I agree, nagging never helps things when it comes to a spouse or SO. Maybe he's aware that he needs to make the weight loss journey but is not really ready to commit to it yet, and he will do it in his own time. Probably the best thing you can do at this point is to set a good example with your own weight loss journey and "innocently" try to educate him by emailing him links to websites discussing calories and healthy eating or by putting books on these topics in the bathroom or the coffee table.

First I want to say THANK YOU for all the awesome, wonderful, helpful responses!!

astrphe, I think your idea is wonderful. I am going to ask him what he needs from me, if anything. You and Lightraven gave a great little script on how I could ask. I plan on using them.

kaplods, It seems I can always count on you for very thoughtful, well said posts! You must be a great friend to have IRL! Yes, a dietician would be best. I left out of my post that I am RN of 5 years. I took college level nutrition courses, and of course I am educated on a nursing level (but not dietician level) how to manage diabetes, and other diseases that need nutritional managment. Another bonus is everywhere I've worked so far, I've worked with a dietician, so when I had questions, I asked my coworker! Its not that I think I have nothing left to learn, but if it were just for me, I wouldn't spend the money (our insurance doesn't cover it, I checked) Also, I've spent about 10 years reading on nutrition, calories, weightloss, ect. I was overweight, growing up, lost the weight in my early 20s, gained it back (and then some) with my 2 pregnancies, and now I'm in the process of losing the baby weight.

But I also failed to mention that DH is a masters level practicioner; he's a physician assistant. John P, I know you had asked. I have simply assumed that he has the same nutrional training as me, because he's a higher level provider. He doesn't read about it in his personal time, however. And doesn't show that same personal interest in it. Its helpful to know that DH was super thin(underweight actually) growing up, due to mom not being able to feed him and his siblings. He only became obese in the past 4 years or so.

I'm starting to see there's a difference between him knowing a renal patient shouldn't have OJ, and knowing that he should be careful of drinking 3 extra large glasses of OJ in the morning, if he's trying to lose weight, because its easy to drink a lot of calories.

I never heard of TOPS, but I will be looking that up ASAP.

I may try the book idea, but I have to be careful, because if DH even remotely thinks its for him, he will not be happy! lol

I have tried to incorperate DH into my weightloss. I go to the gym, and I invite him everytime and he declines. The next day that he and I will be on the same schedule, is Monday, and I already invited him to come with me then. I do cook healthy, but he adds "extras" after the fact. And recently, I've been cooking much smaller amounts, as my DH will eat several huge portions until all the food is gone. So I just make less. And he doesn't complain that there's not enough. Its totally the "eat it because its there" mentality (which, I am also quite guilty of), "but don't miss it if its not"

I'm definately going to keep setting a good example, and inviting him to work out with me. Once it gets warmer, then we will be able to go for walks outside, which I think he would do.

Thank you all again!!! It was so nice to wake up with so many kind, helpful answers to my post. I think I will try to talk to hubby this morning and see what he says. I'll follow-up with what he said.

My husband is currently about 200lbs. He lost about 25 last year and now he's saying he would like to lose another 10 to 15. It's not coming off the way it did before because he has a good deal of muscle right now. A couple months ago he asked me to help him with calorie counting when I was on track with my own weightloss. I was super committed at the time, and he said he really needed some help. He wasn't taking my advice and he was still eating a lot of unhealthy things, and it was REALLY getting to me. I was stressing out over his issues and I think I was also resentful that he wasn't listening even though he'd asked for help.

Honestly, I had to learn that it's his body and his choice and I can't control him anymore then he can control me. I stopped stressing over it and now I'm just worrying about my own journey again. He's actually doing really good right now and I'm not really helping him at all other then helping him figure up how many calories are in his dinners I make. I think it would be better for you to just focus on you. If and when he decides he really wants to try and asks for help then I'm sure you'd be happy to help him. But he's the only one who can decide he's ready to commit.

I struggle with this same issue but I am learning that there are too many sensitive issues at hand and I do not wish to become the authority on weight loss just because I have been able to do it. I think that people who have lost weight (myself included) get an attitude about the need of others to follow suit when perhaps they are just not ready or even want to. Its so important to remember how we felt when we could not do it and struggled so with just staying on our plan. Men and women often do not see eye to eye on the subject and the little disagreements as to what constitutes a healthy diet can vary as greatly as it does on this very forum. I lose focus on my own weight loss journey if I get worked up about his. I help when asked, I share my journey with him only when he is open to it. Otherwise, this is a journey I am on alone.

