regarding my weight.

And yes, I have friends now telling me - What do you mean you've lost another 20 lbs? You were't that big to begin with! My response is always something similar to - Yeh right - I just know how to camoflauge it! Not taking the compliment.

So, I guess we truly need to look deeper inside ourselves.

Wishing, why do you want to lose weight? Maybe a good place to start with some goal setting for YOURSELF!

J

Welcom Raven!

Thanks for the link Jiff, it was quite an interesting read. Moreover, how sad the experiences of women when dealing with men over weight issues. I am going to stand up and admit something right now: I haven't been nice to my dh when talking about weight issues. He also has a weight problem, in fact he was well over 400 pounds in highschool and worked very hard to lose 200 of it. When I met him, he was an atractive 180. Since we've ben married we've both packed on the pounds. My ballooning happened when I got pg with my daughter and then afterwards with meds I was taking to counteract anxiety disorder. Dh has eaten alongside with me, he is now up to about 240. I made a decision 2 years ago to give up this eating and follow a new path and every day I am thankful I have a new way of handling my life. I am slimmer and happier and although I still have 50 pounds to go, I feel good. I wish I could say the same for dh. He is still this weight and I have been the one to tease him about his "rotund" tummy. I realize now that blame can be dished all around. As bad as I was feeling about myself and my fluffiness, dh was feeling the same way. I can see now that when he was being unfair to me about my weight I was equally unfair to him. So I guess my question is, have you really talked to him about his weight issues and how he feels about it? Maybe equal shares of humble pie might have to be dished out before both of you can come to a resolution? I know that I am going to have this talk with my dh and find out how he really feels about himself. If anything, I want to be a force for positivity and encouragement to him, not someone who drags him down. After all, I would expect no less treatment for myself.

Wow! What a bunch of wise chickies we have here! If I had known you all at 44 instead of at 64, I'd be a much better person now!

Good lord Ruth, then you really would be a Saint. *pook pook*

Sometimes I think heavy people are the smartest people around! I bet we're fat because we've been so busy taking care of our brains that we have forgotten about our bodies. Now that we are going to take care of our bodies too, well, Look out world cause here we come!!! Lol

So much good advice I don't know where to begin. I think I'll print this thread so I have motivation with me at all times! Now I do know that dh does want to lose weight and has been trying unsuccessfully. It never dawned on me that he might be taking his frusterations out on me. You might all be right. We have 3 and half hours in the car to Seattle this weekend and I plan to get to the root of some of this by a heart to heart talk. My dh is not a bad man. He's normally a very gentle and understanding man. BUt when it comes to weight and sex he has just missed the boat!

And J you asked why I wanted to losethe weight. You know the big reason I want to lose the weight is to feel better. If you would have asked me 3 yrs ago I would have said to look better, But since my ds was born in Feb of 2001 I have so much pain all the time. My back and pelvis and feet and legs-- they all just hurt so bad I could just cry. The doc wants to give me an epidural in my back to help with the pain but I had one with my ds and had one of those spinal headaches for 2 weeks! They are the worst in the world and I just don't want to risk it again. I also take very little meds because I don't like to live on meds.

To tell you the truth , if I felt good at this weight I really wouldn't mind so badly having this weight on. I really don't look that fat. No one can believe how much I weigh. I'm anywhere from a sz 18 to 20. Even a 16 in the fancier stores. But I just can't live with the pain this extra weight is causing. It limits everthing I want to do. My BIL saw me for the first time in years at my brothers wedding the other week. My sister told me that he asked her on the flight home what was wrong with me. She wondered why he asked and he said,"well she moves like she's in pain all the time". If he can see it then why can't my dh? He doesn't believe I hurt all the time. He toldme the other day that one of his biggest frusterations with me is that I do just what has to be done and nothing more. (Oh boy theres another negative comment from him; probably could make an entire thread on that one too)Lol I didn't even say anything. He just has no idea how much I hurt. Sometimes I wish he could just jump into my body for a couple of hours and see what it feels like to be me.

Yes the biggest reason I want to lose weight is to be pain free. The second is so that I can l keep up with my kids better. We would have gone to Disney World this spring if I would have just said the word. I told my dh I don't want to go because of flying during war time and because our 2 yr old would get so much more out of it when he's older. We've already been to Orlando three times and I know how much walking it is! The truth is I don't want to go because I hurt too bad to walk all that time.

I'm to the point I really don't care which diet I'm on I'm just going to get on anything I can get my hands on and follow it to the letter. I want to research some lo carb diets today on the net. Oh ladies, if the thin people really knew what we go through they would never look at us with loathing again. I do believe we are the most courageous people around!

My friend, Dr. Bob, who is a very well-known endocrinologist, says that the way society looks at overweight people should be a crime! I may actually print this thread and send it to him.

wishing... i strongly suspect that there's something else going on with your back that the extra weight is not helping. please PLEASE get yourself checked out. by someone who will actually LISTEN [and believe me, i KNOW how hard that can be...]

and ruth... give my love to your buddy dr bob... with my new 'svelteness,' i'm having a real hard time reading people and their reactions to me... don't know whether to approach or not, to smile or not, to acknowledge or not., and i still have a way to go until i'm at the place i want to be...

I've been re-reading this thread today, being touched by everyone's words. I feel that it's only been in the last year that I became comfortable with myself. I have been thin and I have been huge, but this weight is the one where I finally said, "Okay, I accept that this is how I look, now how do I live in this body?" It took me 29 years to get to this point!

How COULD I expect any man to love me for "who I am" when I hated that person! How could my boyfriend, bless his beleaguered heart, give me a compliment and me take it as an insult? And how could I hold it against him when that was all I ever talked about?

This is the way I look. Yes, that is subject to change, could be larger or smaller. This is the face I have to look at every day, and the only important part of this whole package is that woman inside this shell. She wants to be loved and accepted and treated humanely.

In my ramblings I have forgotten my point! Anyway, once I found this self-acceptance, I noticed my relationships with other people were changing. I stopped depending on them to make me feel good, and started feeling good because of ME and my behavior and all the things that make me a good person on the inside. Suddenly it didn't matter anymore if someone laughed at me in a restaurant or pointed at me in the mall. And I didn't need constant attention from bf to show me he loved me. I was able to stop asking him every day if he thought I was beautiful (did I think he would admit that he didn't?????) or sexy. His loving actions and words that came FREELY and without solicitation tell me much more than my questions ever earned me.

Okay, that's enough rambling. Wishing, I hope everything works out for you and dh, and everyone else: thanks for the words of wisdom!

Wow Sherrie, well said. And you're only 29?? I mean, don't take that the wrong way. My lord, I didn't figure that stuff out till at least 10 years after you did! Good for you!

And Jiffy ... wow. Another really good point. And people wonder why we don't "just lose weight." Because it's not JUST weight loss. It's a whole life change. (((Jiffy)))