As I've gained and lost, only to do it all again, I've struggled with how I've felt about myself. This time around, finally, at 50 years of age, I'm learning that all that negative energy isn't doing me any good and that I had to become proactive in finding compassion for myself. And really, that's what we all need to have in order to better care for ourselves and keep making healthy choices.

The choices we made that got us into that unhealthy state came from a place of pain. We didn't yet have the skills to emotionally care for ourselves properly. Whatever made us take that step in the new direction, towards health and living a vibrant life, we need to honor ourselves for making the change. We also need to honor the place we came from because it does have value. We learned so much about ourselves and the world around us. How we cared for ourselves at that time kept us whole and alive until we figured things out.

I had a really hard time getting over all the wasted years of my marriage, how my parents were so ineffective, how the church I grew up in was so damaging to me and others. And I was angry with myself for what seemed like wallowing in the pain. But I learned that it was part of grieving my past, which led me to figure out what I truly wanted for my future, and I am finally moving forward with it. At 50! Not the end of my life, but a new beginning.

This is a transitional time for you. You will get past the anger and the pain when you need to let it go, when you figure out where you're going and what you really want, who you really want to be. Then you'll be able to look in the mirror and be comfortable with who you're looking at. And even love that person because you know where you've been and you know what you accomplished. You're pretty amazing!

I completely agree with both of these points. To the original poster, you are gorgeous! Strut your stuff, honey! Confidence is the best accessory. I often encounter men who aren't that great looking but have such confidence (not arrogance---there's a difference), and it makes them so much more attractive.

I know what you mean, though. I've been a yo-yo dieter and have lost anywhere from 30 to 55 pounds several times. I had stretch marks in my 20's, and currently, my belly hangs (sorry, everyone, for that unpleasant visual). I've often lamented that if I could turn back the clock and change one thing I would wire my jaw shut before I repeatedly lost and gained weight; it has aged me and my body. About five years ago, I lost weight the "healthy" way (calorie counting, working out, etc.). It took me two years to fully lose 40-45 lbs, and I kept it off weight loss off for two years and I thought "I've finally made it!"----only to gain it all back and then some. You're young yet, and you can learn from this. You've lost weight and you're unhappy with some loose skin, but if you keep it off, I really believe that oftentimes the skin "catches" up, so to speak---especially at your age. I'll bet you in a year or two, you'll see that your body looks much tighter.

This will be particularly the case if you lift weights. Let me use my sister as an example to inspire you. My sister, who is 46, has been lifting weights for about three years. She was (and is) overweight, but she never let that stop her. I give her a lot of credit because for at least the first couple of years, she looked better, but the results were definitly not like in the body magazines: She still had some leg, stomach, and butt flab. Nevertheless, she kept plugging along and kept increasing her weights and challenging her body in different ways. She has the money for a really good personal trainer and he challenges her with tough routines. Well, this last year (year three) seems to have made the difference: I just saw a picture of her (she lives in another state), and she looks AWESOME. Her body is tight. Now, she's 46 years old and she was a chronic yo-yo dieter, yet her body looks good. There's hope for all of us, including you!

Now, I grant you that the boob sagging is a challenge. (Fortunately for my sister---and for that matter, any woman over 35--she is not big chested). If looking good naked is important to you, the only option for fixing that boob saggage is surgery. If that's not viable, invest in a good bra. It makes a world of difference.

Wow, THAT'S easier said than done. I wouldn't even know HOW to do that. If I had known how to do THAT I probably wouldn't have bothered to lose the weight in the first place.

bitterness and anger can only cause negativity which erodes your soul ..don't let it ..Whenever i feel bad i read this verse and it always makes me feel better..I hope you feel the same ,


-- written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s --


Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

If you think your appearance defines you, you need to think more. Look at life more deeply. What is really important? What you look like or who you are? When you are lying on your deathbed, are you going to think "Damn, I looked hot in that bikini!" or are you going to think about the people you loved who loved you, the things you created, the lives you changed?

All this focus on appearance is so incredibly shallow, vain, and pointless. I'm sorry to say that because I know it means a lot to many people, but in all honesty it's just wrong. I know we're sold this whole idea that looking a certain way is The Most Important Thing Ever. But it's just such BS.

The Beauty Myth is a good place to start if you want to read about why we are taught to put all this focus on women's appearances and how it hurts us all in the long run.

More than that, what we're sold is that we need to look a certain way that actual real human beings just do not look. We don't walk around in a cloud of airbrush and Photoshop and soft focus, and we don't live at only the most flattering angles (hip toward life, feet one slightly apart with one foot forward).

Maybe you should go and talk to a professional. I am a huge supporter of therapy, having been in it myself for the last year and a half. It has made a tremendous difference in how I view myself and other people. I had gotten to where I wanted to be on the outside, but I was still the same sad, self-hating person on the inside. But, that's changed. I truly like who I am now, inside and out. I've learned to take my failures in stride and how to appreciate the things about me that make me unique. Am I perfect? Absolutely not. Not physically, not mentally, not emotionally. But for the first time in my life, I truly like the person staring back at me in the mirror in the morning.

Just a thought.

You have done an amazing job so far and you should be so proud of yourself! As others have said here... no one is perfect. There is no such thing as perfect. Different people have different tastes. I can't tell you how many times I have looked at a woman and thought "wow, she is stunning" and I point her out to hubby and he's like "eh... not my type". I always assume he's gawking at the thin blonde bombshell (because that's what we're taught is what we're all supposed to look like), and he'll be oggling the girl with the sweet smile and a little extra in her caboose. We're taught to believe that there's some "ideal woman" out there that we all need to strive to be, but that's just a fallacy. You're beautiful for who you are, inside and out. We all are.

I do a lot of costuming, clothing design, making jewelry, etc. I spend a lot of time expressing myself through my appearance so... what I look like is part of my art so & it does define me in a way it might not for other people. If I am thinner & better shape it makes what I make look better. I have at times made my living by selling my creations, I can't now because I don't have a studio currently, but I probably will again. I get may more inquiries about my designs when I am thinner & in good shape than when I am fat. So you may think it's shallow, but it's an important part of my life & sometimes my livelihood.

Also, even if that wasn't the case it's really not possible to just turn off negative feelings like that which you have had your whole life.

Hmmm...this is a tough one. Most people don't appreciate what they have til tragedy strikes them. Please don't be one of these people. Perhaps go and visit homeless shelters or hospitals. This may help you appreciate the most valuable gift of all...life.

I am thin now and can fit all of my old clothes (from 20 yrs ago..mind you). I'm still me. I'm not suddenly more popular or beautiful (well, maybe a lil bit more beautiful..tee hee!) But still just me. You must learn to focus on your real beauty...the kind you can't see in a pair of jeans. You are loved, you are cherished.

*EDIT* - BTW, speaking of boobs, I'd give a right lung to have boobs like you! If you saw my tiny lil sad raisinettes you'd agree.. It's all about perspective...