I'm sorry to hear about your frustration ~ I can empathize with you because my DH is the same way. He'll eat a boatload of crap and then say, "Ugh, I'm so fat."

I would just talk to him and see what's going on and if there is anything you can do to help him. I've tried a lot of different things with my husband, but nothing has worked...he has to be the one to make the decision and stick to it. I wish there was a magic wand so we could help the people in our lives and change their "eating ways", but we can only be there to support them.

I've been on this journey w/my DH too. Only, he hasn't got a clue about what eating healthy really means. So, I tried a different approach to "help him".

First, I got him to start weighing his food, and noticing what is a "serving" and how little things (like added cheese, etc) can really blow a good "healthy" salad. I told him the simple step of NO 2nd HELPINGS is an easy one to remember!

I got him -FINALLY!- to give up "boxed potatoes" for the real thing. Now if he wants mashed potatoes, he has to peel the potatoes, boil them, mash them up, etc. A lot more "work" than simply mixing something from a box!

And last but not least, I did invest in three of the "Eat This, Not That!" books. He says they have helped him mostly when restaurant eating & so forth.

He's also exercising again, and has (so far!) stayed away from his "crack addict food" - mac & cheese.

We're trying to be supportive of each other with verbal ques such as "Are you sure you want a bigger chicken breast? Would you be willing to trade it for dessert?" and things like that. So far we've not gotten snippity with each other, and I've lost 10 pounds, and he's lost 7.

In my experience with my DH, it was mostly an education lesson. He had no idea what eating healthy meant. Never considered serving sizes or balancing his food groups.

So i lead by example. I would talk to him about what I learned in regards to calories in certain foods, what I should eat more of, what should be less. And as long as I'm focused on eating healthy dinners, he doesn't have much choice or he doesn't eat! And no fast food.

When he would decide to put a few handfuls of cheese on something, I would show him a serving size and how many calories it was. Sure, it's his decision to do it, but he has to acknowledge what it means.

Oh, and inviting him to the gym NEVER worked for me. He hates the gym. So instead, I talked to him to find out what he *enjoys* as activity.

Now, he's been working out with a treadmill and weights 4+ times/week at home for the last 2+ years, he measures his food, he opts for lower calorie items on the most part, and he's supportive of everything I do as well! And in return, he gets to have his cheat meal every once in a while without me saying a word.

It really is mostly communication and education that have been the most effective for us. GL!

I wanted to update everyone. I talked to DH today, but really I didn't do much talking, I just asked what I can do, if anything to help. (Well I used the ideas provided)...and just listened.
And DH and I had a real heart to heart. It was so eye opening for us. More for me. DH is aware of the nutritional value of things. He knew the dressing and size of the wrap in question was high calorie. (It was nice to clarify,so I know he does understand the specific info in dieting so I don't feel like its my job to educated him. Don't forget, as a nurse, it is part of my job to educate patients on their diet)

He was very open about his issues with food. I don't want or need to go into detail, as I have the same issues. But we really connected and it became much clearer why he was making the choices he was making. He also told me he knows it comes down to something he has to do. And that I can't do it for him, nor does he want any help. (encouragement is welcome, but he doesn't need to be educated or reminded)

I just can't that everyone enough for your advice. Its much easier now to see where I stand with DH's weightloss, and I don't feel pressured to inform him of "hidden calories" or whatever.
Also, I think DH really appreciated me asking him that and just listening to his thoughts on it.

Thank you again everyone!!

I hope my post makes half the sense I think it does, and if it doesn't I apologize in advance for writing impaired.

It's amazing how different a reaction we get when we say "how can I help" as opposed to "here let me help you" (the subtext being "you're doing it wrong").

I have fibromyalgia, which can make me a hazard in the kitchen when I'm flaring (it's a common cognitive affect of the fibro - neurotransmitters failing to work normally, compounded by the affects of pain meds and muscle relaxants taken for the flare). I can seem rather intelligent and "together" here, even during a flare because I reread and re-edit my posts three or four time before posting (or more).

