Thanks, guys.

I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately and I have come to a couple of conclusions: I'd really love to weigh 128 or so. But I'd also love to win the lottery. Not gonna happen. I'm sick and tired of eating only 1500 cals/day. It's not extreme, but I wanna eat more. If not more volume, I wanna have more variety, with maybe a few higher cal items here and there. But most of all, I really, REALLY don't want to regain these same stupid 8 pounds all over again. I was happy wearing the old jeans I wore yesterday (impossible 8 pounds ago). So I guess maintenance it is. 137-138 is the new "goal". Wish me luck!

And yes, I realize I'm doing exactly what I was whining about in my first post (giving up), but I'll try to at least work harder at maintaining THIS loss this time...

You have done a great job, remember you are the only one you have to please.

Clara, I've been divided about replying to you, since you & I are about the same height, but I've chosen to maintain in the 140s.

But I want to reaffirm what others are saying: Do what's right for you. And I mean, only for you. Pretend, for a while, that the rest of us don't exist.

I have to do that sometimes to make the healthy choices. I have to NOT reflexively glance at another poster's statistics and I have to force myself NOT to think about what she must look like. I feel like I'm always herding my thoughts along a very narrow fenced-in chute, away from unhealthy observations and yes, obsessions.

Simply put, I have a history of eating disorders. I know what brings them on. One trigger is emotional distress that I'm not facing head on and dealing with directly. If that is combined with a constant sense of self-restriction, my feeling that I am always stopping myself or limiting myself when eating, dragging myself back from some line I've drawn, then eventually, I will binge. Mindlessly, quickly, privately and sometimes in a very ugly way.

In other words, if I am not happy and I am feeling as though I'm constantly exerting an effort with food, I will also express my anxiety through food.

I am carrying that around with me, and I have to deal with it. It's reality. It's different from my aspiration. It trumps my personal aesthetic standard. It also trumps the influence of anyone else's appearance, statistics or habits and lifestyle -- because it's part of me. It's my identity, like my eye color. I am answerable to it. I have to negotiate with that part of myself at all times. I know how much work I'm willing to put into this thing. Quite a lot, actually. But there is a limit. I know the limit.

I don't know what is part of your identity, and where your limit is, but once you have figured it out, and know what you've got to work with, that is what will influence the weight you choose. It'll come from within you, not from anyone else posting here.

About all I can offer is my own limited experience with this fight and an occasional sanity check.

And my best wishes. I want maintaining after a large loss to be more routine. So there are more people who "get" me, and whom I also understand.

Ever tried to balance on one foot for an extended period of time? That's what maintenance feels like for me most of the time. I can do it, I can do it, I can . . . whoa! DARN! But I keep getting back up on that foot and now the periods that I'm able to be there without wobbling are increasing in length.

And goal weight? I pulled my first goal weight out of my *ss . Then, after struggling and struggling I upped it 5 lbs. Got there for a brief second in 2008 but couldn't stay. I'm absolutely fine at the weight I have been maintaining (more or less) for 4 years now.

But there is that stubborn little critter inside that keeps saying "loser, loser - you can't get to goal. Everyone else did it but you can't etc. etc."

Why is it so hard for all of us to accept ourselves at what your bodies are telling us is our maintenance weight?

Dagmar

Bargoo, thanks for the vote of confidence.

Saef, thanks for posting. Your posts are always so honest and... well, wise! I can relate to pretty much everything you said. Oh, those obsessions... how I wish I could spend my energy on something else.

Mudpie, I know that little voice so well... thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one.