The fibro affects my ability to communicate and think clearly (with a severe flare, I even slur words and would seem intoxicated to someone not familiar with my flares - and the fact that I generally drink alcohol about 3 times per year).

I'm having an uber flare today (and if you saw this post before I edited it, you probably wouldn't be able to read it, with all the phonetic spellings and wrong word choices and words left out of sentences), and if you heard me speak or saw me walk you'd probably think I'd been drinking (and I haven't even taken any of my stronger pain meds yet).

Which all means that during a severe or even moderate flare, I shouldn't be cooking or doing house chores, or doing some of my favorite craft projects that involve heat guns and other electrical appliances. To further complicate things, I'm not always aware of the extend of my impairment.
It drove me crazy furious when my husband would come into the kitchen and "take over." If I were trying to chop vegetables, or stirring something on the stove, he'd grab the knife or spoon from my hand, push me aside gently saying "Here, let me do that for you."

It drove me crazy bonkers. I didn't like him telling me I wasn't able to do it for myself (even if I wasn't). It made me feel helpless, crazy, and infantile.

Now he asks "Honey, can I help you with something?" If I say "no, I can handle it," and he realizes I cannot, he'll tell me what he's seeing. "Honey, I think you're flaring today and I'm concerned that you're taking on more than you should, are you sure you wouldn't like my help."

Usually he forgets the "think" and says "Honey, you're flaring today" - even that can make me mad, because I don't like him telling me what's going on with me. I know it's crazy, because it's very obvious I am flaring.

At any rate, I know he has to fight the urge to just take over, and he has to fight the urge to criticise my choices. And while I normally take criticism quite well, I find it very difficult to be open to criticism when I'm in a flare.

Even without brain-affecting illness issues, it's really hard to hear that you're not acting as smart as you are. It's a big blow to the ego to have someone point out your errors - especially when you knew they were errors before you even made them (or should have).

Finding ways to help each other without making each other feel like complete idiots, is tricky.

My DH and I are the same height. He was 210 when he got the cholesterol results that were SKY HIGH!!! He is 35. This was the first time he has ever tried to lose weight. He's been thin to average his whole life, now middle age is catching up with him.

Right now he is 185. He had to make changes in his diet mainly due to the cholesterol. He has learned so much by us doing it together. We usually make it a game "which salad dressing do you think has more calories, honey?" and then we discuss it. I've just started daily plate, and he is into tech stuff, and had me create his account and I logged his food. He was AMAZED that his almonds had 200 calories. He is discovering all this new stuff. He vehemently disagrees that one should "count" fruits and veggies. Right now that is our new sticking point.

I'm digressing a little, but I think that a large percentage of men are clueless on nutrition and diet. Us gals have been trying to lose a few forever, while most men don't enter the game until late in life.

my bf doesn't need to lose weight, and he's wants to support me in my efforts, I felt a little like your husband in this scenario It really can be a minefield, dealing with diet and weight loss in a relationship

when I'm not being so honest with myself about goodies/calories I'm consuming (or in denial), if he brings it to my attention I get defensive and even hurt feelings. even when I know he's right.

I do want his help, probably at some point hubby will appreciate yours too. It's a tough thing to do on your own. Even if hubby is eating too much of it and adding cheese, I think having healthy meals/foods readily available to him is great. BF does that for me.

BF encourages me to exercise. He doesn't like the gym, and I do. But at home, he'll be a nudge for me to get up in the evening and do a routine. He kept saying, 3X/week, shoot for that. In the very beginning, I did resent it. And had PMS moments, ha. Now, I'm grateful he helped me get into the habit. Lots of people like Wii, maybe your husband would get a kick out of that, or activities where you encourage him to walk (without being too obvious, ha).

it's true that each person needs to do it on his/her own, but an atmosphere of positive support can make a difference. Just you being healthy, and happy and doing what you need to do I think may help put him in the mind frame where it will be easier for him to embrace a better way to approach adopting a healthier lifestyle.

bf and I have ongoing talks, like the one you had. keep doing that, listening to him and offering, when it seems appropriate, ideas. it may take him a little longer to get into it.

good luck!!

I'm curious ... why does he care if his almonds have 200 calories if he doesn't thinkg fruit calories matter? What is his argument for not counting fruit? Most vegtables don't have a lot so I can somewhat understand that side but a bananna has around 100 depending on size. ???